Tag: Business

Jason’s Deli Salad Bar Lady in the Way Again

MURFREESBORO, TN – Customers at Jason’s Deli in Murfreesboro remained frustrated on Monday as the Salad Bar Lady personally interfered with nearly every customer in the restaurant during the tumultuous lunch hour rush.

The Salad Bar Lady, also known as Amy Post, is a forty-seven year old hater of people, engineered to frustrate even the most simple lunch tasks. As a former teller at the Department of Motor Vehicles, she is trained to turn an attainable task into a logistical clusterfuck.

The Salad Bar Lady answers to no one. Fueled only by a desire to wage war against practicality, she spends her days dutifully filling only the salad bar bins that need the least attention. There is a line of thirty-six people for garbanzo beans. The Salad Bar Lady cares not.

The Salad Bar Lady stands behind no one. She follows you, step by step, until you reach for a pair of tongs, at which time she launches into action, “excuse me” be damned. On her apron, you may find handwritten notes containing your home address and list of personal fears.

Jason’s Deli Manager Jake Trainer declined to comment on the extensive lines at his salad bar, but he did note that the volume in the restaurant has increased significantly since he hired the Salad Bar Lady, due to the fact that it takes thirteen hours to finish a salad bar meal in his restaurant.

Local Bar Launches GoFundMe, Asks for Free Money

MURFREESBORO, TN – Ron and Hermione Piper opened the White Owl, a Harry Potter themed brewpub, in March, which fulfilled a lifelong dream of owning a wizarding pub. Now, the Pipers want to grow the business.

The Pipers considered traditional sources of capital, such as private investors, bank loans, and credit cards. In the end, the couple chose to launch a GoFundMe campaign, asking the public to hand over hard-earned money, which may otherwise pay for basic life necessities, as donations to a for-profit business.

“We thought about a bank loan or credit cards,” said Ron Piper, “but why would we pay interest on a loan when we can just ask our customers to give us money for free without giving them anything in return?”

“He’s right,” said Hermione Piper. “Business loans and credit cards would make us actually invest in this place. We thought it would be much easier if the public just gave us free money to cover our expenses, which will help us earn profit.”

“The community needs us,” Ron said emphatically. “Our concept of a place that sells food and alcohol is so unique that the community should give us free money to expand. Have you ever seen someone build a for-profit business by borrowing money or using their own money? Sounds impossible to me.”

The GoFundMe list of common types of campaigns includes: “Most people use GoFundMe to raise money for themselves, a friend or loved one during life’s important moments. This includes things like medical expenses, education costs, volunteer programs, youth sports, funerals & memorials – even animals & pets.”

“I think the mission of GoFundMe has been distorted,” said Hermione. “All these GoFundMe campaigns about sick kids and mission trips have it wrong. The purpose of GoFundMe is, and has always been, small business lending.”

“Those unplanned medical emergencies and dying people should have planned better,” echoed Ron. “What are they adding to the community that our bar isn’t? I think donated money goes to better use at our bar, where we are a for-profit venture looking to make money.”

It is unclear whether the Pipers will offer incentives to customers who donate to the GoFundMe Campaign, but Ron sounded skeptical of giving anything worth a damn in return for people giving him part of their paycheck to help him run a business entity.

“Oh God no,” he remarked. “We are running a business. We need that money. If you want a handout, go to church.”

“But with this place open, you are free to purchase an eight dollar beer at any time,” added Ron, glancing wistfully to the sky. “This city is so lucky to have us here.”

You can learn more about the White Owl at www.ThatShamelessBar.com or www.WhatABadIdea.com.

Citizens Demand District Representation for Whore Houses

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Election Commission will consider a petition to change the current location of whore houses throughout Murfreesboro, at the request of local entrepreneur Luther “Sweet Lou” Shirley.

The recent request to change the structure of a seven-member all at-large elected Murfreesboro City Council inspired Sweet Lou, who describes himself as a “talent manager,” to seek equal distribution of whore houses throughout the city.

According to Sweet Lou, it’s impossible for whores who all live on one side of Murfreesboro to serve the entire city. He seemed disinterested in the fact that the current whore houses have led to tremendous growth and success in the city.

“There are over 100,000 people who live in this town spread out over fifty square miles,” said Sweet Lou, “and they should all have access to my women.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team found that the seven whore houses that currently serve Murfreesboro are all located within two miles of each other in North Murfreesboro.

Sweet Lou is worried that automotive technology may not provide a way for hookers to travel quickly from one side of town to the other. He is also concerned that hookers may struggle to find some form of modern telecommunication to interact with potential customers in different parts of the city.

“How people gonna get to my hoes?” asked Sweet Lou. “You got seven houses on the same block running women and I’m up here across town wondering where my ladies at. I don’t care that the current setup works. ‘Dem hoes need to live here.”

The seven whore houses currently serving the City of Murfreesboro include:

Longford Lounge
Owner: Sugar Shane McHarland
2911 Longford Drive

The Hideaway Off Jones
Owner: Big Rob Washington
1107 Trinity Drive

Prestige Worldwide
Owner: Ol’ Don Young
1746 Somerset Drive

Boats ‘N Hoes
Owner: Fast Eddie Silverman
707 Woodmont Drive

Ladies’ Choice
Owner: Straddlin’ Madeline Hales
511 Archer Avenue

Buckingham Palace
Owner: Tricky Dick LaChance
1414 Buckingham Drive

All Good at Glenwood
Owner: Diamond Bill Hackett
1006 Glenwood Drive