Tag: It’s Hot

School Board: “It’s Sixty Degrees. Let’s Close Some Schools.”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Taking a fresh puff of his finest herb and cracking a beer straight out of his cooler on an unusally warm winter day, Rutherford County Schools Director Jack Frost boldly declared that county schools will close Friday in anticipation of a savage ice storm. 

“I think we can all agree that the weather tomorrow is threatening,” Frost said, wiping sweat from his brow. “It’s hot as tits out here right now, but just wait.”

Frost eventually stripped layers to compensate for the heat, emphasizing that it’s sure gonna get cold here in a few hours. 

The School Board supported Director Frost, emphasizing that a heat wave is typically the right time to predict ice and close schools. 

“We aren’t in school in July,” said Board Member Rudolph Deere. “But if we were, we would be closing every other day. Sometimes it’s just so hot that you know an ice storm is coming.”

The announcement came as a surprise to the suburban oasis of Murfreesboro, as residents calmly basked in the sixty-seven degree temperature. 

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team would have iinvestigated, but the team refused to leave the neighborhood block party and cookout, which is usually held in July, but which fit the weather pretty nice.

“We just hope that the community has the same foresight as us,” Director Frost added, coughing out some smoke. “You have to act early. Read the internet, damnit. And act!”

From the Street: Staying Cool in a Heat Wave

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro has seen a recent heat wave, replete with increasing temperatures, unwelcome spaghetti straps, and Crocs.

Fortunately, every person in Murfreesboro appears to own just enough clothing to cover up those naughty bits and take the twin tassels for a leisurely stroll, leaving the shame at home.

Our man Eddie Poe took to the street to get some advice about how to stay cool in a heat wave.

From the Street: How do you stay cool in a heat wave?

I smoke Kool menthol Cigarettes. The 110’s. I’m cool as fuck right now, but you probably can’t hear me through this thick haze of flavor.
Chazz Formerjock, Local Electrician

If I were my mother-in-law, I’d spend the day telling everyone else how hot it is, because no-one couldn’t possibly know or understand thermal change without her say so.
Elizabeth Whyte, Former Resident

My bestie told me to wait for the ice cream truck to randomly show up like it’s a text from my ex, Tyler. Have you heard from him?
Poplin Daniels, Retail Worker

Back in my day, we’d hop head-first into an empty pool and get transported magically to an air conditioned emergency room, but I’m from Canada.
Richard Colter, Tech Analyst 


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.