Category: People & Places (Page 2 of 3)

Entire Facebook Group Fails to Understand Satire, Basic Literary Devices

December 29, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a flurry of very important online outrage this week, the Urban Occupants, a relatively powerful player in the world of Facebook-groups-that-just-bitch-about-things, proved once again that, when it comes to the internet, idiots win the day.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team recently released a report issued by a crack squad of neuroscientists, physicists, doctors, lawyers, and Captain Jean-Luc Picard, which discovered the following: the Urban Occupants Facebook group is filled with individuals who just don’t f***ing understand satire.

Here is a helpful guide, from the Murfreesboro Tribune FAQ Page:

According to the website Literary Devices, “satire is a technique employed by writers to expose and criticize foolishness and corruption of an individual or a society by using humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule. It intends to improve humanity by criticizing its follies and foibles.”

Merriam-Webster defines satire as: “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”

Faced with numerous articles that are quite precisely intended to criticize the follies and foibles of humanity, the Urban Occupants have oft reverted to a number of amusing-yet-empty platitudes and attacks, including the following Pulitzer-worthy juggernauts:

“Totally FAKE news!”

Well played with the all caps, kind sir. We hate to be the ones to tell you, but satire isn’t exactly supposed to be real. Maybe that’s why the dictionary definition specifically includes an exaggeration of the truth?

“There’s nothing useful about writing something like this! It’s not funny… This should be illegal!”

We agree. F*** the First Amendment. While we’re at it, f*** America. And f*** democracy. Let’s just let this woman run the internet. Sic Semper Tyrannis!

“It’s not even funny. So you look stupid for writing stuff like this.”

It’s 2017, ma’am. Let’s stop starting sentences with a conjunction. If you’d like, you can take a minute to Google “conjunction.” [Jeopardy Theme Song]. Now that you’re back, we just want you to know that we aren’t going to stop writing stuff like this. And we aren’t stupid.

“QUESTION IS…WHY WOULD SOMEONE CREATE THIS POST IN THE FIRST PLACE????????????”

Please stay where you are. We are sending medical personnel to retrieve you, because you appear to have just fallen and landed on the damn question mark.

“I’ve never read an article from this publication that’s funny.”

Funny, we’ve never seen a profile picture from you that doesn’t look like a bitch. Quirks happen.

We hope this guide has been helpful in understanding satire. If you still don’t get it, just flip on back to Two And A Half Men reruns, which are probably more your speed.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Euthanization Clinic Set for Homeless on Public Square

July 23, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Several business owners in Downtown Murfreesboro have joined forces to host a Euthanization Clinic for the Poor, which will provide a compassionate response to the growing problem of homelessness in Rutherford County.

“We have become increasingly concerned with the homeless population on the Murfreesboro Square,” said one business owner. “This image is hurting our downtown area and we need to try and clean it up.”

Many business owners agreed that there is a problem, but could not settle on a solution. The group considered several proposals, including criminalizing homelessness, tazing the poor, or distributing blankets infected with smallpox, before settling on a Euthanization Clinic, somehow believing that you can just make all these people go away.

It is worth noting that the group failed to discuss reasonable solutions such as housing programs, job training, and access to education, or investing time, effort, or resources to help build community.

“Sure, being homeless is hard, and worrying about where your next meal comes from is stressful,” said one downtown resident, “But these people look just awful to my customers, and the Euthanization Clinic gives them a way out.”

According to preliminary plans, the Euthanization Clinic will have two phases. In Phase One, a clinic participant will be sorted into “Worthless” and “Only-Kinda-Worthless.”

In Phase Two,  participants deemed “Worthless” will be either put down humanely or loaded into a van and dropped in the middle of Downtown Nashville.

In Phase Two, participants deemed “Only-Kinda-Worthless” will be sent to Camp Homeless, a year-round summer camp for the poor, which includes free room and board, concrete walls, barb wire fencing, and physical activities, such as road building, license plate hammering, and the creation of Soylent Green.

“Camp Homeless is a great opportunity for these people to get the hell out of my sight,” said one business owner, who declined to comment on the shocking similarity between Camp Homeless and a prison or concentration camp.

“They’re gonna have a blast,” he added. “And they’re gonna get away from my business, which is the most important thing.”

The Euthanization Clinic for the Poor will be held on Saturday, August 12, on the Public Square, after which time this place can start to look like a proper business district again.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page. 

Man Running Late Takes Most Thorough Shower of His Life

June 2, 2017 /

Noting the paradoxical nature of his actions, Murfreesboro resident Shelby Critchelow, 27, reported Friday that he’d taken the most thorough shower of his life despite already running thirty minutes late to a first date at Bar Louie.

“My showers naturally follow the Rule of Four, so I don’t know what came over me,” Said Critchelow, referring the commonly understood mathematical principle that no matter how long it takes a man to shower, the actual amount of linear time ends up being about four minutes.

On this particular trip into the shower, Critchelow found himself methodically going over every surface of his body in an obsessively detailed manner. “I used soap on parts of my back and legs that haven’t been scrubbed in well over a decade,” he added. “Out of nowhere, a washcloth even showed up, so I tried it out.”

This point is notable, as it shows the bachelor going against years of his own practice of never actually using a washcloth when provided with one; instead opting to run it under the sink after lathering it up with a bar of soap in an effort to make people think he was a normal human being and not a deranged savage who prefers using a raw bar of soap to more hygienic bathing practices.

Speculating as to the reasons behind the aberration, Critchelow could not point to a single factor, although theories include the possible use of a new bar of soap, a long overdue changing of his razor cartridge, and the fact that “#selfie” by the Chainsmokers had just started as he stepped into his shower.

At press time, Critchelow had gotten to Bar Louie an hour late, which didn’t seem to bother his date, who’d also been tardy due to the fact that she spent forty-seven minutes sitting on her bed in a bath robe staring at a blank wall before deciding to get ready.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Report: Woman Turns Blinker On While Waiting to Buy Gas, Means Business

May 8, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to several witnesses, a Rutherford County woman waiting to fill up her gas tank at Dodge’s Store has now turned her blinker on to make sure everyone at the service station know she means business.

“I wasn’t really sure if she was here to cash a check or buy Fried Chicken and Jojos,” said Hugo Chavez, 25, who arrived only five minutes earlier. “But as soon as I saw that she’d turned on her blinker and put her car into park less than two feet from my rear bumper, I put two and two together.”

Chavez was one of a number of Dodge’s patrons awestruck by the cold, no-nonsense approach to purchasing fuel.

“I don’t get any of this,” said Heather Jarvis, 31. “Look at Angela Merkel over there buying gas at 9:30 on a Monday night and acting like we’re in the middle of a Carter-Era energy crisis.”

The most disturbing report of the incident, however, comes from the mysterious ice queen’s actions right after Chavez left the Dodge’s parking lot.

“After the guy in front of her drove off, she started the pump and then went and sat quietly in her car with the blinker still on,” said Nellie Stanwyck, 21. “That surprised me because it didn’t seem to bother her. It was crazy. She wasn’t even scrolling through her phone. She just sat there, like a psychopath.”

Stanwyck later saw where the mysterious gas lady’s phone was located.

“It was in her trunk if you can believe it,” said a visibly disturbed Stanwyck. “I know my head would have f***ing exploded from the noise. ”

At press time, the woman had finished her task and pulled out onto Broad Street, her blinker still on, apparently headed to austerity vote about which reasonably-priced entree she was going to choose at Demos’ that night.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Report: He Went to Jared (and a Strip Club)

April 25, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to Murfreesboro resident Victoria Sharpe, a recent bachelor party trip by her boyfriend to Nashville’s Déjà Vu Gentlemen’s Club has yielded a mysterious gift from the jewelry store Jared, which is totally not an attempted apology.

“I’m not really sure what to make of it,” Sharpe said in response to receiving a box containing a Colors-In-Rhythm necklace from her partner Dave Haggard shortly after he had visited a building full of nude and semi-nude women , “But I feel like something horrible happened.”

Reached by phone from Murfreesboro Tribune Headquarters, located in the atomic bomb shelter below the former First Methodist Church building just off of the Murfreesboro Square, Haggard proffered that the gift was for the couple’s anniversary, which Sharpe had forgotten.

“She’s just mad because she didn’t remember our two-year anniversary,” said Haggard, glossing over the fact that he had been paying women to take their clothes off shortly before buying the gift. “Besides, the [wedding] crew was only at Déjà Vu for an hour because the entire place smelled like a combination of Avon Rebel Rose perfume and utter despair. I just took the hundred bucks that I had leftover and bought her a nice gift with our birthstones in it.”

“Then he should have done a better job of remembering our birthstones for the necklace,” Victoria shot back (because it’s just a like a woman to remember these things, right?) “I’ve told him a thousand times that my birthstone is peridot, not spinel; he should have chosen opal instead of tourmaline.”

Upon hearing Sharpe’s response, Haggard rolled his eyes and noted, “I’ll bet O. Henry is rolling over in his grave right now—I gave her a nice gift and she’s giving me shit.”

Report: It’s January 2nd and 80% of New Year Resolutions Already Blown

January 2, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a Report released by the Middle Tennessee State Department of Watching People Lie to Themselves, over eighty percent of New Year Resolutions have already erupted into violent flame, leaving behind a trail of unused gym memberships, dust-covered Bow Flex Machines, and half-eaten peanut butter cartons.

“It’s about that time of year where we start to see people lose some serious progress,” said Dr. Michael Weir, acting as if the goals that have already been abandoned weren’t set less than forty-eight hours before his interview.

Dr. Weir’s research project, which produced the Let’s See How Unreasonable People Can Be Report, identified at least three types of New Year Resolutions that have fallen the quickest in 2017: eat better; exercise; and stop smoking.

To determine how many people have already abandoned ship on these unrealistic goals, the LSHUPCB Research Team utilized sophisticated research methods, which included: approaching strangers outside of bars, following people around the local gym, and yelling at people in the ice cream aisle at Kroger.

“The idea for the project came to me when I found a young woman outside of a local gym, crying uncontrollably and chain smoking a pack of Pall Malls,” said Dr. Weir.

After the woman got up and ran to her car, Dr. Weir found a crumpled up piece of paper next to where she had been sitting that read:

AMY’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

  1. Go to the gym every day— EASY!
  2. Stop eating all fast food— it’s not good for you!
  3. Stop smoking— it’s New Year’s and you got this!

Dr. Weir found her in the parking lot at 10:00 a.m. on New Year’s Day, merely hours into a yearlong quest for health that only had a chance of success because of the selection of an arbitrary and inspirational start date.

“She never actually went into the gym,” noted Dr. Weirs. “Instead, she walked into a nearby Captain D’s.”

The LSHUPCB Report is available for pickup at nearby gyms and crossfit facilities, to ensure that no one who has already abandoned their resolutions would ever see a copy and get their feelings hurt.

Thanksgiving Facebook Post Cleverly Disguises Doomed Relationship

November 21, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – If Wendy Evans and her boyfriend, Jason Riker, are having relationship problems, social media won’t know about it thanks to a Facebook post from Evans, which informed the world that the two are deeply, madly, and forever in love.

On Monday, Evans posted the following on Facebook, apparently related to the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, which convinced the entire Facebook universe that Evans and Riker have the perfect relationship:

wendy-evans

According to reports from friends and family, the relationship between Evans and Riker has been on the rocks for about three years now, resulting in six broken engagements, three police calls, and frequent emotionally panicked calls to friends and family members.

Thanks to the Thanksgiving Facebook post by Evans, friends and family of both Evans and Riker believe that the entire relationship has fixed itself and that nothing is wrong.

“There’s no way that two people who hate each other could post such a nice thing on Facebook,” said Cindy King, Wendy’s mother. “I mean, look at that post! These two are so in love.”

“Makes sense,” said Ken Evans, Wendy’s father. “I know the two were fighting the day before the post and about three minutes after the post, but now we know it’s all perfect.”

Wendy was last seen at a coffee shop with three friends, unleashing on the friends about all of Jason’s bad habits and how she needs to leave him right now.

This story is developing.

Shocking: Woman on Dating App Allergic to Asking Questions

November 7, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro resident Dave Shelton engaged in a recent conversation on the dating app Hinge that alerted the 33 year-old to a host of puzzling medical conditions that he had no idea existed, most notably his match’s apparent allergy towards asking any form of question whatsoever.

Hinge is a dating app designed by Facebook that matches potential couples based off of mutual friends, who serve as the “Hinge” that anonymously allows the desperate, perennially-single suitors to cram an attempt at finding perfect marital bliss into anywhere from a one to thirty-six hour time frame.

“I started a conversation with Salome, this beautiful woman in Nashville, and I thought we’d hit it off,” said Shelton. “She’s a blogger, I’m an unemployed freelance writer, and we’re both holding beers in our main profile picture. I got really excited.”

Dave and Salome messaged back and forth a few times, but things didn’t seem to click between the two, which obviously makes no sense because Dave is a mildly handsome normcore myopic without gainful employment living in Murfreesboro.

“We matched, I sent her a message, she waited 24 hours to respond, I waited 48 hours to respond, she hit me back up, I caught her 5 seconds later, and it was on,” said Shelton.

Or so he thought.

Shelton consistently asked Salome a series of engaging questions curated from a list he found on Google, each of which she responded to in a strange manner he had never before encountered–asking her questions resulted in 1/2 to 1/4 of an actual answer.

“As an opener, I asked her what had been the best part of her week,” said Shelton. “She replied ‘Tacos lol’. On top of that, she could not end one sentence without a ‘haha or lol’ in place of any form of proper punctuation. She even mentioned that her grandmother had ‘Died recently lolz.'”

Things came to a head when Dave asked her how she liked living in Nashville, to which she replied by asking him how he liked living in Nashville, the only question Salome asked him the entire time.

“Now that I think about it, I think she was allergic to asking questions,” Shelton observed. “It couldn’t have been that she finally realized that I live in Murfreesboro, could it? It’s right there on my profile. I know EpiPens are expensive, but shit.”

At press time, a quick perusal of Salome’s profile on the Hinge app yielded one last paradox: a picture of an arm tattoo spelling out “Wanderlust” above a strict disclaimer for men on the app not to contact her under any circumstances if they do not live in Nashville city limits.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

Man Handing Out Candy to Kids Suddenly Unacceptable

November 1, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s that time of year when the leaves turn, the winds change, and grown adults hand out candy to kids. For one day, at least.

Trevor Smallwood is learning the hard way that society accepts only a brief period of time for adult men to hand candy to children passing by, that brief period of time being Halloween Weekend.

We spoke with Smallwood in the back of his 1980s Ford Econoline windowless van.

“I just don’t get it,” said Smallwood. “Last night, I followed all these kids around and threw candy at them and everyone loved me. Now, all of the sudden, people start yelling.”

Smallwood admitted that his van could use a wash, as its paint job is made of spray paint. He also acknowledged that the scrape marks near the inside door were an aesthetic eyesore. “They shouldn’t be scraping to get out,” he joked.

In all, however, Smallwood expressed dismay that this great country just isn’t what it used to.

“Parents used to just let their kids walk all over town without any supervision,” Smallwood remarked. “Now, parents follow the kids everywhere. It makes it hard for guys like me, who just want to hand some candy out and maybe take a kid or two.”

The interview promptly ended when Smallwood dropped a can of chloroform hidden in his coat pocket onto the floor of the van.

Yes, we got the hell out of there.

Local Teacher Confident Plexus Income Worth Total Devastation to Reputation

September 27, 2016 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – With an unwavering sense of pride and ignoble confidence, local Smeagol High School English Teacher Ashley Crouch stated on Tuesday that the amount of money she will be “raking in” following a recent decision to become a Plexus Ambassador will “totally justify” the massive and irreparable damage to her reputation that such a move entails.

Plexus is a company that makes and advertises non-FDA approved weight loss supplements, which it sells through the use of Ambassadors—sales representatives who use coercion, shame, and white guilt to market the company’s merchandise under the false pretense of miraculous increases in health, while recruiting others to join them.

Crouch, an unmarried eight-year veteran of the Murfreesboro City School District, revealed in an exclusive interview with The Tribune that her hubric courage to become a pyramid-scheming franchisee slave came in the form of a recent breakthrough with her psychotherapist, Barbara Pearl.

“Barb has been telling me lately that most people don’t think nearly as much about us as we tend to think they do,” said Crouch, “so I don’t really see any harm in living life at the end of my comfort zone and putting good money toward my annual solo trip to Disneyworld”—a sentiment that her closest friends, colleagues, and family wholeheartedly reject.

“She’s still seeing Barb? Oh Jesus H. Vishnu,” said Amanda Crouch, Ashley’s mother. “I thought we’d convinced her to see another caregiver. I’ve told her over and over that Barbara Pearl isn’t even a therapist!”

A review of the Tennessee State Medical Boards revealed that Barbara Pearl is not a licensed mental health counselor. However, Pearl is the #1 Plexus Ambassador in Middle Tennessee.

“The most important thing for my patients is to understand that they have the power to fix themselves,” said Pearl. “They can fix themselves by selling my products to fix a leaky gut and making me some extra money.”

Bethany Amber, a fellow English teacher at Smeagol High School, summed up Crouch’s endeavor as “batshit insane,” adding that Crouch has created Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter accounts, along with giving Squarespace a five-year upfront payment for AshleyCrouchPlexusRocks.com.

“The fuck is she going to post?” Amber asked. “And who’s going to ‘like’ any of it?”

A review of Crouch’s social media accounts provided a sad picture. The most provocative posts show waning interest in the honorable field of education and increasing interest in selling Plexus through the oldest profession in the world.

plexus-post

plexus-post-2

“We try to discourage teachers from this kind of thing,” said City Schools Director Melinda Filbert. “Not only does it take away their focus, but also that of the entire school, because these companies pressure Ambassadors to send emails to everyone they work with, which ties up resources and attention.”

Filbert expressed frustration that Crouch continues to offer Plexus products to students, teachers, parents, coaches, teacher aides, tutors, after school childcare workers, janitors, cafeteria workers, and even a sprinkler system.

“I brought her into the office to give her a second verbal warning for Plexus solicitation,” said Filbert. “She then invited me to her home for a Plexus Party. I’m not sure I have any option but to fire her.”

Despite all of this, Crouch is resolute in her decision. At time of printing, her most recent Instagram post contained seven boxes of Plexus products on her front porch with the caption #plexus4lifebitches.

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