Noting the paradoxical nature of his actions, Murfreesboro resident Shelby Critchelow, 27, reported Friday that he’d taken the most thorough shower of his life despite already running thirty minutes late to a first date at Bar Louie.
“My showers naturally follow the Rule of Four, so I don’t know what came over me,” Said Critchelow, referring the commonly understood mathematical principle that no matter how long it takes a man to shower, the actual amount of linear time ends up being about four minutes.
On this particular trip into the shower, Critchelow found himself methodically going over every surface of his body in an obsessively detailed manner. “I used soap on parts of my back and legs that haven’t been scrubbed in well over a decade,” he added. “Out of nowhere, a washcloth even showed up, so I tried it out.”
This point is notable, as it shows the bachelor going against years of his own practice of never actually using a washcloth when provided with one; instead opting to run it under the sink after lathering it up with a bar of soap in an effort to make people think he was a normal human being and not a deranged savage who prefers using a raw bar of soap to more hygienic bathing practices.
Speculating as to the reasons behind the aberration, Critchelow could not point to a single factor, although theories include the possible use of a new bar of soap, a long overdue changing of his razor cartridge, and the fact that “#selfie” by the Chainsmokers had just started as he stepped into his shower.
At press time, Critchelow had gotten to Bar Louie an hour late, which didn’t seem to bother his date, who’d also been tardy due to the fact that she spent forty-seven minutes sitting on her bed in a bath robe staring at a blank wall before deciding to get ready.
Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at firstname.lastname@example.org.