MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe, writing about himself in the third person, confirmed Thursday that The Tribune, the only Rutherford County news publication you actually enjoy reading, is back from a long overdue and insufficiently restful vacation with not one—but two—of your former girlfriends.
“Facebook decided to put us on forced leave without adhering to the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993,” noted Poe. “Sam and I decided to enjoy our break by taking your former girlfriends on a whirlwind trip to Bali, Iceland, Prague, and Denver.”
For the past three months, The Tribune has been bogged down in a media battle as part of Mark Zuckerberg’s attempt to disentangle his social network from the fake news debacle that allowed Donald Trump to become elected president and Vladimir Putin to become de facto POTUS.
During the battle, Poe and Clemens decided to take your girlfriends for the ride of their lives, through several romantic and tropical destinations.
“They were amazing,” said Poe. “And I’m not talking about the cities we visited.”
When pressed for details, Clemens was notably more tight-lipped than Poe, which is more than we can say about your exes, who both cited a long dissatisfaction with your performance at work and in the bedroom as their reasons for quitting their jobs to romp around the globe.
The Tribune has confirmed that both of your exes currently recovering from sexual exhaustion at Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital. Make sure to plan your visit on a Tuesday or Thursday if you decide to go, because if we run into each other it would be awkward for everyone.
Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at firstname.lastname@example.org.