The Murfreesboro Tribune

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War on Gummies Ends, Parents Fear Return of Dangerous CBD Gummies

February 28, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke Wednesday that the Rutherford County District Attorney is dismissing all charges in Operation Candy Crush, a reckless and dangerous decision that will propel thousands of CBD products, including CBD gummies, back to the streets of Murfreesboro and into the waiting hands of our sweet innocent children.

“The Tennessee Bureau of Investigations is no longer willing to testify that the CBD gummies are a Schedule VI substance,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “You know, because they never really were illegal drugs in the first place. So we have no choice but to dismiss these charges.”

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we take violent and dangerous drug offenses very seriously and we share the concern expressed by tens of people that these CBD oils are being returned to the streets, where they may be harmlessly ingested by children.

Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to discover what you think about these hard drugs being recklessly returned to the junkies and addicts in Murfreesboro.

From the Street: Are you concerned that dangerous candies, pretty much as dangerous as heroin and crack cocaine, are being returned to the slums of Murfreesboro?

I am shocked and appalled. Think of the children! I don’t care that these products are already legal and that the medical community agrees to certain benefits. We need to get this dope under control.
Karen Duchenne, Housewife

I don’t understand. How the hell could our conservative elected officials be wrong on drug policy? I was promised that if we just make everything illegal then all these brown people will get their shit together and drugs will go away. Fox News can’t be wrong! 
Dick Hurts, Mortgage Banker

This world is going to hell and this generation will ruin everything. I’m tired of it. Hell, let’s just let these drugs kill some kids. Then they’ll get the lesson. 
Abe Jenkins, Retired Mechanic

I’ve been using heroin for years and I’m pretty excited that an even harder drug is now available. At least, that’s what my Republican friends told me. This stuff is like “let’s jump off a roof” kinda high, right? I’m in.
Elijah Brewster, Unemployed 

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Psych! Sheriff Hosts Punk’d Episode with Local Business Owners

February 27, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office revealed Tuesday morning that Operation Candy Crush, which includes the comically ill-fated misadventures of a local sheriff and district attorney who fail to understand basic hemp processing, is actually part of the pilot of a local hidden camera prank show similar to MTV’s Punk’d.

The announcement came the day after media outlets reported that charges may be dismissed against store owners in the ongoing War on Gummies.

“We can’t wait to release this footage,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “When you see how horrifically ham-handed our treatment of relatively innocuous CBD candies looks on tape, you’ll agree that this shit is hilarious.”

“We promise this has been the plan all along, so let’s just cut out all this lawsuit talk,” he added, trailing off nervously.

Sheriff Putzhugh announced that Operation Candy Crush will span the first two episodes of the new hidden camera series, aptly titled This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement.

“I’m just glad to be part of the production,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “Honestly, I’ve thought that these guys are hilarious for years. They’re like that little train that keeps on chugging up the mountain. One day, the little train just loses steam and plunges back downhill, erupting into a flame of high crimes and misdemeanors.”

According to the production team, future episodes of This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement will include such family-friendly hijinks as police brutality, falsification of immigration documents, and public corruption.

“It’s gonna be hilarious,” added Sheriff Putzhugh. “We cannot emphasize enough that our officers are not actually this incompetent. This is all done for the sake of comedy.”

At the time this article is published, Sheriff Putzhugh sat in his office working desperately to convince himself that he is telling at least partial truths.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Police Crack Down on CBD Oil, to Worry About Opioids Later

February 12, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what is being hailed as the largest drug crackdown on the District Attorney’s chalkboard to-do list, authorities padlocked twenty-three stores in Rutherford County on Monday accused of selling products containing Cannabidiol, also known as CBD, a canniboid oil that is moderately more mind-altering than your typical over-the-counter pain medicine.

Just last month, Governor Haslam unveiled a $30 Million plan to combat the opioid crisis in Tennessee, but Rutherford County law enforcement authorities were smart enough to realize that Tennessee already has its opioid epidemic completely under control, choosing instead to focus its efforts on preventing the spread of low-THC candies.

“This is a landmark day for law enforcement,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “We are here to send a message that, despite the fact that opioids are ravaging our communities, our priority is to prevent the spread of a little-known and rarely-used hemp oil that is pretty damn legal in a pretty damn good number of places.”

“He’s right,” echoed District Attorney Abraham Lincoln, conspicuously missing his signature top hat. “The courts are here to ensure that those targeted by law enforcement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and the law is here to ensure that those targeted will be those selling an oil that most people had to f***ing Google to even know what it is.”

Lincoln’s statement is supported by a recent Murfreesboro Tribune survey, which revealed that zero percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers could properly articulate what CBD even stood for without polling the audience of phoning a friend, despite one hundred percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers having a personal connection to the opioid crisis.

Law enforcement officials emphasized that the seized CBD products will be taken off the street for good.

“It’s negligible whether these oils even get you high,” said Sheriff Putzhugh, popping a CBD candy into his mouth. “But they’re damn delicious, and we are going to make sure that these gummies will be stored into evidence and served at the Annual Office Christmas Party.”

In the time it took to write this article, another Tennessee citizen likely died from an opioid overdose. But, sure, let’s get out there and stop those CBD gummies from destroying our communities.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Reports of Ice Plunge Local Grocery Store Into Anarchy, Tribal Warfare

January 12, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Weather reports predicting ice and potential snowfall have catapulted Murfreesboro and Middle Tennessee into senseless violence and anarchy as citizens fight to the death for bread, milk, and kettle chips.

Temperatures fell significantly on Friday and the threat of ice storms blanketed the city, as precipitation mixed with low temperatures to create a Southern driver’s worst nightmare: anything but a sunny country road with some George Jones on the radio.

The Murfreesboro Police Department received at least six reports of violence at the Publix on South Rutherford Boulevard. The first call was received at approximately 11:00 a.m., shortly after word spread throughout the store that ice may be present in the parking lot outside. The store quickly descended into violence, as if everyone had huffed on the same can of spray paint and lost their damn mind.

“At first, I didn’t notice anything suspicious,” said one witness to the initial altercation. “But then someone mentioned that there may be ice on the roads, and things just went shit backwards.”

At the time this article is written, the Publix on South Rutherford has descended into tribal warfare. We encourage our readers to steer clear of that location. The produce department stands at war with the bakery, with respective chiefs dueling for rights to the east side of the grocery store. Another battle rages on between the salad dressing aisle and baking aisle.

This story is developing.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

School Board: “It’s Sixty Degrees. Let’s Close Some Schools.”

January 11, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Taking a fresh puff of his finest herb and cracking a beer straight out of his cooler on an unusally warm winter day, Rutherford County Schools Director Jack Frost boldly declared that county schools will close Friday in anticipation of a savage ice storm. 

“I think we can all agree that the weather tomorrow is threatening,” Frost said, wiping sweat from his brow. “It’s hot as tits out here right now, but just wait.”

Frost eventually stripped layers to compensate for the heat, emphasizing that it’s sure gonna get cold here in a few hours. 

The School Board supported Director Frost, emphasizing that a heat wave is typically the right time to predict ice and close schools. 

“We aren’t in school in July,” said Board Member Rudolph Deere. “But if we were, we would be closing every other day. Sometimes it’s just so hot that you know an ice storm is coming.”

The announcement came as a surprise to the suburban oasis of Murfreesboro, as residents calmly basked in the sixty-seven degree temperature. 

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team would have iinvestigated, but the team refused to leave the neighborhood block party and cookout, which is usually held in July, but which fit the weather pretty nice.

“We just hope that the community has the same foresight as us,” Director Frost added, coughing out some smoke. “You have to act early. Read the internet, damnit. And act!”

Alabama Fans Celebrate, Expect 7,000 New Births, At Least Four Forks in Family Trees

January 9, 2018 /

WHITE TRASH, USA – The Alabama Crimson Tide won another National Championship on Monday night, defeating the University of Georgia in dramatic fashion. Trailer parks are rocking throughout America as Alabama fans celebrate another year of vicarious greatness in a destined-to-be-outlawed athletic competition.

The Alabama Department of Safety, working out of its satellite office in the Chester’s Fried Chicken facilities on Cahaba Road in Birmingham, announced that it is expecting a baby boom in the coming months, which will result from joyful championship celebration.

“We expect a significant increase in children born in approximately seven to nine months,” said Alabama Department of Safety Spokesman Joseph Durtt. “Early estimates place the boom at seven thousand new births, with sixty percent of those to be named either Nick, Saban, or Bear.”

In an equally significant estimate, Durtt announced that the family trees throughout the State of Alabama are expected to fork at least four times, the largest expansion in statewide genetic diversity in decades.

“We are thrilled,” added Durtt. “We haven’t seen this kind of celebration and excitement since they made a movie out of To Kill a Mockingbird so we could all finally understand it through them moving pictures.”

“Don’t worry,” Durtt added with a wink. “The trees are forking a couple of times, but there will still be plenty of white folks around to run things.”

Economists predict an eventual stock surge and economic windfall for Mountain Dew, used car parts vendors, anything denim, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Row Tide, y’all. Row Tide.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Parents Pretty Damn Excited About School Starting Back

January 8, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018. More importantly, it’s the day that schools return from Christmas Break and you can finally drop your shitbag kids back off to a criminally underpaid childcare provider.

Sure, the first few days of Christmas Break were wonderful. You slept in together, made waffles, and watched Christmas movies, all in anticipation of the impending holiday season, filled with laughter, cheer, and thankfulness.

But then January happened. And it’s been eight damn days of cold, rain, and horrible stories from your kids. Yes, Jared. I heard about what all the other kids have on their backpacks and no we can’t go buy that shit just because Bryson has it on his backpack too.

For a week now, your work schedule has been crippled by having to find some poor soul to watch these hoodlums for several hours a day. No more!

It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018, and you are free. Drop those kids off, get to your desk, and pour yourself a cup of coffee in peace.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Report: Short-Term Rentals Responsible for 60% of Crime, Sexual Assault

January 5, 2018 /

NASHVILLE, TN – A shocking report released by the Nashville City Council on Friday revealed that short-term rentals, once a relatively unnoticed economic boon to Nashville and surrounding cities, have been found to be responsible for at least sixty percent of violent crime and sexual assault.

“We find the results of this report deeply disturbing,” said Nashville City Councilman Brian Chesky. “It is clear that short-term rentals have become a menace to this city, and we must take whatever measures possible to stop them.”

The Report revealed that short-term rental properties are relatively harmless when occupied, as the occupants in the buildings force the buildings to behave, much like when your mother walked into your room when you were on your computer— close that whack-ass porn and look up your homework!

The troubling details of the Report arose when the short-term rental properties become unoccupied. At that time, the hidden powers within the buildings awake and allow the buildings to come to life, wreaking havoc on local neighborhoods.

“We found that short-term rental properties, when left alone, often resort to violence, crime, and rampant drug use,” said Dr. Baker N. Blumfeld, who published the Report. “Often times, upon vacancy, the properties stand, uproot themselves from their foundation, and roam the streets at large, menacing nearby residents and robbing elderly women at gunpoint.”

In total, the Report found that crimes committed by short-term rental monsters accounted for sixty percent of all crime in Nashville.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to witness the violence that these properties levy upon innocent women and children. After all, this report must be true, right? It can’t just be that some bitchy citizens who claim to be inconvenienced by noise complaints would demand some peace and quiet (while living in the 24th largest city in the country, by the way) at the cost of losing millions of dollars in investment and tourism revenue for the city, right? That can’t be the case. No way.

With the only logical response being that short-term rental properties turn into living, breathing monsters when unoccupied, the Murfreesboro Tribune officially endorses the plan to limit these monsters being allowed in Middle Tennessee and we encourage our readers to do the same.

Think of the children!

Entire Facebook Group Fails to Understand Satire, Basic Literary Devices

December 29, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a flurry of very important online outrage this week, the Urban Occupants, a relatively powerful player in the world of Facebook-groups-that-just-bitch-about-things, proved once again that, when it comes to the internet, idiots win the day.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team recently released a report issued by a crack squad of neuroscientists, physicists, doctors, lawyers, and Captain Jean-Luc Picard, which discovered the following: the Urban Occupants Facebook group is filled with individuals who just don’t f***ing understand satire.

Here is a helpful guide, from the Murfreesboro Tribune FAQ Page:

According to the website Literary Devices, “satire is a technique employed by writers to expose and criticize foolishness and corruption of an individual or a society by using humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule. It intends to improve humanity by criticizing its follies and foibles.”

Merriam-Webster defines satire as: “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”

Faced with numerous articles that are quite precisely intended to criticize the follies and foibles of humanity, the Urban Occupants have oft reverted to a number of amusing-yet-empty platitudes and attacks, including the following Pulitzer-worthy juggernauts:

“Totally FAKE news!”

Well played with the all caps, kind sir. We hate to be the ones to tell you, but satire isn’t exactly supposed to be real. Maybe that’s why the dictionary definition specifically includes an exaggeration of the truth?

“There’s nothing useful about writing something like this! It’s not funny… This should be illegal!”

We agree. F*** the First Amendment. While we’re at it, f*** America. And f*** democracy. Let’s just let this woman run the internet. Sic Semper Tyrannis!

“It’s not even funny. So you look stupid for writing stuff like this.”

It’s 2017, ma’am. Let’s stop starting sentences with a conjunction. If you’d like, you can take a minute to Google “conjunction.” [Jeopardy Theme Song]. Now that you’re back, we just want you to know that we aren’t going to stop writing stuff like this. And we aren’t stupid.

“QUESTION IS…WHY WOULD SOMEONE CREATE THIS POST IN THE FIRST PLACE????????????”

Please stay where you are. We are sending medical personnel to retrieve you, because you appear to have just fallen and landed on the damn question mark.

“I’ve never read an article from this publication that’s funny.”

Funny, we’ve never seen a profile picture from you that doesn’t look like a bitch. Quirks happen.

We hope this guide has been helpful in understanding satire. If you still don’t get it, just flip on back to Two And A Half Men reruns, which are probably more your speed.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Party Fowl Opens, Hires Witch Doctor to Break Coach’s Grill Curse

December 27, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Party Fowl, a Nashville-based hot chicken restaurant, opened this week in Downtown Murfreesboro, taking over a vacant commercial building that has previously held several failed ventures, including Los Guachitos Mexical Restaurant, Coach’s Grill, Fairways Golf & Grill, and Brew U.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has learned that the largest barrier to opening the new Party Fowl location had nothing to do with food or permits, but instead surrounded an ancient curse placed on the property by a former tenant, Coach’s Grill.

“When we first looked at the property, we could tell right away that something was wrong,” said Party Fowl Owner Chick Leghorn. “As soon as we set foot inside the building, it just smelled like dirt, mold, and health code violations. But I could also feel something else, a deeper level of pain and soiled light beer.”

Leghorn consulted with Zuku, a local witch doctor, who also works at Starbucks during the day, to better understand the spiritual environment at the new location. To Leghorn’s surprise, Zuku discovered that the property was cursed. After all, Coach’s Grill failed, Fairways Golf & Grill tanked, and not even Bar Rescue could save Brew U.

Zuku ultimately sacrificed six Nashville hot chickens to please the spirits in the building. Leghorn is hoping that the sacrifice paid off.

Leghorn remained adamant that the previous failed businesses had nothing to do with the generally shitty location of the building, near what some have called “the jewel of that meth part of Murfreesboro.”

“The key to this place is convenience,” said Leghorn. “After all, our customers can have some damn good chicken and then walk next door to get a cash advance on their next paycheck, pay their Metro PCS bill, and pick up a handle of their favorite liquor at one of the nineteen liquor stores within walking distance. It’s solid.”

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