MURFREESBORO, TN – Walmart announced plans on Friday to open a new Walmart Supercenter in the Rutherford County Historic Courthouse.

“We believe that Walmart will provide stability to the Public Square,” said Walmart Regional Manager John DeVries, “and an opportunity to bankrupt at least a half a dozen other mom and pop businesses in the surrounding area.”

The Murfreesboro City Council approved the proposed Walmart Supercenter at its regularly scheduled meeting on Thursday night.

“There’s a Walmart everywhere else in this town, so we figured why not put one on the Square,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland. “At this point, we pretty much just said f*** it— they can go where they want”

Conservative estimates place the proposed store as the twenty-seventh Walmart in Rutherford County, which has spurred explosive growth in check cashing outlets, liquor stores, and other luxury industries.

The Rutherford County Historic Courthouse was built in 1859 according to Wikipedia, which is about as far as this author can get right now after a few too many glasses of Chianti. But since when is it against the law to have a few drinks before work, you judgmental prick?

Initial plans indicate that the first floor will be home goods, the second floor will be food and groceries, and the third floor will remain closed to the public.

Walmart officials have been unable to locate anyone who has actually been to the third floor of the Historic Courthouse and, as a result, Walmart believes the third floor to be haunted.

For more information on Walmart’s continued expansion into the hearts and homes of Rutherford County, raise the issue at your family Thanksgiving Dinner or challenge one of the people sitting on a bench on the Public Square to a measured debate about capitalism. That would be one hell of a ride.