Category: Sports

MTSU Football Excited for One More Home Game in Empty Stadium

November 27, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders won the Conference USA East Division this past weekend, beating the heavily-favored UAB Blazers and earning the right to host the Conference USA Championship Game at the massive, cavernous, and inevitably-empty Floyd Stadium. And the MTSU players and coaches wouldn’t have it any other way.

“It’s an exciting win for this team,” said MTSU Head Coach Rick Standstill. “And to think that we earned one more home game in front of all of these empty seats. Nothing makes me happier than watching the tens of people in the stands cheering us on. It’s exhilarating.”

MTSU hosted five home games in the regular season this year, averaging sixteen fans per game. Fans in attendance each week were strongly encouraged to sit where they could not be seen by players and coaches, preventing an interruption of the atmosphere of disregard for the program and complete apathy.

“Sometimes it’s hard to get worked up for away games,” said MTSU Quarterback Brent Standstill. “Those schools have fans that yell and cheer, which is so distracting. Home games are so much better. When we know that we get to play at home in front of a completely empty stadium, miles away from anyone who gives a damn about our team, we always play at our best.”

Tickets for the game went on sale Monday.

MTSU Athletic Director Kris Mossimo immediately purchased every ticket for the game and lit them on fire.

“My job is to build what’s best for this program,” said Mossimo. “And, if history shows anything, it shows that our city understands that the most important thing for our football team is keeping that stadium completely empty.”

“And I mean empty,” he added, pointing a finger towards those present. “You stay the hell home.”

“Go Vols,” Mossimo muttered to himself while drowning out the smoldering ashes of a stadium full of tickets.

(Hey you there reading this article. Maybe put down your phone, buy a ticket to the game, and go support your damn hometown team.)

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Fans Prepare for “Be a Vol” Monday: Just Won’t Show Up

September 2, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – University of Tennessee fans throughout Middle Tennessee are gearing up for “Be a Vol” Monday, which allows UT Fans of all shapes and stripes to live a day like a True Tennessee Volunteer. Tomorrow, “Be a Vol” Monday will feature the most prominent performance from this past weekend: like a True Tennessee Volunteer against West Virginia, UT Fans simply won’t show up.

“We decided that the best thing we can do for ‘Be a Vol’ Monday tomorrow is to reenact an authentic Tennessee performance,” said Phil Volman, President of the University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee. “And what better way to reenact the game against West Virginia than to just not show up?”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Sports Report informed Volman that the Volunteers actually did appear at the West Virginia game this past weekend, but Volman refused to agree.

“You kidding me?” Volman added. “Did you watch the same game I watched?”

Tennessee fans who want to take part in “Be a Vol” Monday are encouraged to follow the guidelines below.

“BE A VOL” MONDAY
RULES AND REGULATIONS
SEPTEMBER 3, 2018

1. Don’t Show Up.
This week, to truly be a Vol, don’t show up. Don’t even pretend to show up. We don’t care if you’re getting beat by three scores. Just keep mailing it in. We have to make this authentic guys, so don’t even take the risk of showing up.

2. If You Do Show Up, Don’t Try.
This is critical. If you somehow mistakenly end up on the field, don’t try. Like at all. Let your co-workers run laps around you, don’t try and complete even the most basic job functions, send the message to your supporters that this week doesn’t really matter. I mean, just really put on your “f*** this job” face.

3. Remain Insistent that the University of Tennessee Will Win the National Championship.
Because how can we be Vols fans if we aren’t naming ourselves a “Dark Horse National Championship Contender” every year? Duh.

The University of Tennessee Fan Club of Middle Tennessee reiterated the excitement of returning to action next weekend against East Tennessee State, who didn’t even have a football program five years ago.

“Can’t wait to get back on track to that National Championship,” said Volman. “Go Vols!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Next Era of Head Trauma Patients Begin Medically-Cautioned Quest for High School Popularity

August 20, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Parks & Recreation hosted its first youth football practice last week, welcoming dozens of youngsters eager to shuck off the advice of every medical professional who has ever researched American football and pursue the unlikely chance that athletic excellence may yield high school popularity.

“It’s a great day for football,” said Coach Brick Rocke. “And I mean it. The overcast sky won’t create many issues when these ten year olds get their first concussion.”

“Gotta learn some time!” Rocke added with a hearty laugh and an involuntary eye twitch earned playing college football.

Local preteens spent the day learning football fundamentals, practicing tackling technique, and writing letters to former youth football players who currently reside in the Middle Tennessee Center for Brain Trauma (totally unrelated btw).

“It’s going to be a great season,” said Jack Thompson, whose son, Gunner, plays for the twelve year old Pop Warner team. “Gunner has totally recovered from his second knee replacement and hasn’t had night tremors in a solid three months. All systems go!”

The 2018 Murfreesboro Youth Football League is sponsored by Andrew Haskins, M.D. Dr. Haskins and his team of board-licensed neurosurgeons view the sponsorship as an investment in future brain injury patients.

“We love giving back to youth sports,” said Dr. Haskins. “And these kids are gonna beat their heads in anyways, so we may as well be the first name in mind when they return to consciousness.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Prepares for Annual Tradition of Ignoring MTSU Athletics

August 15, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become a treasured pastime in Rutherford County, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland announced Wednesday that the City of Murfreesboro has started preparations for the 2018 season of fully and comprehensively ignoring MTSU Athletics.

“It’s that time of year again,” said Mayor McHarland to those gathered at a mid-morning press conference, holding back a smile. ” We can gather our loved ones and plan activities as if the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders simply do not exist.”

Mayor McHarland retrieved the Murfreesboro City Charter, kept in the mayor’s personal safe behind a stack of cash and a pile of unidentified white powder. The Charter incorporated the City of Murfreesboro in 1817 and included the mission behind ignoring MTSU Athletics.

Every size of citizen that we can measure
knows that ignoring MTSU is a time that we must treasure.

Murfreesboro City Charter, Paragraph 13

The crowd gathered for the press conference echoed Mayor McHarland and Councilman Shade, frequently yelling horrific obscenities such as “Roll Tide!” “War Eagle!” “Geaux Tigers!” and “Go Vols!” Despite such evidence of public indecency, no arrests have been made at this time.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders will participate in the 2018-2019 NCAA Football Season and NCAA Basketball Season. However, research has also confirmed, based upon the number of obnoxious social media posts made exclusively by fans of the University of Tennessee and the University of Alabama, that this city is once again primed to not give a single shit about Blue Raider Athletics.

“It’s a magical time of year,” said McHarland, in closing. “Cherish this time with your families and, before we know it, this season will pass and we will be ready to cheer on Kentucky Basketball.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at[email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Alabama Fans Celebrate, Expect 7,000 New Births, At Least Four Forks in Family Trees

January 9, 2018 /

WHITE TRASH, USA – The Alabama Crimson Tide won another National Championship on Monday night, defeating the University of Georgia in dramatic fashion. Trailer parks are rocking throughout America as Alabama fans celebrate another year of vicarious greatness in a destined-to-be-outlawed athletic competition.

The Alabama Department of Safety, working out of its satellite office in the Chester’s Fried Chicken facilities on Cahaba Road in Birmingham, announced that it is expecting a baby boom in the coming months, which will result from joyful championship celebration.

“We expect a significant increase in children born in approximately seven to nine months,” said Alabama Department of Safety Spokesman Joseph Durtt. “Early estimates place the boom at seven thousand new births, with sixty percent of those to be named either Nick, Saban, or Bear.”

In an equally significant estimate, Durtt announced that the family trees throughout the State of Alabama are expected to fork at least four times, the largest expansion in statewide genetic diversity in decades.

“We are thrilled,” added Durtt. “We haven’t seen this kind of celebration and excitement since they made a movie out of To Kill a Mockingbird so we could all finally understand it through them moving pictures.”

“Don’t worry,” Durtt added with a wink. “The trees are forking a couple of times, but there will still be plenty of white folks around to run things.”

Economists predict an eventual stock surge and economic windfall for Mountain Dew, used car parts vendors, anything denim, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Row Tide, y’all. Row Tide.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

UT Loses to Vanderbilt, Now Declares Itself “Champions of Yahtzee”

November 28, 2016 /

NASHVILLE, TN – The Vanderbilt Commodores defeated the Tennessee Volunteers on Saturday by a final score of 45-34. However, the most significant news story of the evening involved Head Coach Butch Jones, the Game of Life, and some self-created superlatives.

Last Monday, Tennessee Head Coach Butch Jones started a firestorm when he told the media that, while the Volunteers have massively underperformed this season, his players “won the biggest championship– that’s the championship of life.”

When we talked about winning championships. They’re a champion. They’ve won the biggest championship— and that’s the championship of life.  Butch Jones, November 21, 2016.

In the days that followed, it became immensely clear that, instead of studying game film or practicing or preparing or doing football things or justifying his coaching salary in any way, Coach Jones had the Tennessee Volunteers playing hours upon hours of The Game of Life.

After the loss to Vanderbilt, Jones has made another monumental announcement, possibly putting Tennessee in position to play board games better than any senior center or ladies group in the entire Southeastern United States.

“These kids have fought so hard this season, and I’m damn proud of them,” said Jones. “They’ve worked hard enough to be more than the Champions of Life. They are now the Champions of Yahtzee.”

For his part, Jones seemed inexplicably pleased to rule the world in a game designed for eight year olds.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Board Game Research Bureau spent hours locked in a room with one box of Yahtzee and a whole lot of weed and we can confirm that this game is pretty damn easy.

Police Investigating Spike in Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans

November 3, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating a breakout of “Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans” throughout Rutherford County.

Around 11:00 p.m. last night, authorities claim that social media erupted with unprecedented fits of Cubs fandom, often from individuals who had never before posted about the Chicago Cubs.

“It’s important for the community to remain calm,” said MPD Spokesman Harry Kerry. “We are confident that these lifelong Cubs fans will soon lose interest, especially if the Cubs stop winning.”

Social media posts were often accompanied by references to curses and billy goats, which has caused authorities to label the breakout as some kind of sorcery or witchcraft.

“We aren’t taking these reports lightly,” added Kerry. “Animal sacrifice and rituals is a hot button issue in this town and we will investigate fully.”

Reports indicate that the typical Lifelong Cubs Fan is a lifelong resident of Middle Tennessee, tied to the Chicago Cubs by nothing except a television and a desire to be part of an underdog story. Lifelong Cubs Fans also often have a fabricated story from their childhood that loosely ties them to the franchise, providing an excuse for shameless bandwagon hopping.

An unnamed source in the Murfreesboro Police Department indicated that police expect the spike in Lifelong Cubs Fans to decline quickly, as Lifelong Cubs Fans turn to other sports and remember that they are also Lifelong Alabama Football Fans, Lifelong Kentucky Basketball Fans, and Lifelong Dallas Cowboys Fans.

The author of this article has looked at ESPN once and decided that he too is a Lifelong Cubs Fan. That looks like fun! Scoot on over and make room on the bandwagon, boys and girls. It’s great to cheer for a champion!

Dumpster Fire Offended by Repeated Comparisons to UT Football

October 31, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A dumpster fire that slowly burns near the intersection of Northwest Broad Street and Medical Center Avenue in Murfreesboro is fed up with comparisons to the University of Tennessee Volunteers.

“I’m tired of it,” said the fire. “I just want to stay here and burn, creating something that is both offensive and visually horrific, and people just keep comparing me to that team.”

The University of Tennessee declined to comment, but Head Coach Butch Jones has made repeated references to fixing this football-team-disguised-as-a-smoldering-pile-of-manure “brick by brick.”

This story is developing.

NCAA Vacates National Championship UT Earned in September

October 17, 2016 /

KNOXVILLE, TN – In an unprecedented move, the NCAA voted unanimously Monday to vacate the Division I Football National Championship that the University of Tennessee earned through the first four games of the regular season.

“This is a difficult decision for the NCAA,” said NCAA President D. Rick Dooley. “We know that the fans, who trumpeted to the world that the University of Tennessee had pretty much earned the National Championship because they weren’t publicly embarrassed in September for the first time in about sixty years, will be immensely disappointed.”

The University of Tennessee opened the season with four resounding September victories against Sun Belt Juggernaut Appalachian State, 1999 BCS Championship Runner-Up Virginia Tech, the Ohio University Bobcats (who still play football), and a Florida Gators squad that was without Tim Tebow.

October proved more difficult for the Volunteers, who required a Hail Mary to beat Georgia (you know, that team that just lost to Vanderbilt), and then lost consecutive games to Texas A&M and Alabama, who play in the SEC West, where good football isn’t against the law.

Tennessee fans hoped that a string of inconsequential victories in the first month of the season would be enough to keep their premature National Championship hopes alive, but apparently beating teams from the ACC, the MAC, the Sun Belt Conference, the SEC East, and the Monthaven League for the Blind is not enough to convince the NCAA to be as irrational as Jim Bob Vols Fan.

“We earned that trophy,” said Volunteers Head Coach Butch Jones. “It’s a shame to see these kids who worked so hard in the first month of the season have that trophy taken away just because we had to start playing real football teams.”

When asked for how the Volunteers planned to rally after being violently throttled by the University of Alabama, Coach Jones just stared into a fictional camera and said “Brick by Brick.”

“Also, have you seen the back half of this schedule?” Coach Jones added, with a laugh. “We play South Carolina, Kentucky, Tennessee Tech, Missouri, and Vanderbilt. We’ll see you in the SEC Championship Game.”

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