MURFREESBORO, TN – Vandalism rocked Murfreesboro again on Thursday when vandals struck a local trailer park and draped steamed vegetables on the door handles of a trailer belonging to Billy Kipp, a well known University of Alabama Football fan.
The vandals also spray painted the phone number of a GED completion program on the side of the trailer and littered healthy lifestyle weight loss cookbooks throughout the yard.
The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating the vandalism as a hate crime and have contacted appropriate federal authorities.
“We think it is clear that the vandals know the materials that are morally repugnant to Alabama Football Fans, including health, hygiene, education, and overall likeability,” said Detective Sow Bryant.
“I’m not sure what to think,” said Kipp, between wheezing breaths. “I know the thirteen Alabama Football decals on the side my trailer and the Roll Tide flags hanging on every corner of the house let people know who lives here.”
“Roll Tide,” Kipp added, even though no one said anything to him about anything.
Kipp told The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team that he has heard of vegetables before, but his regular diet of Velveeta cheese, sweet tea, pork rinds, and Sun Drop doesn’t make room for them.
The University of Alabama Alumni Association issued a statement denouncing the vandalism as inconsistent with the fabric of Alabama Football Fans:
The University of Alabama is deeply troubled and saddened by the vandalism against the homes of our fans. This is a deliberate act of hate. We truly appreciate the immediate show of support and solidarity from our fellow fans, who undoubtedly also have obnoxious shit all over their yard and vehicles. However, we are still saddened that this happened in the first place.
A vigil is planned on Friday evening in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Roebuck Avenue. More details are forthcoming.