MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become a treasured pastime in Rutherford County, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland announced Wednesday that the City of Murfreesboro has started preparations for the 2018 season of fully and comprehensively ignoring MTSU Athletics.
“It’s that time of year again,” said Mayor McHarland to those gathered at a mid-morning press conference, holding back a smile. ” We can gather our loved ones and plan activities as if the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders simply do not exist.”
Mayor McHarland retrieved the Murfreesboro City Charter, kept in the mayor’s personal safe behind a stack of cash and a pile of unidentified white powder. The Charter incorporated the City of Murfreesboro in 1817 and included the mission behind ignoring MTSU Athletics.
Every size of citizen that we can measure
knows that ignoring MTSU is a time that we must treasure.
Murfreesboro City Charter, Paragraph 13
The crowd gathered for the press conference echoed Mayor McHarland and Councilman Shade, frequently yelling horrific obscenities such as “Roll Tide!” “War Eagle!” “Geaux Tigers!” and “Go Vols!” Despite such evidence of public indecency, no arrests have been made at this time.
The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders will participate in the 2018-2019 NCAA Football Season and NCAA Basketball Season. However, research has also confirmed, based upon the number of obnoxious social media posts made exclusively by fans of the University of Tennessee and the University of Alabama, that this city is once again primed to not give a single shit about Blue Raider Athletics.
“It’s a magical time of year,” said McHarland, in closing. “Cherish this time with your families and, before we know it, this season will pass and we will be ready to cheer on Kentucky Basketball.”
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WHITE TRASH, USA – The Alabama Crimson Tide won another National Championship on Monday night, defeating the University of Georgia in dramatic fashion. Trailer parks are rocking throughout America as Alabama fans celebrate another year of vicarious greatness in a destined-to-be-outlawed athletic competition.
The Alabama Department of Safety, working out of its satellite office in the Chester’s Fried Chicken facilities on Cahaba Road in Birmingham, announced that it is expecting a baby boom in the coming months, which will result from joyful championship celebration.
“We expect a significant increase in children born in approximately seven to nine months,” said Alabama Department of Safety Spokesman Joseph Durtt. “Early estimates place the boom at seven thousand new births, with sixty percent of those to be named either Nick, Saban, or Bear.”
In an equally significant estimate, Durtt announced that the family trees throughout the State of Alabama are expected to fork at least four times, the largest expansion in statewide genetic diversity in decades.
“We are thrilled,” added Durtt. “We haven’t seen this kind of celebration and excitement since they made a movie out of To Kill a Mockingbird so we could all finally understand it through them moving pictures.”
“Don’t worry,” Durtt added with a wink. “The trees are forking a couple of times, but there will still be plenty of white folks around to run things.”
Economists predict an eventual stock surge and economic windfall for Mountain Dew, used car parts vendors, anything denim, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Row Tide, y’all. Row Tide.
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