MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro resident Dave Shelton engaged in a recent conversation on the dating app Hinge that alerted the 33 year-old to a host of puzzling medical conditions that he had no idea existed, most notably his match’s apparent allergy towards asking any form of question whatsoever.
Hinge is a dating app designed by Facebook that matches potential couples based off of mutual friends, who serve as the “Hinge” that anonymously allows the desperate, perennially-single suitors to cram an attempt at finding perfect marital bliss into anywhere from a one to thirty-six hour time frame.
“I started a conversation with Salome, this beautiful woman in Nashville, and I thought we’d hit it off,” said Shelton. “She’s a blogger, I’m an unemployed freelance writer, and we’re both holding beers in our main profile picture. I got really excited.”
Dave and Salome messaged back and forth a few times, but things didn’t seem to click between the two, which obviously makes no sense because Dave is a mildly handsome normcore myopic without gainful employment living in Murfreesboro.
“We matched, I sent her a message, she waited 24 hours to respond, I waited 48 hours to respond, she hit me back up, I caught her 5 seconds later, and it was on,” said Shelton.
Or so he thought.
Shelton consistently asked Salome a series of engaging questions curated from a list he found on Google, each of which she responded to in a strange manner he had never before encountered–asking her questions resulted in 1/2 to 1/4 of an actual answer.
“As an opener, I asked her what had been the best part of her week,” said Shelton. “She replied ‘Tacos lol’. On top of that, she could not end one sentence without a ‘haha or lol’ in place of any form of proper punctuation. She even mentioned that her grandmother had ‘Died recently lolz.'”
Things came to a head when Dave asked her how she liked living in Nashville, to which she replied by asking him how he liked living in Nashville, the only question Salome asked him the entire time.
“Now that I think about it, I think she was allergic to asking questions,” Shelton observed. “It couldn’t have been that she finally realized that I live in Murfreesboro, could it? It’s right there on my profile. I know EpiPens are expensive, but shit.”
At press time, a quick perusal of Salome’s profile on the Hinge app yielded one last paradox: a picture of an arm tattoo spelling out “Wanderlust” above a strict disclaimer for men on the app not to contact her under any circumstances if they do not live in Nashville city limits.
Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at firstname.lastname@example.org.