Category: Real Estate

Report: Short-Term Rentals Responsible for 60% of Crime, Sexual Assault

NASHVILLE, TN – A shocking report released by the Nashville City Council on Friday revealed that short-term rentals, once a relatively unnoticed economic boon to Nashville and surrounding cities, have been found to be responsible for at least sixty percent of violent crime and sexual assault.

“We find the results of this report deeply disturbing,” said Nashville City Councilman Brian Chesky. “It is clear that short-term rentals have become a menace to this city, and we must take whatever measures possible to stop them.”

The Report revealed that short-term rental properties are relatively harmless when occupied, as the occupants in the buildings force the buildings to behave, much like when your mother walked into your room when you were on your computer— close that whack-ass porn and look up your homework!

The troubling details of the Report arose when the short-term rental properties become unoccupied. At that time, the hidden powers within the buildings awake and allow the buildings to come to life, wreaking havoc on local neighborhoods.

“We found that short-term rental properties, when left alone, often resort to violence, crime, and rampant drug use,” said Dr. Baker N. Blumfeld, who published the Report. “Often times, upon vacancy, the properties stand, uproot themselves from their foundation, and roam the streets at large, menacing nearby residents and robbing elderly women at gunpoint.”

In total, the Report found that crimes committed by short-term rental monsters accounted for sixty percent of all crime in Nashville.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to witness the violence that these properties levy upon innocent women and children. After all, this report must be true, right? It can’t just be that some bitchy citizens who claim to be inconvenienced by noise complaints would demand some peace and quiet (while living in the 24th largest city in the country, by the way) at the cost of losing millions of dollars in investment and tourism revenue for the city, right? That can’t be the case. No way.

With the only logical response being that short-term rental properties turn into living, breathing monsters when unoccupied, the Murfreesboro Tribune officially endorses the plan to limit these monsters being allowed in Middle Tennessee and we encourage our readers to do the same.

Think of the children!

Couple to Sell Home, Piss Off Every Realtor They Know Except One

MURFREESBORO, TN – Jake and Ashley Tisdall are on the move. The Murfreesboro couple recently purchased a new home in Garrison Cove and plan to sell their current home, much to the dismay of every real estate agent in town except the one realtor selected to sell the home.

The Tisdalls plan to list their home with Mark SellsHomes with Parks, who legally changed his name from Mark Stinson to Mark SellsHomes because the market is hot! Seriously though. Do you know what your home is worth?

After listing the home for sale with SellsHomes, the Tisdalls will ultimately infuriate every other realtor that they have ever casually come into contact with, and probably some realtors that they haven’t even met, including:

  1. Their friend from church who is a realtor.
  2. Their friend from Ashley’s book club who is a realtor.
  3. Their friend who lives down the block who is a realtor.
  4. The guy they know who says that every other realtor in town is garbage except for him, And he would know because he is a realtor.
  5. The guy they met at a charity event who forced his card into their hand without even asking if they were interested to know what he did for a living, who happens to be a realtor.
  6. The lady who knocked on their door last Saturday to let them know that the market is doing well and they should list their home with her, who is a realtor.
  7. The realtor camped out front of their home in a Coleman Sundome who happened to learn that they were interested in selling a few days ago and decided to stage a peaceful sit-in to earn the sale.
  8. The guy with realtor ads on the grocery cart at Kroger because he is watching. And he is also a realtor.
  9. The realtor who kidnapped their daughter, Olivia, and is holding her ransom in exchange for the listing.
  10. Bob Parks.

The Tisdalls have a plan in place to weather the storm of realtor discontent.

In the meantime, realtors interested in selling the Tisdall home are encouraged to passive-aggressively mention that the market is doing fairly well and that they would be happy to list the home, even though the Tisdalls have already selected a realtor.

UPDATE: The author of this article has now obtained a realtor license and will pursue the listing, Mark SellsHomes be damned.

UPDATE PART DEUX: The author of this article saved Olivia from captivity, which puts him in strong position to obtain the listing by negotiating her safe return to the Tisdalls. This market is hot!