MURFREESBORO, TN – In what residents describe as news about things they’ve never heard of, the editors-in-chief of The Rhinestone and Real Nashville News, a pair of middling satire newspapers that inconspicuously serve Nashville and surrounding areas, have presumably quit their jobs and are feared missing or dead.

The Rhinestone last published an article on August 18, 2016, twenty-eight days prior to the publication of this article. Real Nashville News, meanwhile, last posted to its Facebook page on August 14, 2016, a staggering thirty-two days ago.

The lapse in time, during which time the RMS Titanic could have crossed the Atlantic on six different occasions and still had time to sink to the bottom of the ocean, has the three people who know about these publications worried that tragedy may have struck two previously unknown D-List writers.

One Rhinestone reader speculated that the two writers went on The Bachelor, like every other radio host or dick specialist in Nashville. Another opined that the two bought a new house on a site where a historic home had been recently bulldozed, crammed into the space with four others, and were forced to work paid jobs to keep up with the Nashville Joneses.

Of course, it is possible that both authors went on vacation, despite being absent long enough for Al Roker to run a marathon 107 times (and he is sixty-two!). Such a vacation would be expected from these two likely junior college educated journalists.

The author of this article is not concerned. Some men can take heat. Some can’t. Others, like these two bitches, can’t take some pretty handsome competition just a stone’s throw down I-24.

The door is open, ladies. Taking all comers.

But seriously. Come back. We have had enough time to watch the entire Godfather trilogy over eighty four times and we still hate The Godfather Part III. Hot chicken shits simply can’t be this debilitating.