Author: SamClemens (Page 10 of 13)

Murfreesboro Mayor: Share This Post or the City Will Execute a Puppy

September 22, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In an interview Wednesday, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland appeared to threaten the life of Darnold, a three month old basset hound that is presently in the care of the City of Murfreesboro. Darnold is a touch slow, but was somehow still selected for this position.

Below is an excerpt from the controversial interview:

Q: Can you share what your position as Murfreesboro Mayor means to you?

A: I’m happy to share. Murfreesboro Mayor means a lot to me and my family. This post has been held by some incredible citizens, whether it’s Hollis Westbrooks, Richard Reeves, or Tommy Bragg. The best part of my day is waking up to serve the City of Murfreesboro. It is my encouragement at night and what will get me out of bed in the morning. But this isn’t a one person job. It takes a special group of people to execute the tasks required for this city to fire on all cylinders, and I am blessed to have that in the Murfreesboro City Council. It’s a privilege and an honor to serve with these folks every day.

Q: One more thing. Can you say the word ‘puppy’?

A: Did you say puppy?

Q: Yeah, I think we have what we need.

Stay with the Tribune as this story develops. Live coverage of the Darnold Memorial Service will be held once the heartless bastards on Facebook fail to share this post and Darnold walks the green mile.

Halloween Candy Pipeline Burst; Gov. Declares State of Emergency

September 20, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam declared a state of emergency on Tuesday morning after a Halloween Candy pipeline burst overnight in rural Kentucky, causing a potential Halloween Candy Shortage in Middle Tennessee.

“This is a precautionary measure as we are not currently seeing any widespread unavailability of candy corn or gummy worms in Tennessee,” Haslam said in a press release, which he foolishly thought would calm the masses of fat people yearning for a sugar high.

The Adult Onset Diabetes Pipeline, which flows from rural Kentucky into Middle Tennessee, carries approximately fourteen million pounds of Halloween Candy into Tennessee each fall. Tennesseans apparently just can’t get enough fatness, as they consistently eat whatever is pumped out of that pipeline.

In a press conference Tuesday morning, Governor Haslam remained adamant that a Halloween Candy Shortage is unlikely.

“It is important for the community to know that there is plenty of Halloween Candy,” said Governor Haslam. “The only way we could have a shortage of Halloween Candy is if everyone rushes out to buy candy at the same time, so please don’t do that.”

The community responded to this plea for civility as expected, rushing to every grocery store, gas station, and fat kid’s hollowed out bed post to find every morsel of candy available.

Despite Halloween Candy being available at nearly every store in Middle Tennessee, residents took to social media to voice panic and complaints.

mcgee

 

jenkins

As capitalists, the Tribune has set up the Tribune Candy Shop, which sells candy out of the back of the Mobile News Center, a windowless van that we bought off Craigslist.

The Tribune Candy Shop will have Reese’s Cups, Kit Kats, and Milk Duds for sale. You can keep that home-packed-in-a-white-bag shit to yourself.

The Rhinestone and Real Nashville News Quit Satire, Feared Dead

September 15, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what residents describe as news about things they’ve never heard of, the editors-in-chief of The Rhinestone and Real Nashville News, a pair of middling satire newspapers that inconspicuously serve Nashville and surrounding areas, have presumably quit their jobs and are feared missing or dead.

The Rhinestone last published an article on August 18, 2016, twenty-eight days prior to the publication of this article. Real Nashville News, meanwhile, last posted to its Facebook page on August 14, 2016, a staggering thirty-two days ago.

The lapse in time, during which time the RMS Titanic could have crossed the Atlantic on six different occasions and still had time to sink to the bottom of the ocean, has the three people who know about these publications worried that tragedy may have struck two previously unknown D-List writers.

One Rhinestone reader speculated that the two writers went on The Bachelor, like every other radio host or dick specialist in Nashville. Another opined that the two bought a new house on a site where a historic home had been recently bulldozed, crammed into the space with four others, and were forced to work paid jobs to keep up with the Nashville Joneses.

Of course, it is possible that both authors went on vacation, despite being absent long enough for Al Roker to run a marathon 107 times (and he is sixty-two!). Such a vacation would be expected from these two likely junior college educated journalists.

The author of this article is not concerned. Some men can take heat. Some can’t. Others, like these two bitches, can’t take some pretty handsome competition just a stone’s throw down I-24.

The door is open, ladies. Taking all comers.

But seriously. Come back. We have had enough time to watch the entire Godfather trilogy over eighty four times and we still hate The Godfather Part III. Hot chicken shits simply can’t be this debilitating.

Local Mother Miraculously Not Part of Pyramid Scheme Side Job

September 6, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a move that family and friends described as a “complete shock,” local mother Lacey Temple has decided to not whore out her social media account for a multilevel marketing company, despite the fact that nearly every other mother she knows appears to have done so.

Temple, a stay-at-home mother of three, is an ideal candidate for an independent marketing representative with a triangle-shaped business venture, a position that several of her friends have taken to earn a moderate side income, regardless of the enormous damage that the position does to their personal and professional reputation.

“I’m stunned,” said Heather Wakham, a friend of the Temple family, who also serves as a Double Diamond Seal Super Plus Rep with Plexus Worldwide. “Lacey has an opportunity with our company to buy my products, make a lot of money for me and my kids, and talk her friends into doing the same for her. It’s pretty selfish to not help me out.”

Temple reported that she has been approached by representatives from Avon, Herbalife, Mary Kay, AdvoCare, Rodan + Fields, Plexus, Pampered Chef, DildoWorx, Scentsy, and the Columbia House VHS Sales Program, but does not plan to take part in any completely legitimate business that allows you to make money by recruiting people to work directly underneath you.

“I think she’ll come around to it,” said Megan Temple, Lacey’s older sister, who is also a Brand Ambassador Double Secret Six Important Title Rep with It Works! (but seriously have you tried that crazy wrap thing?). “Once she realizes the incredible effect of these wraps, and how much money you can make by pressuring your friends and family through Facebook to try this voodoo science, she’s going to jump on board.”

The writer of this article was unable to reach Temple for comment, in part because I recently accepted a position with Juice Plus and, hey, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask strangers to buy, would I? Answer the phone, Lacey. You need this juice stuff.

Murfreesboro Tribune Adds Beat Reporter Eddie Poe

August 31, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – At a press conference on Wednesday, the Murfreesboro Tribune announced the hiring of Beat Reporter Eddie Poe. The addition is being hailed by someone as “the most critical hire since the Continental Congress named George Washington Commander in Chief of the Continental Army.”

Poe is a native of Boston, by way of Baltimore. He studied at the University of Virginia and the United States Military Academy and most recently spent one hundred and sixty-seven years at the prestigious Westminster Hall in Baltimore.

Murfreesboro Tribune Founder, President, Editor, CEO, Catering Manager, and Marketing Director Sam Clemens praised Poe as an accomplished writer and an exceptional drunk, which Clemens claims will make Poe a valued addition to the Tribune.

“Not everyone can write fake news,” said Clemens. “It takes a special kind of person to create a pseudonym and skewer local news and events, all while living in your mother’s basement.”

At this point in the press conference, Clemens welcomed questions from the press, but the press just kept making pancakes. By the press, we mean Sam’s mother, who was the only attendee at the press conference, which was called in her kitchen while Sam ate breakfast.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter is a new position at the Tribune. Clemens announced that the Beat Reporter will likely cover local news, local events, and other pressing issues, including what kind of nachos taste the best when high on PCP and how to sleep your way to a Tribbies Award.

You can reach Eddie Poe at [email protected].

Mattress Store to Hold Sale

August 24, 2016 /

MURFREEESBORO, TN – In what is being hailed as an “industry changer,” a Murfreesboro mattress store is planning a mattress sale. Local residents are losing their damn minds.

Jon and Betty Perlman, who own Hey Look Over Here Mattresses on Cason Lane, drew inspiration from other industries, which often employ tacky sales gimmicks. The Perlmans saw that the tacky gimmicks have never quite made it to the mattress industry. These gimmicks include flyers, mailers, and paying grown-ass men to sit in a lawn chair and hold a sign all day.

“We asked each other ‘what is no one in our industry doing,'” said Jon. “Suddenly it dawned on us; why haven’t mattress stores put mattresses on sale?”

“I’m not trying to boast,” said Betty, clearly boasting, “but we are in the mattress industry because our stores have a history of no pressure, no frills, no gimmicks sales.”

Jon beamed with pride at his revelation. “We never whore ourselves out for attention or profits,” he said, resting his arm on a pile of flyers declaring Jon and Betty Perlman “The Mattress Masters of Murfreesboro,” with each wearing costumes from Masters of the Universe while swinging antique weapons at the camera.

To ensure that the mattress sale receives the rapt attention of the community, and that mattress stores only put on sales for legitimate reasons, the Perlmans decided to have a Ukrainian Independence Day Sale, which opens on August 24.

On August 24, 1991, the Ukrainian Parliament adopted the Act of Declaration of Independence of Ukraine, which established independence from the Soviet Union. The Perlmans figured that sounds like as good a reason as any to sell some mattresses.

“There are two things I hate in this world,” said Jon Perlman. “Overpriced mattresses and commies.”

In what can only be described as a trance fueled by ethnic hatred, Perlman locked eyes with the author of this article, muttering “you ain’t no damn commie, are you?”

Please go see the Perlmans. For America. And for Mother Ukraine.

2016 Tribbies Awards: Nominations Open!

August 20, 2016 /

It’s that time of year, friends! The special time where business professionals forsake shame and whorishly ask everyone they know to log into a special window and place a check next to their likely undeserving business in a local popularity contest.

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we feel an obligation to use our influence to provide insight into the quality of local businesses. And by that, we mean that we feel an obligation to make up some awards to exploit the selfish nature of business, hock them to the community as something legitimate, and snake out as much ad money as we can get from this community-serving process.

Please use the form below to submit your nominations for the 2016 Tribbies Awards. The categories for Tribbies Awards are listed below. To submit a nomination, simply type in your name and email address, the category for your nomination, and the nomination itself. You can write-in categories if you do not see your preferred category listed below .

2016 TRIBBIES AWARDS CATEGORIES

LEISURE ACTIVITIES

Favorite Day Trip with the Kids

Favorite Adult Athletic League for Alcoholics

Favorite Day of the Week to Get Drunk in Your Front Yard

Favorite Park to Drop Off Your Kids and Ignore Them

Favorite Place to Wander Pantless

Favorite Excuse When Caught Holding a Sex Toy in Public

PEOPLE & PLACES

Favorite High-Crime Neighborhood

Intersection That Will Most Likely Lead To Your Untimely Death

Favorite Backroad to Avoid the Cops While Driving High

Favorite Erotic Bingo Night

Favorite Church Where They’re Going to Heaven and You’re Not

Most Sexually Provocative Billboard

Favorite 16 Year Old Babysitter That You Sure Wish Was 18

Favorite Tropical Destination for Satire Writer to Escape an Angry Mob

PROFESSIONAL SERVICES

Favorite Wedding Planner Who Would Love to Hear Your F***ing Ideas from Pinterest

Realtor You’d Like to Punch in the Face

RESTAURANTS & BARS

Favorite Arby’s

Favorite Gentleman Jim’s Where You Can Ruin Your Life in One Night

BUSINESS & RETAIL

Check Cashing Place That Embarrasses the City the Most

Favorite Hotel for an Affair

Favorite Business Where You Can Dump a Dead Body and No One Will Notice

Favorite Hardware Store to Buy Kidnapping Supplies

Favorite Movie Theater Where You Can Get To Second Base Without Being Judged

Favorite Place to Buy One Cup of Coffee and Leech Free Wi-Fi

Favorite Pyramid Scheme That Your Facebook Friend Swears is not a Pyramid Scheme

Favorite Vacant Space at the Mall

Favorite Windowless Van Rental Service Who Won’t Ask Questions

Most Motivated Kroger Employee

Organic Meth Lab Discovered Under Sprouts Parking Lot

August 12, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Organic enthusiasts in Rutherford County have more to celebrate at the new Sprouts Farmers Market in Murfreesboro than farm-grown quinoa and foraged kimchi.

After authorities in Amherst, New York, recently unearthed an active meth lab in a culvert that runs beneath a Walmart parking lot, local organic advocates made an entrepreneurial play of their own.

On Friday, in what appears to be an effort to outdo the soulless corporatism of Great Value fanatics (who now want to corner even the methamphetamine market), local police discovered an organic meth lab operating under Sprouts parking lot.

The response from the community has been mixed. Most citizens recognize that methamphetamine is pretty bad. What about that one jackass at the coffee shop who won’t shut up about his vegan cookie recipes? He’s all for it. It’s organic!

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team reached out to customers at Sprouts Farmers Market for input.

“Non-organic things kill you,” said Juniper Blossom, a mystic from Smyrna, who casually glossed over the dangerous and explosive nature of an active meth lab. “Watching these people commit to a healthy lifestyle of organic and non-GMO methamphetamine is inspiring.”

Willow Dawson, who currently studies gypsy fashion at Middle Tennessee State University, passed the meth lab on her way to purchase locally sourced, fair trade, gluten-free kale chips, and offered mixed sentiments.

“I’ve never tried meth,” said Dawson, “but I’m proud of these people for choosing organic.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department declined to comment on whether or not the architects of the organic meth lab will be given preferential treatment for preparing their goods in a manner that your relative who you didn’t ask for any advice will tell you is the right way to live.

Couple to Sell Home, Piss Off Every Realtor They Know Except One

August 8, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Jake and Ashley Tisdall are on the move. The Murfreesboro couple recently purchased a new home in Garrison Cove and plan to sell their current home, much to the dismay of every real estate agent in town except the one realtor selected to sell the home.

The Tisdalls plan to list their home with Mark SellsHomes with Parks, who legally changed his name from Mark Stinson to Mark SellsHomes because the market is hot! Seriously though. Do you know what your home is worth?

After listing the home for sale with SellsHomes, the Tisdalls will ultimately infuriate every other realtor that they have ever casually come into contact with, and probably some realtors that they haven’t even met, including:

  1. Their friend from church who is a realtor.
  2. Their friend from Ashley’s book club who is a realtor.
  3. Their friend who lives down the block who is a realtor.
  4. The guy they know who says that every other realtor in town is garbage except for him, And he would know because he is a realtor.
  5. The guy they met at a charity event who forced his card into their hand without even asking if they were interested to know what he did for a living, who happens to be a realtor.
  6. The lady who knocked on their door last Saturday to let them know that the market is doing well and they should list their home with her, who is a realtor.
  7. The realtor camped out front of their home in a Coleman Sundome who happened to learn that they were interested in selling a few days ago and decided to stage a peaceful sit-in to earn the sale.
  8. The guy with realtor ads on the grocery cart at Kroger because he is watching. And he is also a realtor.
  9. The realtor who kidnapped their daughter, Olivia, and is holding her ransom in exchange for the listing.
  10. Bob Parks.

The Tisdalls have a plan in place to weather the storm of realtor discontent.

In the meantime, realtors interested in selling the Tisdall home are encouraged to passive-aggressively mention that the market is doing fairly well and that they would be happy to list the home, even though the Tisdalls have already selected a realtor.

UPDATE: The author of this article has now obtained a realtor license and will pursue the listing, Mark SellsHomes be damned.

UPDATE PART DEUX: The author of this article saved Olivia from captivity, which puts him in strong position to obtain the listing by negotiating her safe return to the Tisdalls. This market is hot!

Candidate Who Never Cared About Voting Now Really Wants You to Vote

August 4, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Election Day, Murfreesboro! That time of year where strangers jump into our personal space to explain how they are going to save America by serving on our local road board.

In a surprising turn of events, a guy that you have known for years, who has never mentioned state or local elections one time, even in passing or on social media, has evolved into a passionate advocate for involvement in state and local elections, with an emphasis on everyone voting for him.

Meet Jesse Pinkel, Candidate for Murfreesboro City School Board. Jesse, 34, is an accountant with Dewey Dickham & Howe. Prior to this year, Jesse was unaware that this city even held elections. However, now that he is running for office, he believes that you and every red-blooded American should fight earth, wind, and fire to get to your polling station on election day.

Pinkel has posted approximately eight hundred and sixty-seven status updates to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram since yesterday morning, which no one close to him has had the heart to tell him have earned his campaign the combined love and affection generally given to posts from Plexus and That Crazy Wrap Thing.

Recently, Pinkel took a bold stand in the election, offering services to orphans in exchange for votes, but passively threatening orphans if you don’t get on this make-school-boards-great-again train.

Pinkel

Polls will close at 7:00 p.m. tonight, at which time Pinkel will let his Facebook followers know whether he loves them all or plans to burn this place to the ground.

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