MURFREESBORO, TN – In one of the most startling stories in local politics since teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was not asked to the Murfreesboro Sadie Hawkins Dance, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered disturbing details surrounding the local bid to land Amazon’s highly-coveted “HQ2.”
“I can confirm that the city made a very competitive offer for Amazon,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland when reached for comment in his home driveway.
“I’m going to refrain from giving details at this time,” he added, as if we can’t go through his trash or personal papers.
Through an expanded investigation, which included Mayor McHarland’s trash can and the back seat of Eddie Silverman’s Dodge Stratus, the only poor bastard who left his car open, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team learned more about the city’s failed Amazon bid.
The Murfreesboro Amazon HQ 2 Bid included:
- Tax Incentives totaling enough to buy all of the Demos’ restaurants and possibly Peter Demos himself.
- One kidney from an unidentified donor, which could be redeemed by any member of the Amazon Board of Directors.
- Mayor McHarland’s personal collection of Jim Varney movies, including the extremely rare “Ernest In Da Hood.”
- At least one virgin, and possibly as many as four virgins, to be sacrificed at a time and place selected by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.
Notes from Silverman’s truck indicated that Silverman once read about virgin sacrifices in a TV Guide and, since TV Guide dictates much of Silverman’s policy positions, he proposed the inclusion in the final bid.
Other notes from Silverman expressed frustration that Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin failed to contribute to the virgin search, saying instead that he didn’t know any women who were virgins after their meeting. “I close deals,” Martin reportedly told Silverman. “It’s what I do.”
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