Alabama Fan’s Home Defaced with Vegetables, Weight Loss Cookbooks

MURFREESBORO, TN – Vandalism rocked Murfreesboro again on Thursday when vandals struck a local trailer park and draped steamed vegetables on the door handles of a trailer belonging to Billy Kipp, a well known University of Alabama Football fan.

The vandals also spray painted the phone number of a GED completion program on the side of the trailer and littered healthy lifestyle weight loss cookbooks throughout the yard.

The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating the vandalism as a hate crime and have contacted appropriate federal authorities.

“We think it is clear that the vandals know the materials that are morally repugnant to Alabama Football Fans, including health, hygiene, education, and overall likeability,” said Detective Sow Bryant.

“I’m not sure what to think,” said Kipp, between wheezing breaths. “I know the thirteen Alabama Football decals on the side my trailer and the Roll Tide flags hanging on every corner of the house let people know who lives here.”

“Roll Tide,” Kipp added, even though no one said anything to him about anything.

Kipp told The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team that he has heard of vegetables before, but his regular diet of Velveeta cheese, sweet tea, pork rinds, and Sun Drop doesn’t make room for them.

The University of Alabama Alumni Association issued a statement denouncing the vandalism as inconsistent with the fabric of Alabama Football Fans:

The University of Alabama is deeply troubled and saddened by the vandalism against the homes of our fans. This is a deliberate act of hate. We truly appreciate the immediate show of support and solidarity from our fellow fans, who undoubtedly also have obnoxious shit all over their yard and vehicles. However, we are still saddened that this happened in the first place.

A vigil is planned on Friday evening in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Roebuck Avenue. More details are forthcoming.


  1. If only Alabama fans could be champions of life,instead of football. But hey at least the Vol fans responsible have their prison orange already and will most likely meet some former players in jail.

  2. An open letter to the editor: [Feel free to copy / edit / send this to your own local paper.]

    I am writing this under the 1st Amendment Freedom of #Speech article of the #Constitution of The United States of #America (including the Commonwealth of Virginia.)

    This is to *publicly* advise the communities of #Rutherford, #Davidson and *especially* #Bedford Counties (comprising Murfreesboro, Nashville, Shelbyville, et al.) that I’ve been secretly working in partnership with a squadron of networked, volunteer pilots of small, fixed wing aircraft (single and multi-engine airplanes) along with a few helicopter pilots, to randomly spray, dump and otherwise aerially disseminate a mixture of pigs’ blood and pork grease over the entire central core of Middle Tennessee, *especially* over our homes, streets, schools, apartment buildings, religious buildings of *every* denomination, government structures, public parks, and shopping malls, just to name a few targets.

    Please be advised that this project was carried out PRIOR to Friday, May 26, 2017, so that any and all “religious” (or other) acts of violence in the area, designed to provide certain, sadly misguided individuals with a shortcut to paradise, have all been in vain, and that Middle Tennessee is now ritually “unclean” (according to a specific, false, widespread religious ideology) and will *continue* to BE “unclean,” now and in the foreseeable future.

    Also be advised that all the pilots who’ve been assisting in this effort have been sworn to secrecy and will vehemently deny any and all knowledge of this project. Just remember, the next time you hear or look up and see a small engine plane or helicopter flying overhead, they’re doing their part to help keep your community safe from #jihad. Note to car owners of freshly washed vehicles: Apologies, but that might not just be bug or bird smear on your windshield.

    Aloha Snackbar! 🙂

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