Category: Politics

Report: Short-Term Rentals Responsible for 60% of Crime, Sexual Assault

NASHVILLE, TN – A shocking report released by the Nashville City Council on Friday revealed that short-term rentals, once a relatively unnoticed economic boon to Nashville and surrounding cities, have been found to be responsible for at least sixty percent of violent crime and sexual assault.

“We find the results of this report deeply disturbing,” said Nashville City Councilman Brian Chesky. “It is clear that short-term rentals have become a menace to this city, and we must take whatever measures possible to stop them.”

The Report revealed that short-term rental properties are relatively harmless when occupied, as the occupants in the buildings force the buildings to behave, much like when your mother walked into your room when you were on your computer— close that whack-ass porn and look up your homework!

The troubling details of the Report arose when the short-term rental properties become unoccupied. At that time, the hidden powers within the buildings awake and allow the buildings to come to life, wreaking havoc on local neighborhoods.

“We found that short-term rental properties, when left alone, often resort to violence, crime, and rampant drug use,” said Dr. Baker N. Blumfeld, who published the Report. “Often times, upon vacancy, the properties stand, uproot themselves from their foundation, and roam the streets at large, menacing nearby residents and robbing elderly women at gunpoint.”

In total, the Report found that crimes committed by short-term rental monsters accounted for sixty percent of all crime in Nashville.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to witness the violence that these properties levy upon innocent women and children. After all, this report must be true, right? It can’t just be that some bitchy citizens who claim to be inconvenienced by noise complaints would demand some peace and quiet (while living in the 24th largest city in the country, by the way) at the cost of losing millions of dollars in investment and tourism revenue for the city, right? That can’t be the case. No way.

With the only logical response being that short-term rental properties turn into living, breathing monsters when unoccupied, the Murfreesboro Tribune officially endorses the plan to limit these monsters being allowed in Middle Tennessee and we encourage our readers to do the same.

Think of the children!

Medicaid Recipient Oddly Excited About Obamacare Repeal

Tommy Tomilson, who has received disability for the past ten years because his bad back and “nerves,” recently expressed his excitement about the upcoming vote to rewrite parts of Obamacare.

In a Facebook post to friends and family, Tomilson said he was happy he voted for President Donald Trump and, if he lived in Kentucky, he would have voted for Mitch McConnell too because the men are “keeping their words and getting rid of that damn Obamacare.”

Tomilson seemed unclear on the potential impact to his own health insurance, adding “I’m glad I get Medicaid through the Affordable Care Act and not that piece of crap Obamacare. Thanks for nothing, Obama!”

According to the Congressional Budget Office, the Senate rewrite of the ACA will leave twenty-two million uninsured, many due to Medicaid cuts, and cause premiums to sharply increase for those over forty and anyone with a pre-existing condition.

Tomilson then started arguing with distant cousin who only communicates through HuffPost articles and Occupy Democrats memes, like a typical communist.

He ended the conversation with “Get the government out of my Medicaid! Benghazi! #MAGA”

Tomilson next posted about “RINOs” making McConnell wait until after the Fourth of July to vote on the bill in the Senate after several key votes were lost when Senators realized it must be bad when even the AARP campaigns against you.

“We elected you to repeal and replace Obamacare. Get on it!”

Tomilson was last seen shouting at the neighbor kids to get off his yard.

Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at

Social Media Genuinely Interested in Your Political Views

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to witness statements collected from hundreds of people you know, the entire community, and possibly the entire nation, is deeply interested in your personal political views.

“I love it,” said your Aunt Jane. “When you get online and rant about a political candidate or decide to tell me I’m an idiot if I don’t agree with you, it is so refreshing!”

Statements mentioned a number of favorite parts of your political ramblings, including news stories, YouTube videos, unproven statistics, and unfounded allegations of racism and sexism.

“I am so proud of you,” said your Mother, who you called racist last week while in the midst of a Twitter meltdown. “You take a stand and refuse to back down, even if it means torching bridges with important people in your life.”

Your employer is also solidly behind you, noting that the company is thrilled to employ someone who shows zero restraint online, as if statements posted online can’t be linked back to your profile, which has your name, picture, city, and employer.

“It’s a bold strategy,” said your employer. “But we love to see our employees out there attacking people. It shows tenacity. And a general disregard for their own reputation.”

Keep it up. You are great and the world cares about your political views!

Report: All Racism and Crime Now Donald Trump’s Fault

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a report issued by the Middle Tennessee State University Department of Important Department Titles, the election of Donald J. Trump as President of the United States has created some devastating consequences.

According to the Trump Report, the world is now faced with the sudden advent of violent crime, sexual assault, and racism, none of which existed before this election.

“I just can’t believe this,” said Kylee James, a nineteen year old Hillary Clinton supporter, who has clearly lived long enough to make a profound statement on race relations. “The police say that people are being raped and mugged every day, and my friends say that none of this occurred before Trump was elected.”

“I was walking to my car last week, and someone yelled ‘go back to Mexico!'” said Julio Rodriguez, a Central American high school student. “I’m not even Mexican, but my heart still hurts because I know that, before Trump, no one was ever racist.”

Records obtained from the Murfreesboro Police Department showed that, since the election of Donald Trump, there have been several crimes committed, including drug abuse, rape, and theft. The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that these crimes were committed after Trump was elected president, which means that these crimes were caused by him and his followers.

Many violent and racist activities are being logged by Twitter users in a collection titled “Day One in Trump America.” The collection provides a series of disturbing events that must have never happened before, including yelling racial slurs and kids getting in fights at school over racial taunting.

It is fairly clear to the Murfreesboro Tribune that none of this has ever happened before and that this is all Trump’s fault.

Please go back where you came from, Trump. This world can’t survive if people commit crime or make racist statements. Society will end as we know it.

From the Street: Voters Celebrate Historic Hillary Clinton Victory

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what analysts are calling the most celebrated election since Harold Jackson was voted Chairman of the Board of Oscar Mayer, Inc., Hillary Clinton will ride a wave of social media posts and public support on Election Night to a presumed United States Presidency.

This article is being written at 5:00 p.m. Central Time on Tuesday, as the writer of this article has a date with a bottle of Tito’s Vodka, a pack of Slim Jims, and some hanky panky with Jazminn from BackPage (she is only dancing to pay her way through college).

To celebrate this monumental milestone, which social media spheres, media pundits, and paid pollsters (who do this for a living, as their only job, by the way) have all but guaranteed, we took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about Hillary Clinton’s inevitable victory in the United States Presidential Election?

“Wow. Just wow. I’m so glad that America finally woke up and agreed with everything I say. Let’s be real. If you don’t agree with HRC or my views on this, you’re a vicious race-baiting sexist bastard who only lives on white privilege anyways. Good job, America!”
Hailey Marks, College Student

“It’s awesome! It’s so good to know that the media, pollsters, and all my friends agree that this thing is over! I’m turning off my phone for the night and I’m just going to celebrate this milestone. Nothing can stop us now! Let’s go Hillary!”
Mark Rollins, Hair Stylist

from-the-street-11“I’m just so glad that the small amount of people in this country who support Trump are getting what they deserve. Those racist, xenophobic, backwards country hicks can take the Southern states and shove it. No way that places like Pennsylvania, Ohio, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Florida, or Arizona support Trump. It’s over!”
Melanie Hix, Real Estate Agent

“Uhh, shouldn’t we wait a second before celebrating? What if Trump wins?”
Jake Rogers, Racist Woman-Hating Monster


Man Posts Impassioned Election Day Plea, Facebook Friends Completely Ignore It

MURFREESBORO, TN – Early Tuesday morning, Mark Kendall took to Facebook to share his deep, thoughtful, provocative, and insightful analysis of the 2016 United States Presidential Election, urging his friends to avoid voting for the other side, whose candidate lacks both morality and general decency.

His Facebook friends completely ignored it.

“I’m proud of Mark for really putting himself out there,” said Loretta Kendall, Mark’s mother, who is the one person to read the post. “He is such an ambitious boy.”

Mark’s post blended emotion, compassion, anger, and urgency, creating a call to action that everyone avoided in its entirety.

“YOU have the power to shape the future of America,” the post reads. “There is no way you can vote for someone with no morals. This country won’t survive.”

Several of Mark’s Facebook friends spoke with the Tribune under strict anonymity.

Jay Barnum, a 33-year-old software designer and lifelong friend of Mark’s up until Mark finds out what he said in this interview, said that he isn’t reading the post because he already voted.

Katrina Pierce, a family friend of the Kendalls until her statement gets out to the public, said she just doesn’t know enough about the election to care.

Mark continues on in life, blissfully ignorant that the eight likes on his Facebook post were put there out of pity from people who knew that no one would read the damn thing.

Local Republicans Confused by Trump, Start Grabbing Everyone’s Cats

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what Murfreesboro Police are calling a possible crime spree, local Republicans have suddenly and aggressively started grabbing cats out of the hands of unsuspecting female owners.

Authorities believe that the spike in feline theft has been caused by a possible misunderstanding of recently released recordings of a conversation between Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump and NBC Reporter Billy Bush.

In the tapes, Trump is heard saying the following:

And when you’re a star, [women] let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.

Local Republicans are confident that Donald Trump, the moral beacon of truth for the Republican Party, would never speak in a manner that belittles or objectifies women.

Republicans also made it clear that Donald Trump knows the Republican Rule: the only time it is appropriate to talk about a hoo-hah is when you’re telling a woman what to do with it.

Knowing that Bible Warrior Donald Trump would never speak in such a crude manner, Republicans are left to conclude that Trump is calling on his followers to simply grab women by the cat in their hands.

“Trump is all about Jesus and America,” said Robert Lee, a self-described Trump Disciple. “There ain’t no way that Trump would talk about lady parts like that.”

“Anyone who thinks Trump would use those words is probably just listening to the mainstream media,” said Annie Lee, Robert’s girlfriend and mother of their six born-out-of-wedlock children together. “That or listening to every public statement he has made over the past forty years.”

“When I met him, he called me Big Titties!” Lee continued. “What a caring man to notice my titties.”

The Tribune Investigative Team obtained a copy of a police report recently filed, which details an alleged assault and feline theft that took place on Saturday, October 8, 2016. In the report, Officer Lou Wensky writes:

On 10/8/2016, I responded to a call for help at the Murfreesboro Animal Hospital. I met with Ms. Jenn Flowers, who said that, as she walked to her car holding her cat Tally, a man wearing a jean jacket with a bedazzled American Flag and Bald Eagle on it, as well as a bright red had that read “Make America Great Again!” asked if she would like to go buy furniture. She thought he may be speaking to someone else.

The man suddenly approached her and yelled “don’t worry baby the women just let me,” grabbed Tally, and pulled violently. After Ms. Flowers refused to let go of Tally, the man turned and ran away.

The Local Republican Party could not be reached for comment. The entryway to the building was blocked by stray cats, undoubtedly collected through a faithful following of the words of their fearless leader.

Seize the Cats!