Author: Eddie Poe (Page 2 of 2)

Shocking: Woman on Dating App Allergic to Asking Questions

November 7, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro resident Dave Shelton engaged in a recent conversation on the dating app Hinge that alerted the 33 year-old to a host of puzzling medical conditions that he had no idea existed, most notably his match’s apparent allergy towards asking any form of question whatsoever.

Hinge is a dating app designed by Facebook that matches potential couples based off of mutual friends, who serve as the “Hinge” that anonymously allows the desperate, perennially-single suitors to cram an attempt at finding perfect marital bliss into anywhere from a one to thirty-six hour time frame.

“I started a conversation with Salome, this beautiful woman in Nashville, and I thought we’d hit it off,” said Shelton. “She’s a blogger, I’m an unemployed freelance writer, and we’re both holding beers in our main profile picture. I got really excited.”

Dave and Salome messaged back and forth a few times, but things didn’t seem to click between the two, which obviously makes no sense because Dave is a mildly handsome normcore myopic without gainful employment living in Murfreesboro.

“We matched, I sent her a message, she waited 24 hours to respond, I waited 48 hours to respond, she hit me back up, I caught her 5 seconds later, and it was on,” said Shelton.

Or so he thought.

Shelton consistently asked Salome a series of engaging questions curated from a list he found on Google, each of which she responded to in a strange manner he had never before encountered–asking her questions resulted in 1/2 to 1/4 of an actual answer.

“As an opener, I asked her what had been the best part of her week,” said Shelton. “She replied ‘Tacos lol’. On top of that, she could not end one sentence without a ‘haha or lol’ in place of any form of proper punctuation. She even mentioned that her grandmother had ‘Died recently lolz.'”

Things came to a head when Dave asked her how she liked living in Nashville, to which she replied by asking him how he liked living in Nashville, the only question Salome asked him the entire time.

“Now that I think about it, I think she was allergic to asking questions,” Shelton observed. “It couldn’t have been that she finally realized that I live in Murfreesboro, could it? It’s right there on my profile. I know EpiPens are expensive, but shit.”

At press time, a quick perusal of Salome’s profile on the Hinge app yielded one last paradox: a picture of an arm tattoo spelling out “Wanderlust” above a strict disclaimer for men on the app not to contact her under any circumstances if they do not live in Nashville city limits.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Facebook Users Share Facebook Post to Stop Facebook from Gaining Info on Facebook

October 24, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Members of popular social media network Facebook have fallen for a common hoax, which asks the user to copy and paste a packaged set of mumbo jumbo words in an effort to prevent a corporate takeover of their sensitive information and cat photographs.

The ruse, in which users’ personal information is threatened to be made public due to a nonexistent change in the website’s Terms of Service, has gullible adults copying and sharing a blanket statement that denies Facebook the ability to publish details about their personal lives.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe takes to the street to ask Rutherford County citizens how they feel about the matter.

From the Street: What do you think about your friends sharing a Facebook post to protect their privacy on Facebook?

from-the-street-7“My sister fell for it, although I’m baffled as to why ‘Chatty Cathy’ is dedicated to making people think she’s concerned with security. Up until now, her rampant over sharing of the minutiae her daily life shows how incredibly insecure she is.”
Ted Daniels, Security Guard

from-the-street-5“Oh I read those posts, but I didn’t do anything because Zuckerberg is welcome to share all of my Donald Trump and inspirational Bible Verse posts to the world. What we need right now in this country is a Trump/Jesus ticket.”
Sarah Smalls, Homemaker

from-the-street-11“Did these morons not read Facebook’s Terms of Service? They should. There’s a killer recipe for Duck L’Orange on page 1,276.”
Alice B. Tokeless, Food Blogger

from-the-street-8“Back in my day, we made sure everything stayed private with a combination of duct tape, keeping our mouths shut, and burying the bodies under cover of darkness.”
Gus “The Night Shiv” Garlands, Retired Consigliere

Nashville OKs Weed; Don’t Worry Guys, Murfreesboro Still Going to Heaven

October 4, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Nashville’s Metro Council made history last month when it passed legislation to allow civil penalties for possession of small amounts of marijuana.

The bill, which was intended to provide relief to low-income and minority residents, allows police the option to reduce the penalty for a small amount of the sticky icky to a $50 fine and community service, an option that police will tragically, ironically, and inevitably use to further discriminate against low-income and minority residents.

In Murfreesboro, citizens are concerned that the growing influence of wacky tobacky may compromise the wholesome family values of Rutherford County, which are promoted fairly heavily in Rutherford County, even if it requires sweeping rampant drug use and low-income neighborhoods under the rug of society.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what Murfreesboro residents think about the Nashville Metro Council selling its soul to the devil for some of that sweet sweet cheeba.

From the Street: What do you think about the Nashville Metro Council passing a bill to allow decriminalization of marijuana possession?

from-the-street-3
“This will just make it easier to have two justice systems, one for real criminals, and one for those of us that like to puff on a little binger of jazz salad and get higher than a bat’s ass.”
Corey Janke, Marijuana Enthusiast.


“If I’d known that potential tax revenue effectively eliminates personal sins, I’d have started working at Enchanted Planet years ago.”
Jasmine Wakefield, Sales Associate at Enchanted Planet.


“I just hope none of those hippies decide to come down to Rutherford County with their Strawberry Diesel, Blue Dream, or Afghan Kush. Using nouns as adjectives is for wimps and commies.”
Winston Cutcliffe, Farmer.

from-the-street-6
“Awesome. It lets the police officer act on his own discretion. No one is better at ignoring instinct than a police officer.”
James Tarver, Unlikely to be given Civil Penalty.

Local Teacher Confident Plexus Income Worth Total Devastation to Reputation

September 27, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – With an unwavering sense of pride and ignoble confidence, local Smeagol High School English Teacher Ashley Crouch stated on Tuesday that the amount of money she will be “raking in” following a recent decision to become a Plexus Ambassador will “totally justify” the massive and irreparable damage to her reputation that such a move entails.

Plexus is a company that makes and advertises non-FDA approved weight loss supplements, which it sells through the use of Ambassadors—sales representatives who use coercion, shame, and white guilt to market the company’s merchandise under the false pretense of miraculous increases in health, while recruiting others to join them.

Crouch, an unmarried eight-year veteran of the Murfreesboro City School District, revealed in an exclusive interview with The Tribune that her hubric courage to become a pyramid-scheming franchisee slave came in the form of a recent breakthrough with her psychotherapist, Barbara Pearl.

“Barb has been telling me lately that most people don’t think nearly as much about us as we tend to think they do,” said Crouch, “so I don’t really see any harm in living life at the end of my comfort zone and putting good money toward my annual solo trip to Disneyworld”—a sentiment that her closest friends, colleagues, and family wholeheartedly reject.

“She’s still seeing Barb? Oh Jesus H. Vishnu,” said Amanda Crouch, Ashley’s mother. “I thought we’d convinced her to see another caregiver. I’ve told her over and over that Barbara Pearl isn’t even a therapist!”

A review of the Tennessee State Medical Boards revealed that Barbara Pearl is not a licensed mental health counselor. However, Pearl is the #1 Plexus Ambassador in Middle Tennessee.

“The most important thing for my patients is to understand that they have the power to fix themselves,” said Pearl. “They can fix themselves by selling my products to fix a leaky gut and making me some extra money.”

Bethany Amber, a fellow English teacher at Smeagol High School, summed up Crouch’s endeavor as “batshit insane,” adding that Crouch has created Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter accounts, along with giving Squarespace a five-year upfront payment for AshleyCrouchPlexusRocks.com.

“The fuck is she going to post?” Amber asked. “And who’s going to ‘like’ any of it?”

A review of Crouch’s social media accounts provided a sad picture. The most provocative posts show waning interest in the honorable field of education and increasing interest in selling Plexus through the oldest profession in the world.

plexus-post

plexus-post-2

“We try to discourage teachers from this kind of thing,” said City Schools Director Melinda Filbert. “Not only does it take away their focus, but also that of the entire school, because these companies pressure Ambassadors to send emails to everyone they work with, which ties up resources and attention.”

Filbert expressed frustration that Crouch continues to offer Plexus products to students, teachers, parents, coaches, teacher aides, tutors, after school childcare workers, janitors, cafeteria workers, and even a sprinkler system.

“I brought her into the office to give her a second verbal warning for Plexus solicitation,” said Filbert. “She then invited me to her home for a Plexus Party. I’m not sure I have any option but to fire her.”

Despite all of this, Crouch is resolute in her decision. At time of printing, her most recent Instagram post contained seven boxes of Plexus products on her front porch with the caption #plexus4lifebitches.

City Council: Broad Street Bridge Better Be Named for Someone Who Sucks

September 12, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland heralded as “the most cooperative meeting we’ve ever had,” members of the Murfreesboro City Council on Monday held a first reading of the list of possible candidates deemed unworthy enough to lend their name to the much-maligned “Bridge Over Broad Street” project.

Several council members have noted that no one wants to have the Broad Street Bridge named in their honor, as the thirty-seven year construction project has quickly become one of the most despised structures in Rutherford County.

The smattering of current and former officials, unloved local celebrities, and Murfreesboro criminal defense lawyers that were named, one by one, during the raucous four-hour meeting represent a “who’s who” of people that the entire city would happily applaud if seen either rotting on top of Mt. Trashmore or emblazoned on the side of a $17 million TDOT overpass.

The City Council roundly agreed that no current Council Member would be allowed to have their names chosen for the bridge, a measure that Councilman Don Young simply read three times at a rapid rate of speed while other Council Members said “Not It” as quickly as possible.

The bridge project was almost named the Councilman Eddie Silverman Overpass, as he was last to say “Not it” on the first reading—an error that he attempted to hide with the use of a garish pastel shirt and tie combination, which made no fashion sense at the early September meeting.

In what this reporter can only call the most enjoyable thing since sharing a dram of laudanum with a cousin of the fairer sex, each member of the City Council giddily wasted no time in an effort to highlight some of the biggest pieces of shit that Rutherford County has to offer, which made for the best evening I’ve had since I moved here from Baltimore.

Unfortunately there is not enough space in a Sunday New York Times, let alone the humble Tribune, to list each and every name heard in the meeting, but I have included some of the more interesting quotations for readers’ benefit:

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I think everything in this city should be named after me, but please do not honor my sacrifices here—at this time. Give it to Bob Darnold. He has my vote.” – Councilwoman Straddlin’ Madelyn Hales

“Usually I can think of at least fifty ways to come up with a more complicated solution, and as you know I’m not afraid make us discuss them right now, but I’ll be quick. My vote is Loveless Bridge. Wait, no, Zavisa Bridge.” – Councilman Diamond Bill Hackett

When the meeting adjourned, Eddie Silverman sulked off in the direction of the Greenway, likely to discharge a firearm into the air, which is how he unplugs after a long night of being responsible, as the good Lord intended.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

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