MURFREESBORO, TN – Renowned satirist, philanthropist, and philanderer Sam Clemens has a bold proposition for his followers and financial backers: a 39% increase in cocaine acquisition.
“When I set my annual budget this month, I started thinking about what I need in the coming year,” said Clemens, whose fiscal year begins June 7 each year because it’s a fake fiscal year for a fake newspaper. “The answer was pretty easy: more blow.”
Clemens made the announcement from his personal library, seated in front of a mound of cocaine that would make Scarface blush.
“Listen, I get that I could use the cocaine I already have,” Clemens added, frequently sniffling for no apparent reason. “But that’s not as fun. I’d rather blindly ask for 39% more and y’all can trust me– I’ll use it well.”
Clemens excused himself to tend to a nose bleed, during which the Tribune obtained a personal note from him, which read:
WHY I NEED 39% MORE
Think of the Children
So Builders Won’t Have to Pay It
Upon Clemens return, he snatched the note away, coolly confirming that the 39% increase is all but a done deal.
“It’s the next big step,” Clemens quipped. “This place is booming!”
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