MURFREESBORO, TN – In what Murfreesboro Police are calling a possible crime spree, local Republicans have suddenly and aggressively started grabbing cats out of the hands of unsuspecting female owners.
Authorities believe that the spike in feline theft has been caused by a possible misunderstanding of recently released recordings of a conversation between Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump and NBC Reporter Billy Bush.
In the tapes, Trump is heard saying the following:
And when you’re a star, [women] let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.
Local Republicans are confident that Donald Trump, the moral beacon of truth for the Republican Party, would never speak in a manner that belittles or objectifies women.
Republicans also made it clear that Donald Trump knows the Republican Rule: the only time it is appropriate to talk about a hoo-hah is when you’re telling a woman what to do with it.
Knowing that Bible Warrior Donald Trump would never speak in such a crude manner, Republicans are left to conclude that Trump is calling on his followers to simply grab women by the cat in their hands.
“Trump is all about Jesus and America,” said Robert Lee, a self-described Trump Disciple. “There ain’t no way that Trump would talk about lady parts like that.”
“Anyone who thinks Trump would use those words is probably just listening to the mainstream media,” said Annie Lee, Robert’s girlfriend and mother of their six born-out-of-wedlock children together. “That or listening to every public statement he has made over the past forty years.”
“When I met him, he called me Big Titties!” Lee continued. “What a caring man to notice my titties.”
The Tribune Investigative Team obtained a copy of a police report recently filed, which details an alleged assault and feline theft that took place on Saturday, October 8, 2016. In the report, Officer Lou Wensky writes:
On 10/8/2016, I responded to a call for help at the Murfreesboro Animal Hospital. I met with Ms. Jenn Flowers, who said that, as she walked to her car holding her cat Tally, a man wearing a jean jacket with a bedazzled American Flag and Bald Eagle on it, as well as a bright red had that read “Make America Great Again!” asked if she would like to go buy furniture. She thought he may be speaking to someone else.
The man suddenly approached her and yelled “don’t worry baby the women just let me,” grabbed Tally, and pulled violently. After Ms. Flowers refused to let go of Tally, the man turned and ran away.
The Local Republican Party could not be reached for comment. The entryway to the building was blocked by stray cats, undoubtedly collected through a faithful following of the words of their fearless leader.
Seize the Cats!