Tag: From the Street

War on Gummies Ends, Parents Fear Return of Dangerous CBD Gummies

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke Wednesday that the Rutherford County District Attorney is dismissing all charges in Operation Candy Crush, a reckless and dangerous decision that will propel thousands of CBD products, including CBD gummies, back to the streets of Murfreesboro and into the waiting hands of our sweet innocent children.

“The Tennessee Bureau of Investigations is no longer willing to testify that the CBD gummies are a Schedule VI substance,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “You know, because they never really were illegal drugs in the first place. So we have no choice but to dismiss these charges.”

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we take violent and dangerous drug offenses very seriously and we share the concern expressed by tens of people that these CBD oils are being returned to the streets, where they may be harmlessly ingested by children.

Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to discover what you think about these hard drugs being recklessly returned to the junkies and addicts in Murfreesboro.

From the Street: Are you concerned that dangerous candies, pretty much as dangerous as heroin and crack cocaine, are being returned to the slums of Murfreesboro?

I am shocked and appalled. Think of the children! I don’t care that these products are already legal and that the medical community agrees to certain benefits. We need to get this dope under control.
Karen Duchenne, Housewife

I don’t understand. How the hell could our conservative elected officials be wrong on drug policy? I was promised that if we just make everything illegal then all these brown people will get their shit together and drugs will go away. Fox News can’t be wrong! 
Dick Hurts, Mortgage Banker

This world is going to hell and this generation will ruin everything. I’m tired of it. Hell, let’s just let these drugs kill some kids. Then they’ll get the lesson. 
Abe Jenkins, Retired Mechanic

I’ve been using heroin for years and I’m pretty excited that an even harder drug is now available. At least, that’s what my Republican friends told me. This stuff is like “let’s jump off a roof” kinda high, right? I’m in.
Elijah Brewster, Unemployed 


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

From the Street: Weinermobile Hits Middle Tennessee

The Weinermobile, a beloved automobile built in the shape of an Oscar Mayer Weiner, will make stops in Smyrna and Murfreesboro this week in an effort to promote the company’s recent efforts to make their hot dogs healthier.

Here at the Tribune, we are a very serious news organization. Just because this article uses the word weiner doesn’t mean we would make penis jokes. Those would just be too hard to keep up.

[ba dum tsssh]

Our man Eddie Poe took to the streets to find out your thoughts on the phantastical phallic phenom working its way through Middle Tennessee. Fair warning, if this thing remains in town more than four hours, consult a doctor.

From the Street: What do you think about the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile coming to Middle Tennessee?


“A phallic, gas-guzzling machine resembling a food made of pig anus is going to be in town next week? Who’s going to be in D.C. voting to repeal Obamacare, then?”
Sally Samuelson, Program Specialist

 

I’ll pass. I used to be a Weinermobile groupie—no way they’re going to be able to match my crazy nights in the rent-by-the-hour hotels of Madison, Wisconsin.”
Ginger Nathans, Cashier

 

“I read about how Oscar Mayer made them free from artificial preservatives and by-products while avoiding added nitrites and nitrates, but I don’t know what any of that means.”
Bob Eufler, Insurance Salesman


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

CVS Lot Sells for $4M, or 578,428 Bottles of Sudafed to Make Meth

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to local property tax records, the lot containing the CVS Pharmacy on Southeast Broad Street has been purchased for $4 million dollars.

When asked, most regulars at CVS were surprised to learn of the sale price, commenting about how much cough medicine they could buy at that price. Apparently, most folks shopping at CVS suffer from severe sinus congestion.

To find out what the community thinks of the recent sale, Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about the CVS Lot selling for $4 Million?

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“I finally drank enough $2 High Life tallboys at the Wagon Wheel for Shirley and the boys to expand?”
Axel “Gearhead” Grimes, Local Hell’s Angel

 

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“$4 million? That’s cute. Call me on when they sell to Fred’s for $66 Million. I’ll be on my private island.”

Dick Sain, Former Pharmacist and Milkshake Salesman

from-the-street-21“That’s a good price. A lot over in the Clinton-voting section of town would never sell for that much.”
Fluffy Hiddleston-Wasp, Mirabella HOA President

from-the-street-22“Do pharmacies have those going-out-of-business sales like other stores? I need to get my hands on 1,000 Sudafed tabs for my shake-and-bake, uh, allergies.”
Tweaker Adams, Local Chef and Amateur Pharmacist

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

From the Street: Voters Celebrate Historic Hillary Clinton Victory

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what analysts are calling the most celebrated election since Harold Jackson was voted Chairman of the Board of Oscar Mayer, Inc., Hillary Clinton will ride a wave of social media posts and public support on Election Night to a presumed United States Presidency.

This article is being written at 5:00 p.m. Central Time on Tuesday, as the writer of this article has a date with a bottle of Tito’s Vodka, a pack of Slim Jims, and some hanky panky with Jazminn from BackPage (she is only dancing to pay her way through college).

To celebrate this monumental milestone, which social media spheres, media pundits, and paid pollsters (who do this for a living, as their only job, by the way) have all but guaranteed, we took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about Hillary Clinton’s inevitable victory in the United States Presidential Election?

“Wow. Just wow. I’m so glad that America finally woke up and agreed with everything I say. Let’s be real. If you don’t agree with HRC or my views on this, you’re a vicious race-baiting sexist bastard who only lives on white privilege anyways. Good job, America!”
Hailey Marks, College Student

“It’s awesome! It’s so good to know that the media, pollsters, and all my friends agree that this thing is over! I’m turning off my phone for the night and I’m just going to celebrate this milestone. Nothing can stop us now! Let’s go Hillary!”
Mark Rollins, Hair Stylist

from-the-street-11“I’m just so glad that the small amount of people in this country who support Trump are getting what they deserve. Those racist, xenophobic, backwards country hicks can take the Southern states and shove it. No way that places like Pennsylvania, Ohio, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Florida, or Arizona support Trump. It’s over!”
Melanie Hix, Real Estate Agent

“Uhh, shouldn’t we wait a second before celebrating? What if Trump wins?”
Jake Rogers, Racist Woman-Hating Monster

 

Facebook Users Share Facebook Post to Stop Facebook from Gaining Info on Facebook

MURFREESBORO, TN – Members of popular social media network Facebook have fallen for a common hoax, which asks the user to copy and paste a packaged set of mumbo jumbo words in an effort to prevent a corporate takeover of their sensitive information and cat photographs.

The ruse, in which users’ personal information is threatened to be made public due to a nonexistent change in the website’s Terms of Service, has gullible adults copying and sharing a blanket statement that denies Facebook the ability to publish details about their personal lives.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe takes to the street to ask Rutherford County citizens how they feel about the matter.

From the Street: What do you think about your friends sharing a Facebook post to protect their privacy on Facebook?

from-the-street-7“My sister fell for it, although I’m baffled as to why ‘Chatty Cathy’ is dedicated to making people think she’s concerned with security. Up until now, her rampant over sharing of the minutiae her daily life shows how incredibly insecure she is.”
Ted Daniels, Security Guard

from-the-street-5“Oh I read those posts, but I didn’t do anything because Zuckerberg is welcome to share all of my Donald Trump and inspirational Bible Verse posts to the world. What we need right now in this country is a Trump/Jesus ticket.”
Sarah Smalls, Homemaker

from-the-street-11“Did these morons not read Facebook’s Terms of Service? They should. There’s a killer recipe for Duck L’Orange on page 1,276.”
Alice B. Tokeless, Food Blogger

from-the-street-8“Back in my day, we made sure everything stayed private with a combination of duct tape, keeping our mouths shut, and burying the bodies under cover of darkness.”
Gus “The Night Shiv” Garlands, Retired Consigliere

Nashville OKs Weed; Don’t Worry Guys, Murfreesboro Still Going to Heaven

MURFREESBORO, TN – Nashville’s Metro Council made history last month when it passed legislation to allow civil penalties for possession of small amounts of marijuana.

The bill, which was intended to provide relief to low-income and minority residents, allows police the option to reduce the penalty for a small amount of the sticky icky to a $50 fine and community service, an option that police will tragically, ironically, and inevitably use to further discriminate against low-income and minority residents.

In Murfreesboro, citizens are concerned that the growing influence of wacky tobacky may compromise the wholesome family values of Rutherford County, which are promoted fairly heavily in Rutherford County, even if it requires sweeping rampant drug use and low-income neighborhoods under the rug of society.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what Murfreesboro residents think about the Nashville Metro Council selling its soul to the devil for some of that sweet sweet cheeba.

From the Street: What do you think about the Nashville Metro Council passing a bill to allow decriminalization of marijuana possession?

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“This will just make it easier to have two justice systems, one for real criminals, and one for those of us that like to puff on a little binger of jazz salad and get higher than a bat’s ass.”
Corey Janke, Marijuana Enthusiast.


“If I’d known that potential tax revenue effectively eliminates personal sins, I’d have started working at Enchanted Planet years ago.”
Jasmine Wakefield, Sales Associate at Enchanted Planet.


“I just hope none of those hippies decide to come down to Rutherford County with their Strawberry Diesel, Blue Dream, or Afghan Kush. Using nouns as adjectives is for wimps and commies.”
Winston Cutcliffe, Farmer.

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“Awesome. It lets the police officer act on his own discretion. No one is better at ignoring instinct than a police officer.”
James Tarver, Unlikely to be given Civil Penalty.

Community Shocked to Learn That It’s 2016 and Hastings is Still Open

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Friday, Hastings Entertainment announced that it will close all its stores, including the Murfreesboro Hastings located on Memorial Boulevard, and liquidate assets.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to find out how the community responded to this announcement. Unfortunately, the majority of people we met were genuinely surprised to learn that Hastings is still in business. We did, however, find a few Hastings enthusiasts.

From the Street: Do you have any thoughts on Hastings closing all its stores?

“You mean the place by that empty building that used to be a Long John Silver’s? Right next to the check cashing place that used to be a gas station? That side of town is on fire.”
Janet Skaggs, Interior Designer.

“I’ve been using that parking lot to sell weed for the past few years. Hate to see it go.”
Justin Thatcher, Entrepreneur.

“Part of my childhood was in that store. It’s the first place I rented a movie, the first place I felt a girl up, and the first place I publicly insulted a Jewish man. Some great memories there.”
Darren Trembley, Musician.

“We’re going to be fine. All we’ve got to do now is come up with an internet company to sell new and used books at a discount and hope that no one has beat us to it.”
Jake Sinclair, Hastings Store Manager.

Satire Newspaper Reaches 500 Facebook Likes, Community Fails to Notice

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Tuesday, the Murfreesboro Tribune, hailed as the beacon of truth and freedom in Rutherford County, Tennessee, reached 500 Likes on Facebook.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to find out how the community responded to this monumental milestone.

What do you think about the Murfreesboro Tribune reaching 500 Likes on Facebook?

Veteran

“The Murfreesboro what?”
Kris Hooper, Army Veteran.

 

Retired Teacher

“Is that the site with all the cat pictures? The guy who writes it seems so sad and alone.”
Elle Budreaux, Retired Teacher.

 

Hipster 2

“That site is dope, but it’s a little too popular now. I was in before it got big”
Atticus Jones, Hipster Douchebag.

 

Clemens“What incredible news! This is the best news source in Murfreesboro!”
Sam Clemens, Writer.