MURFREESBORO, TN – At a press conference on Wednesday, the Murfreesboro Tribune announced the hiring of Beat Reporter Eddie Poe. The addition is being hailed by someone as “the most critical hire since the Continental Congress named George Washington Commander in Chief of the Continental Army.”

Poe is a native of Boston, by way of Baltimore. He studied at the University of Virginia and the United States Military Academy and most recently spent one hundred and sixty-seven years at the prestigious Westminster Hall in Baltimore.

Murfreesboro Tribune Founder, President, Editor, CEO, Catering Manager, and Marketing Director Sam Clemens praised Poe as an accomplished writer and an exceptional drunk, which Clemens claims will make Poe a valued addition to the Tribune.

“Not everyone can write fake news,” said Clemens. “It takes a special kind of person to create a pseudonym and skewer local news and events, all while living in your mother’s basement.”

At this point in the press conference, Clemens welcomed questions from the press, but the press just kept making pancakes. By the press, we mean Sam’s mother, who was the only attendee at the press conference, which was called in her kitchen while Sam ate breakfast.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter is a new position at the Tribune. Clemens announced that the Beat Reporter will likely cover local news, local events, and other pressing issues, including what kind of nachos taste the best when high on PCP and how to sleep your way to a Tribbies Award.

You can reach Eddie Poe at [email protected].