MURFREESBORO, TN – For eighty-seven years, the Hammond General Store has served Murfreesboro, Tennessee. Now, the store will provide customers with a first-of-its-kind experience: a Genital Checker, who will ensure that customers use only the proper bathroom at the store.
The new position comes on the heels of a national discussion on restroom use. Several prominent businesses, including Target, have faced significant backlash after allowing customers to use whichever bathroom they identify with.
“I think we all know that, prior to this year, every single person in the world only used the bathroom for whatever they were born with,” said store owner Jimmy Hammond. “But now that people are talking about it, we need some rules that are going to stop this disgusting thing that none of us really knew about in the first place.”
Critics of rules about restroom use have said that such rules will be difficult, if not impossible, to enforce. However, the Hammonds are not concerned about such difficulties.
“I know a man when I see one,” said Hammond. “And if I can’t tell, then we came up with a pretty easy way to find out. We can just have a look at your naughty bits.”
According to Hammond, the Genital Checker will be a Hammond Store employee designated to personally inspect the fun parts of any customer attempting to use the restroom on store premises.
Prior to entering the restroom, customers must step into a screening area, drop their pants, and allow the Genital Checker to inspect their dog and pony show.
“Honestly, this is about the only way we could think of to enforce the bathroom rules,” said Hammond. “Our employees need to get into your pants to make this work. Plain and simple.”
The Hammonds want to be sensitive to all customers, so they provide an outhouse for the oversensitive people who would prefer to keep their privates private.
“We’re a family business, after all,” said Hammond. “We’re just trying to let people use the bathroom how the good Lord intended.”