PRISONVILLE, KY – A federal judge ruled Monday that embattled Rutherford County Sheriff Bob Darnold will be suspended from his position without pay, effective immediately, which paves the way for Darnold to focus on his newly-acquired prison career: shank whittling.
Darnold has been incarcerated in federal prison in Kentucky for several weeks now, during which time the taxpayers in Tennessee have continued to pay his salary.
While being paid full salary, Darnold lived the life of an inmate, spending time in the rec yard, rolling cigarettes with the homies, and, most importantly, whittling fashionable-but-affordable prison shanks.
Now that a federal judge has removed Darnold from any job responsibilities related to law enforcement, which he hadn’t really been doing anyways, Darnold can focus solely on his budding shank empire. According to insider sources and current friends in prison, the average prison shank sells for two cartons of cigarettes or six days of hired protection.
“It’s a great day for the taxpayers of Tennessee,” said some nameless attorney who represented some nosy taxpayers. “We can now move forward in this case with peace of mind that Sheriff Darnold is handling only prison sales.”
“Let me clarify,” said attorney-lady, quickly recognizing that her words may be confusing. “He can focus on prison sales of shanks, not e-cigarettes.”
Sheriff Darnold seemed relieved at the ruling, as if suddenly liberated from the mindless tasks of operating one of the largest employers in Rutherford County and instantly allowed to devote his full attention to his passion for stabby jail things.
The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team was unable to reach Sheriff Darnold for comment. He was last spotted filling out Mad Libs in his jail cell.