MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a Report released by the Middle Tennessee State Department of Watching People Lie to Themselves, over eighty percent of New Year Resolutions have already erupted into violent flame, leaving behind a trail of unused gym memberships, dust-covered Bow Flex Machines, and half-eaten peanut butter cartons.

“It’s about that time of year where we start to see people lose some serious progress,” said Dr. Michael Weir, acting as if the goals that have already been abandoned weren’t set less than forty-eight hours before his interview.

Dr. Weir’s research project, which produced the Let’s See How Unreasonable People Can Be Report, identified at least three types of New Year Resolutions that have fallen the quickest in 2017: eat better; exercise; and stop smoking.

To determine how many people have already abandoned ship on these unrealistic goals, the LSHUPCB Research Team utilized sophisticated research methods, which included: approaching strangers outside of bars, following people around the local gym, and yelling at people in the ice cream aisle at Kroger.

“The idea for the project came to me when I found a young woman outside of a local gym, crying uncontrollably and chain smoking a pack of Pall Malls,” said Dr. Weir.

After the woman got up and ran to her car, Dr. Weir found a crumpled up piece of paper next to where she had been sitting that read:

AMY’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

  1. Go to the gym every day— EASY!
  2. Stop eating all fast food— it’s not good for you!
  3. Stop smoking— it’s New Year’s and you got this!

Dr. Weir found her in the parking lot at 10:00 a.m. on New Year’s Day, merely hours into a yearlong quest for health that only had a chance of success because of the selection of an arbitrary and inspirational start date.

“She never actually went into the gym,” noted Dr. Weirs. “Instead, she walked into a nearby Captain D’s.”

The LSHUPCB Report is available for pickup at nearby gyms and crossfit facilities, to ensure that no one who has already abandoned their resolutions would ever see a copy and get their feelings hurt.