Category: People & Places (page 1 of 2)

Satire Writer Gone for Weeks, Acting Like Satire is Just a Hobby

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a continuous disappointment to the four people who actually appreciate good satire, local satirist Sam Clemens is out here acting like his fake newspaper is just a hobby.

Clemens, known to the Murfreesboro community for his wit, charm, and virility, created a fake newspaper years ago that has generated enough popularity to pay him zero dollars and zero cents to date.

Over the past few years, Clemens has disappeared for weeks or months at a time on multiple occasions, including a notorious Facebook ban. Upon his return, Clemens often provides some far-fetched explanation that your great aunt thinks may not be entirely accurate.

“Where does he go for weeks at time?” Asked one commenter. “How can he just neglect satire writing like it’s just a hobby?”

Editor’s Note: Satire is actually just a hobby to Sam Clemens. Satire does not pay for rent, groceries, or Asian massage parlors (yet). If you have a complaint about his absence or vacation time, please see our Contact Page.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Group Gathers at Local Hospital, Protests Naming Newborn Baby “Raider”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Protesters filled the parking lot of Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital on Thursday in opposition of newborn baby Raider Allen Johnson, born late Wednesday evening.

The protest focused on the name Raider, which protesters have called offensive, insensitive, and culturally unacceptable.

“The word Raider brings up all kinds of negative connotations,” said protester Thomas Jenkins. “We understand that there may be a perfectly legitimate reason for naming this child Raider, but the parents should understand that if some part of the community can be offended by another interpretation of a naming choice, that name has got to be stopped at all costs.”

Other protesters echoed that, while there may be a legitimate reason for the name, such as family lineage or just personal preference, the fact that the name could be loosely tied to racism means it should be banned from use.

“Listen, I’m all for Myleigh, Briley, Hexley, Hylee, Tyleigh, Aiden, Braden, Jaden, Kaden, Paiden, and all the other ways that white people can just destroy first names,” said protester Faith Killion, whose children, Payzlee and Braisley were also present. “But you keep that racist Raider bullshit out of here.”

When asked if she would approve the name Rayderr (with two “R” at the end), she immediately changed her tune.

“Wow that’s so unique and creative,” she said. “I really like it.”

At the time of this story, the protesters have asked the community to take a stand against this word, whether or not the parents meant it to be racist or not.

“It’s time to take a stand,” protesters yelled. “If we are offended, you should be too!”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Your Friend is on Vacation Right Now, In Case You Missed the 894 Posts

SOME TROPICAL PARADISE – According to the eight hundred and ninety-four social media posts, including two hundred and sixteen photos posted to Facebook, one hundred and thirty-two tweets, one hundred and fourteen Instagram photos, sixty-eight Snapchat stories, three check-ins on FourSquare (this is still a thing?!), and three hundred and sixty-one updates to an Instagram day, your friend is currently on vacation.

Your Friend’s Social Media Updates
Facebook Photos: 216

Tweets: 132
Instagram Photos: 114
Snapchat Story Updates: 68
FourSquare Check-Ins: 3
Instagram Day Updates: 361

“Just out here relaxing,” she wrote in post, somehow taking a picture while floating in the middle of the cruise ship pool.

“Wow, she must be really happy,” she said to herself, pretending that’s what her friends would think.

At the time of publication, it is unclear what is driving the social media frenzy. Possible sources include the inexplicable need to brag about your life on social media and other related causes, such as depression, loneliness, the need for emotional support from an internet provider, general instability, boredom, and keeping up with the Joneses on social media.

Happiness and contentment have been ruled out as contributing sources, as she may have put her damn phone down if she felt even a glimmer of either.

“It feels so good to unplug and relax!” she wrote in a follow-up post, while ironically forced to plug in her phone to provide power for continued social media updates.

UPDATE: she just posted seven more times. We cracked nine hundred!


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Group Resumes Steady Diet of Eating Its Own

MURFREESBORO, TN – A mere two months after granting the wish of so many and shuttering its doors, the Urban Occupants returned to Facebook with penchant for pettiness, launching an all-out polling war on news publications.

“It feels good to be back,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “It feels even better to be back and to be mercilessly fighting with each other over the most meaningless shit on earth.”

Taking a slow sip of hot tea, Frakes added: “Ah, it just feels right.”

On November 16, Urban Occupants Moderator Robby Wolfman Jr. created a poll to gauge the feelings of the group. Wolfman must have believed that the Urban Occupants, which will resort to threatening the lives of each other over the internal rules of a completely voluntary social media sub-group, would peaceably reach a consensus on one single issue, a feat that experts predict has occurred in this group a total of zero times.

Surprising no one in the world, the poll created even more division, leading to personal attacks, general anxiety, and inexplicably entitled demands for immediate action from a set of volunteer moderators.

“We demand action now!” wrote one commenter, who regularly enjoys the unpaid work of the moderators, but now expects these same unpaid moderators to work-for-free even faster.

As of the time this article is published, debates endlessly rage over trash pickup, historic district rezoning, meat sales, and religious liberties.

Welcome back, Urban Occupants.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Group Shuts Down, Finally Hates Itself As Much As We Do

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “irreconcilable conflicts with basic norms of human decency,” the Urban Occupants, a relatively inconspicuous group of self-obsessed rabble rousers, closed its proverbial doors on Thursday, fueling speculation by absolutely no one as to why it happened.

“All good things come to an end,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “So do awful things. And so do things that are worse than awful, like this group of soulless savages.”

The move surprised approximately three people who had ever come in contact with the group. Everyone else knew how toxic the group had become and each nodded in approval when the group finally shut its doors.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes, so too will these constant complainers find another page to complain. Until then, use your imagination to fill your life with people unnecessarily injecting politics into your life or complaining about any type of new construction that could ever exist with thirty square miles of their home.

Hats off to you, Urban Occupants. You will be missed.

Then again, we aren’t sure who will miss you, but maybe someone.

Maybe.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Social Media Update: CrossFit Douche Currently Working Out

MURFREESBORO, TN – Recent social media posts have confirmed that Full-Time CrossFit Instructor and Amateur Instagram Model* Wod Wodley is in fact working out right now.

“Out here making GAINS!” Wodley posted on Instagram, accompanied by a picture of him throwing a tire at a Renaissance-era archery target (the fuck?).

Wodley followers had reached fever pitch about his six hour absence from social media prior to the post.

“It’s not like Wod to stay off of Instagram for more than thirty minutes or so,” said Rachel Hendrix, a CrossFit Enthusiast and Wodley Disciple. “I mean look at his body!”

At the time of print, Wodley was last seen juggling tire irons (uh what?) in between sets of burpees.

“This is f***ing fantastic,” commented Dr. James Archer, an orthopedic surgeon in Murfreesboro and avid fan of absurd form and reckless exercise.

“Keep it up guys,” Archer added. “I need some more torn up knees and shoulders to put my kids through college.”


* By “Instagram Model” The Murfreesboro Tribune is using the Webster’s Dictionary definition, which borrows heavily from Urban Dictionary, as follows: “An extreme selfie taker, usually with a nice body, an empty bank account, and hopes of a celebrity paying attention at some point.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Entire Facebook Group Fails to Understand Satire, Basic Literary Devices

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a flurry of very important online outrage this week, the Urban Occupants, a relatively powerful player in the world of Facebook-groups-that-just-bitch-about-things, proved once again that, when it comes to the internet, idiots win the day.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team recently released a report issued by a crack squad of neuroscientists, physicists, doctors, lawyers, and Captain Jean-Luc Picard, which discovered the following: the Urban Occupants Facebook group is filled with individuals who just don’t f***ing understand satire.

Here is a helpful guide, from the Murfreesboro Tribune FAQ Page:

According to the website Literary Devices, “satire is a technique employed by writers to expose and criticize foolishness and corruption of an individual or a society by using humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule. It intends to improve humanity by criticizing its follies and foibles.”

Merriam-Webster defines satire as: “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”

Faced with numerous articles that are quite precisely intended to criticize the follies and foibles of humanity, the Urban Occupants have oft reverted to a number of amusing-yet-empty platitudes and attacks, including the following Pulitzer-worthy juggernauts:

“Totally FAKE news!”

Well played with the all caps, kind sir. We hate to be the ones to tell you, but satire isn’t exactly supposed to be real. Maybe that’s why the dictionary definition specifically includes an exaggeration of the truth?

“There’s nothing useful about writing something like this! It’s not funny… This should be illegal!”

We agree. F*** the First Amendment. While we’re at it, f*** America. And f*** democracy. Let’s just let this woman run the internet. Sic Semper Tyrannis!

“It’s not even funny. So you look stupid for writing stuff like this.”

It’s 2017, ma’am. Let’s stop starting sentences with a conjunction. If you’d like, you can take a minute to Google “conjunction.” [Jeopardy Theme Song]. Now that you’re back, we just want you to know that we aren’t going to stop writing stuff like this. And we aren’t stupid.

“QUESTION IS…WHY WOULD SOMEONE CREATE THIS POST IN THE FIRST PLACE????????????”

Please stay where you are. We are sending medical personnel to retrieve you, because you appear to have just fallen and landed on the damn question mark.

“I’ve never read an article from this publication that’s funny.”

Funny, we’ve never seen a profile picture from you that doesn’t look like a bitch. Quirks happen.

We hope this guide has been helpful in understanding satire. If you still don’t get it, just flip on back to Two And A Half Men reruns, which are probably more your speed.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Euthanization Clinic Set for Homeless on Public Square

MURFREESBORO, TN – Several business owners in Downtown Murfreesboro have joined forces to host a Euthanization Clinic for the Poor, which will provide a compassionate response to the growing problem of homelessness in Rutherford County.

“We have become increasingly concerned with the homeless population on the Murfreesboro Square,” said one business owner. “This image is hurting our downtown area and we need to try and clean it up.”

Many business owners agreed that there is a problem, but could not settle on a solution. The group considered several proposals, including criminalizing homelessness, tazing the poor, or distributing blankets infected with smallpox, before settling on a Euthanization Clinic, somehow believing that you can just make all these people go away.

It is worth noting that the group failed to discuss reasonable solutions such as housing programs, job training, and access to education, or investing time, effort, or resources to help build community.

“Sure, being homeless is hard, and worrying about where your next meal comes from is stressful,” said one downtown resident, “But these people look just awful to my customers, and the Euthanization Clinic gives them a way out.”

According to preliminary plans, the Euthanization Clinic will have two phases. In Phase One, a clinic participant will be sorted into “Worthless” and “Only-Kinda-Worthless.”

In Phase Two,  participants deemed “Worthless” will be either put down humanely or loaded into a van and dropped in the middle of Downtown Nashville.

In Phase Two, participants deemed “Only-Kinda-Worthless” will be sent to Camp Homeless, a year-round summer camp for the poor, which includes free room and board, concrete walls, barb wire fencing, and physical activities, such as road building, license plate hammering, and the creation of Soylent Green.

“Camp Homeless is a great opportunity for these people to get the hell out of my sight,” said one business owner, who declined to comment on the shocking similarity between Camp Homeless and a prison or concentration camp.

“They’re gonna have a blast,” he added. “And they’re gonna get away from my business, which is the most important thing.”

The Euthanization Clinic for the Poor will be held on Saturday, August 12, on the Public Square, after which time this place can start to look like a proper business district again.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page. 

Man Running Late Takes Most Thorough Shower of His Life

Noting the paradoxical nature of his actions, Murfreesboro resident Shelby Critchelow, 27, reported Friday that he’d taken the most thorough shower of his life despite already running thirty minutes late to a first date at Bar Louie.

“My showers naturally follow the Rule of Four, so I don’t know what came over me,” Said Critchelow, referring the commonly understood mathematical principle that no matter how long it takes a man to shower, the actual amount of linear time ends up being about four minutes.

On this particular trip into the shower, Critchelow found himself methodically going over every surface of his body in an obsessively detailed manner. “I used soap on parts of my back and legs that haven’t been scrubbed in well over a decade,” he added. “Out of nowhere, a washcloth even showed up, so I tried it out.”

This point is notable, as it shows the bachelor going against years of his own practice of never actually using a washcloth when provided with one; instead opting to run it under the sink after lathering it up with a bar of soap in an effort to make people think he was a normal human being and not a deranged savage who prefers using a raw bar of soap to more hygienic bathing practices.

Speculating as to the reasons behind the aberration, Critchelow could not point to a single factor, although theories include the possible use of a new bar of soap, a long overdue changing of his razor cartridge, and the fact that “#selfie” by the Chainsmokers had just started as he stepped into his shower.

At press time, Critchelow had gotten to Bar Louie an hour late, which didn’t seem to bother his date, who’d also been tardy due to the fact that she spent forty-seven minutes sitting on her bed in a bath robe staring at a blank wall before deciding to get ready.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Report: Woman Turns Blinker On While Waiting to Buy Gas, Means Business

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to several witnesses, a Rutherford County woman waiting to fill up her gas tank at Dodge’s Store has now turned her blinker on to make sure everyone at the service station know she means business.

“I wasn’t really sure if she was here to cash a check or buy Fried Chicken and Jojos,” said Hugo Chavez, 25, who arrived only five minutes earlier. “But as soon as I saw that she’d turned on her blinker and put her car into park less than two feet from my rear bumper, I put two and two together.”

Chavez was one of a number of Dodge’s patrons awestruck by the cold, no-nonsense approach to purchasing fuel.

“I don’t get any of this,” said Heather Jarvis, 31. “Look at Angela Merkel over there buying gas at 9:30 on a Monday night and acting like we’re in the middle of a Carter-Era energy crisis.”

The most disturbing report of the incident, however, comes from the mysterious ice queen’s actions right after Chavez left the Dodge’s parking lot.

“After the guy in front of her drove off, she started the pump and then went and sat quietly in her car with the blinker still on,” said Nellie Stanwyck, 21. “That surprised me because it didn’t seem to bother her. It was crazy. She wasn’t even scrolling through her phone. She just sat there, like a psychopath.”

Stanwyck later saw where the mysterious gas lady’s phone was located.

“It was in her trunk if you can believe it,” said a visibly disturbed Stanwyck. “I know my head would have f***ing exploded from the noise. ”

At press time, the woman had finished her task and pulled out onto Broad Street, her blinker still on, apparently headed to austerity vote about which reasonably-priced entree she was going to choose at Demos’ that night.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

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