MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Parks & Recreation hosted its first youth football practice last week, welcoming dozens of youngsters eager to shuck off the advice of every medical professional who has ever researched American football and pursue the unlikely chance that athletic excellence may yield high school popularity.
“It’s a great day for football,” said Coach Brick Rocke. “And I mean it. The overcast sky won’t create many issues when these ten year olds get their first concussion.”
“Gotta learn some time!” Rocke added with a hearty laugh and an involuntary eye twitch earned playing college football.
Local preteens spent the day learning football fundamentals, practicing tackling technique, and writing letters to former youth football players who currently reside in the Middle Tennessee Center for Brain Trauma (totally unrelated btw).
“It’s going to be a great season,” said Jack Thompson, whose son, Gunner, plays for the twelve year old Pop Warner team. “Gunner has totally recovered from his second knee replacement and hasn’t had night tremors in a solid three months. All systems go!”
The 2018 Murfreesboro Youth Football League is sponsored by Andrew Haskins, M.D. Dr. Haskins and his team of board-licensed neurosurgeons view the sponsorship as an investment in future brain injury patients.
“We love giving back to youth sports,” said Dr. Haskins. “And these kids are gonna beat their heads in anyways, so we may as well be the first name in mind when they return to consciousness.”
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MURFREESBORO, TN – A fight erupted at the Old Fort Parkway Walmart early Friday morning over a flash sale of low-quality off-brand toasters. During the fight, 46-year-old Jack Kerowitz got his hands on a toaster, but was stabbed twice in abdomen. According to Kerowitz, he came out a winner.
“I’m just excited to have got such a good deal,” said Kerowitz while strapped to an ambulance gurney, still bleeding from his stomach. “These things are normally ten dollars, and I got it for less than five!”
Walmart Security was unable to identify the perpetrator who stabbed Kerowitz in the stomach, but store employees have created a list of suspects, which includes Kerowitz’s own wife, who appeared upset at missing out on the toaster deal.
“I don’t really have nothing to say,” said Melanie Kerowitz, Jack’s wife, while she conspicuously folded a pocket knife and slid it into her purse. “I’m pretty upset I didn’t get a toaster and now I have to hear it from Jack that he got one and I didn’t.”
St. Thomas Rutherford confirmed that Jack Kerowitz was admitted to the hospital early Friday morning with non-life-threatening injuries and that he remains there, but declined to comment further, citing medical confidentiality.
Despite the hospital being jackasses about it, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team reached Kerowitz later Friday morning and he seemed to be in high spirits.
“You ever had soft bread before?” Kerowitz asked. “I don’t have to deal with that shit anymore. I’ll be here a couple days to get patched up, but this was totally worth it.”