MURFREESBORO, TN – On January 7, 2017, the Facebook Police Department executed a search warrant on the Global Headquarters of The Murfreesboro Tribune, located in the corner booth of the Captain D’s on Broad Street. It was just one person sitting there, but the Facebook Security Cartel evidently places a high priority on preventing the carnage levied on the masses by small town satire sites.
As a result of the police raid, or as a result of some combination of absurdity, security practices, and numerous “flagged articles,” Facebook has indefinitely shut down The Murfreesboro Tribune Facebook Page.
Sure, the website could be shut down because some articles are offensive. Of note, The Tribune actively skewers local elected officials and political positions, as satire tends to do, in a way that likely pisses off a large percentage of the electorate.
“This is a positive step for all things ridiculous,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, finally saying something on the twelfth day that I wouldn’t get off his lawn.
Zuckerberg neglected to explain how his security police flagged a satire website but failed to stop the seventy thousand goddamn clickbait sites that peddle garbage on the world wide web. We get it. At the three minute mark of that video, you completely lose your mind, but I’m not going to click on that shit just to go through a seventy-page slideshow of advertisements for one simple speeding trick that cops wish I didn’t know,
As of the publication of this post, the Tribune Editorial Team, comprised of one hobbyist who spends time writing fake news instead of enjoying life, has not decided whether it wishes to pursue verification of the website. Instead, the Editorial Team will likely just let the site ride off into the sunset to an unimaginative internet death, like Friendster, MySpace, and so many have done before.
UPDATE: We just checked and MySpace is still an actual website? Who goes on there? If you go on there, please email us so we can meet you, as your breed slowly goes extinct.
This story is developing, but the Editorial Team believes that it is critical that we comment on the ongoing investigation. After minutes of deep thoughts, the Editorial Team issues the following formal position:
To quote my boys Eazy E and Dr. Dre,, mother f*** the Facebook Police.
I’m just gonna set this microphone down right over here and keep writing fake news that no one reads.