MPD Breaks Up Children’s Crime Syndicate

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Sunday, the Murfreesboro Police Department arrested at least six children, the alleged kingpins in a heroin smuggling ring in local schools, in pre-dawn raids throughout central Murfreesboro. The raids are the latest event in an ongoing crackdown on child criminals in Murfreesboro.

Earlier this month, police arrested at least five students, ages six to ten, at Hobgood Elementary School. Despite criticism, the MPD stood by its conduct, calling the arrests “a learning experience” and citing the inevitable boost for local mental health professionals, as each arrested child would likely to need extensive counseling and therapy for the rest of their life.

Last week, the MPD received an anonymous tip that an organization of eight year old children, known as The League of Make-Believe, were trafficking heroin and other hard drugs into Rutherford County Elementary Schools. The smuggling ring’s method of operation involved packaging drugs in Lunchables, Nerf ammunition, and other contraband.

Police acted swiftly with the information, setting up home raids to key figures in the childhood cartel, despite the fact that several of the alleged key players were not even old enough to legally ride a number of amusement park attractions.

“It’s becoming increasingly clear that the children in this community are criminal masterminds,” said MPD Detective Fred Rogers. “When we have information that one of these children has done something wrong, the Department believes that it is better to arrest first and ask questions later.”

Officer John Trolley was present for the raids on Sunday. “I took an American Girl Doll from one girl’s hands and stared into her eyes,” said Trolley. “At that moment, I knew these kids were pure evil.”

Eight other children, many of which have not yet been taught their multiplication tables, were arrested Monday morning at their respective schools. Each was allowed to bring a favorite stuffed animal to prison.

MPD Spokesman Jay McFeely confirmed that, given the choice between arresting a young child at home or handcuffing the child at school, the MPD prefers to parade the children to jail in front of teachers and friends.

“We are dealing with hardened criminals,” said McFeely. “These arrests should be public and should serve as an example to others.”

Anyone with information about other kids that the police can arrest and publicly shame is encouraged to contact the Murfreesboro Police Department at (615) 555-8900.

8 Comments

  1. This is fake, but thanks for spreading a load of bullshit.

    • Of course it’s fake, it’s satire. If anyone reads this and thinks it’s real, they need classes in critical thinking.

  2. Pathetic.

  3. Why would this be circulated

  4. sounds like a libel case just waiting to happen… Rutherford County Schools vs. Murfreesboro Tribune

    good luck, use fake organizations next time

  5. I think this is quite hilarious. The funniest part is where all “concerned” murfreesboro natives begin freaking out over all of these posts. Ha!

  6. Too funny, i love these fake stories!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*