MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Abstinence Advocates (MAA) endorsed Pokémon Go as its preferred leisure activity on Monday and issued a statement that the gameplay of Pokémon Go fits the MAA Mission of abstinence and isolationism.
The Mission of Murfreesboro Abstinence Advocates is to promote healthy choices among youth to reduce the risks of sexual activity. MAA will work to provide safe and healthy alternatives to sexual activity through distraction, misdirection, and general shaming of masturbation.
“We strive to provide social opportunities that have virtually no chance of anyone having sex,” said MAA President Jenny Collins, who looked lustfully at the writer of this article, eyes dancing with forbidden fire, “and Pokémon Go knocks that out of the park.”
“I mean, look at the guys wandering around town with their phones out,” Collins added. “Those are abstinence warriors.”
Pokemon Go is an augmented reality video game, played through cell phones, in which users have an opportunity to capture various characters in a Poke Ball and viciously drag those characters away from their families and loved ones.
Proponents of Pokémon Go hail the game as an opportunity for otherwise isolated gamers to get out of their homes, exercise, and socialize with other players.
The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team researched the proposed benefits of Pokémon Go and found that Pokémon Go offers a unique type of exercise and socialization.
- Pokémon Go Exercise. A slow, zombie-like walk around the grounds of public places, which often leads to players being confused with someone who desperately needs to poop lurching towards the restroom as feces slowly escapes their sphincter.
- Pokémon Go Socialization. Standing near other people in real life, but never removing your eyes from your cell phone screen and never, under any circumstances, physically communicating with other humans. And traffic? Forget about it. Just walk into the road.
“We are thrilled for this partnership,” said Collins, who by this time had casually unbuttoned her top button, playing it off like she didn’t want a sneak peek at the writer of this article’s Jigglypuff, “Pokémon Go allows our members to be in public, but not pay attention to anyone, and no interaction means a lower chance at sexual activity.”