MURFREESBORO, TN – Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam declared a state of emergency on Tuesday morning after a Halloween Candy pipeline burst overnight in rural Kentucky, causing a potential Halloween Candy Shortage in Middle Tennessee.
“This is a precautionary measure as we are not currently seeing any widespread unavailability of candy corn or gummy worms in Tennessee,” Haslam said in a press release, which he foolishly thought would calm the masses of fat people yearning for a sugar high.
The Adult Onset Diabetes Pipeline, which flows from rural Kentucky into Middle Tennessee, carries approximately fourteen million pounds of Halloween Candy into Tennessee each fall. Tennesseans apparently just can’t get enough fatness, as they consistently eat whatever is pumped out of that pipeline.
In a press conference Tuesday morning, Governor Haslam remained adamant that a Halloween Candy Shortage is unlikely.
“It is important for the community to know that there is plenty of Halloween Candy,” said Governor Haslam. “The only way we could have a shortage of Halloween Candy is if everyone rushes out to buy candy at the same time, so please don’t do that.”
The community responded to this plea for civility as expected, rushing to every grocery store, gas station, and fat kid’s hollowed out bed post to find every morsel of candy available.
Despite Halloween Candy being available at nearly every store in Middle Tennessee, residents took to social media to voice panic and complaints.
As capitalists, the Tribune has set up the Tribune Candy Shop, which sells candy out of the back of the Mobile News Center, a windowless van that we bought off Craigslist.
The Tribune Candy Shop will have Reese’s Cups, Kit Kats, and Milk Duds for sale. You can keep that home-packed-in-a-white-bag shit to yourself.