Sheriff Darnold’s Mother Upset That Jail is Actually a Jail

PRISONTOWN, KY – In news that surprises absolutely no one, Jeanette Keyeez, Sheriff Bob Darnold’s mother, is pretty upset that her son, who is being held in jail awaiting trial, is being treated like he is being held in jail.

Keyeez wrote a letter to the judge presiding over Darnold’s case, as if the judge hadn’t considered that Darnold’s mother might be upset when Darnold was sent to be held in a federal prison.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” wrote Sheriff Darnold’s Mother, seemingly unaware that her son’s day job prior to hawking e-cigs and playing knockaround with his wife was to hold inmates in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot square room for more than 80 days.

Keyeez wrote further that Darnold has not been able to watch television, eat ramen noodles, popcorn, candy, and soft drinks, or talk to the guards because the guards “don’t have time to talk.”

This is real life, boys and girls.

Here at The Tribune, we imagine that Keyeez likely took issue with several other policies at the Grayson County Detention Center, including:

  • The mini bar is not fully stocked.
  • The jail has no in-house shoe shine service
  • There is no free wifi
  • Inmates are forced to listen to Pandora with commercials
  • The Prison Mart only has red skittles, not Darnold’s preferred purple skittles
  • Several guards continue to discussĀ Game of Thrones spoilers without discipline

Just in case you were worried that Darnold would not receive the protection he deserves, Keyeez went ahead and took this thing to the top:

The Tribune has reached out to the entire federal government listed above, but has not received a response.

In related news, Vice President Biden was pretty upset to not receive a copy of the letter.

3 Comments

  1. Who writes these articles? Can you at least get the names right?

    • AC,

      To answer your first question: Tribune Editor, Sam Clemens, and Tribune Beat Reporter, Eddie Poe.

      As to the second, the Tribune changes its subjects’ names so that readers understand that we are skewering community members solely for the purpose of humor; also to prevent claims of libel.

      Best,

      Eddie Poe
      Beat Reporter

  2. Satire: (noun) Literary device designed to separate the intelligent from the illiterate.

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