Tag: It’s True

Police Investigating Spike in Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans

November 3, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating a breakout of “Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans” throughout Rutherford County.

Around 11:00 p.m. last night, authorities claim that social media erupted with unprecedented fits of Cubs fandom, often from individuals who had never before posted about the Chicago Cubs.

“It’s important for the community to remain calm,” said MPD Spokesman Harry Kerry. “We are confident that these lifelong Cubs fans will soon lose interest, especially if the Cubs stop winning.”

Social media posts were often accompanied by references to curses and billy goats, which has caused authorities to label the breakout as some kind of sorcery or witchcraft.

“We aren’t taking these reports lightly,” added Kerry. “Animal sacrifice and rituals is a hot button issue in this town and we will investigate fully.”

Reports indicate that the typical Lifelong Cubs Fan is a lifelong resident of Middle Tennessee, tied to the Chicago Cubs by nothing except a television and a desire to be part of an underdog story. Lifelong Cubs Fans also often have a fabricated story from their childhood that loosely ties them to the franchise, providing an excuse for shameless bandwagon hopping.

An unnamed source in the Murfreesboro Police Department indicated that police expect the spike in Lifelong Cubs Fans to decline quickly, as Lifelong Cubs Fans turn to other sports and remember that they are also Lifelong Alabama Football Fans, Lifelong Kentucky Basketball Fans, and Lifelong Dallas Cowboys Fans.

The author of this article has looked at ESPN once and decided that he too is a Lifelong Cubs Fan. That looks like fun! Scoot on over and make room on the bandwagon, boys and girls. It’s great to cheer for a champion!

Couple to Sell Home, Piss Off Every Realtor They Know Except One

August 8, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Jake and Ashley Tisdall are on the move. The Murfreesboro couple recently purchased a new home in Garrison Cove and plan to sell their current home, much to the dismay of every real estate agent in town except the one realtor selected to sell the home.

The Tisdalls plan to list their home with Mark SellsHomes with Parks, who legally changed his name from Mark Stinson to Mark SellsHomes because the market is hot! Seriously though. Do you know what your home is worth?

After listing the home for sale with SellsHomes, the Tisdalls will ultimately infuriate every other realtor that they have ever casually come into contact with, and probably some realtors that they haven’t even met, including:

  1. Their friend from church who is a realtor.
  2. Their friend from Ashley’s book club who is a realtor.
  3. Their friend who lives down the block who is a realtor.
  4. The guy they know who says that every other realtor in town is garbage except for him, And he would know because he is a realtor.
  5. The guy they met at a charity event who forced his card into their hand without even asking if they were interested to know what he did for a living, who happens to be a realtor.
  6. The lady who knocked on their door last Saturday to let them know that the market is doing well and they should list their home with her, who is a realtor.
  7. The realtor camped out front of their home in a Coleman Sundome who happened to learn that they were interested in selling a few days ago and decided to stage a peaceful sit-in to earn the sale.
  8. The guy with realtor ads on the grocery cart at Kroger because he is watching. And he is also a realtor.
  9. The realtor who kidnapped their daughter, Olivia, and is holding her ransom in exchange for the listing.
  10. Bob Parks.

The Tisdalls have a plan in place to weather the storm of realtor discontent.

In the meantime, realtors interested in selling the Tisdall home are encouraged to passive-aggressively mention that the market is doing fairly well and that they would be happy to list the home, even though the Tisdalls have already selected a realtor.

UPDATE: The author of this article has now obtained a realtor license and will pursue the listing, Mark SellsHomes be damned.

UPDATE PART DEUX: The author of this article saved Olivia from captivity, which puts him in strong position to obtain the listing by negotiating her safe return to the Tisdalls. This market is hot!

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