Author: Nell Bly

Ex-Sheriff Bob Darnold Sent to 5-Star Hotel to Serve Prison Sentence

July 31, 2017 /

CLUB FED ALL-INCLUSIVE, BAHAMAS – As reported by local news affiliates that we steal stuff from, Ex-Sheriff and convicted felon Bob Darnold has been moved to a minimum security federal prison in the Caribbean called “Club Fed” following complaints by his mother that jail is hard.

The Murfreesboro Tribune sent Female Reporter Nell E. Bly undercover to the five-star resort prison to find the truth about the harshness of federal prison.

“Club Fed was a lot like Orange is the New Black, but without the hot lesbian action,” said Bly upon her return, seated comfortably wearing a crocheted Afghan with her skin glowing from a tan and her hair in small braids.

Darnold pled guilty earlier this year to charges of running a nicotine-based drug ring at the county jail. He was sentenced to four years in prison and ordered to pay $2.00 in restitution.

Earlier this year, Darnold’s mother, Jeanette Keyeez, complained to prison officials that her son, a federal prisoner, was actually being treated like a federal prisoner.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” Keyeez wrote back in January, as if prison should take place in a Caribbean paradise.

Well now, after much hard work from Keyeez, and after the federal authorities realized that Darnold didn’t commit a violent offense, such as murder or selling some weed out of the back of your truck, Darnold is spending his prison time in Club Fed, an actual Caribbean paradise.

“The club has a music room, pool tables, a fitness center and even a nude beach where prisoners can relax and work on their tans,” Bly reported. “The only thing that made it look like a jail was the razor wire and sharks guarding the lagoon.”

“But it looks more like a golf course or a country club with its manicured lawns than a prison,” Bly added, which stands in stark contrast to the bread-and-water, mold-filled, windowless, brick- block monstrosity where jailed inmates are held in Rutherford County.

Thanks to federal sentencing guidelines, which make an awful lot of sense, Darnold could be out as early as next month for good behavior. But as nice as this prison is, he might want to stay there as long as possible.

Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at [email protected].

Medicaid Recipient Oddly Excited About Obamacare Repeal

July 19, 2017 /

Tommy Tomilson, who has received disability for the past ten years because his bad back and “nerves,” recently expressed his excitement about the upcoming vote to rewrite parts of Obamacare.

In a Facebook post to friends and family, Tomilson said he was happy he voted for President Donald Trump and, if he lived in Kentucky, he would have voted for Mitch McConnell too because the men are “keeping their words and getting rid of that damn Obamacare.”

Tomilson seemed unclear on the potential impact to his own health insurance, adding “I’m glad I get Medicaid through the Affordable Care Act and not that piece of crap Obamacare. Thanks for nothing, Obama!”

According to the Congressional Budget Office, the Senate rewrite of the ACA will leave twenty-two million uninsured, many due to Medicaid cuts, and cause premiums to sharply increase for those over forty and anyone with a pre-existing condition.

Tomilson then started arguing with distant cousin who only communicates through HuffPost articles and Occupy Democrats memes, like a typical communist.

He ended the conversation with “Get the government out of my Medicaid! Benghazi! #MAGA”

Tomilson next posted about “RINOs” making McConnell wait until after the Fourth of July to vote on the bill in the Senate after several key votes were lost when Senators realized it must be bad when even the AARP campaigns against you.

“We elected you to repeal and replace Obamacare. Get on it!”

Tomilson was last seen shouting at the neighbor kids to get off his yard.

Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at [email protected].

Murfreesboro Vice Mayor Twitter Tirade: HR Director “Low IQ,” “Crazy”

June 30, 2017 /

Murfreesboro Vice Mayor Straddlin’ Madeline Hales went on a Twitter tirade Thursday after former HR Director Lynn Goodwin said that Hales caused the City of Murfreesboro to fire Goodwin earlier this month.

The feud began over a pay scale readjustment from several few years ago. City employees felt their raises weren’t high enough (even though most American workers hadn’t seen a raise in more than a decade and had to work two jobs to make as much as a city employee) and complained about having to work too much (even though they get every bank holiday, federal holiday neighborhood bat mitzvah, and every other Friday off).

On Thursday, a letter written to City Manager Roarin’ Rob Lyons from Goodwin’s attorney was made public to local media, in which Goodwin’s attorney, Jack Jayson, accused Hales of pressuring Goodwin to give raises to her friends. When Goodwin refused, she got him fired, the attorney said.

“Hales demanded he take action to favor these employees. In my opinion, her actions could be a violation of the city charter,” Jayson alleged in the letter. “This was an unprecedented move by the city.”

“There are many, many more specifics that I will forgo detailing at this point still hoping some resolution can be reached without litigation,” he continued, presumably elbowing and winking at the reader.

In response, a potentially unhinged Hales took to Twitter (@RealStraddlinMadeline) and railed against Goodwin, the City of Murfreesboro, and men in general, calling Goodwin “low I.Q.” and “crazy,” among other things.

 

In twenty-seven subsequent tweets, Hales called Goodwin many, many names, like “pathetic,” “sad,” “a loser,” “liar,” and “fake news.”

When contacted for comment, Hales’s spokeswoman, Sarah Chucklebee, responded that the councilwoman to entitled to her response, and yelled to no one “this is a witch hunt!”

The response from Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland was almost as useful.

“This is a management issue,” he said, while genuflecting to Roarin’ Rob Lyons. “I can’t be bothered to comment otherwise.”

In response to his firing Goodwin has retained counsel and filed a request for Family Medical Leave from the City of Murfreesboro, to which the Murfreesboro Legal Department responded in an all caps email, “YOU CAN’T TAKE FMLA AFTER YOU’VE BEEN FIRED!”

Jack Jayson sees things differently. “We’ll see about that,” Jayson said, when asked about FMLA leave.

The Tribune will stay abreast of this developing situation.

Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at [email protected].

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