Category: People & Places (Page 1 of 3)

Following Winter Storm, City Opens Mt. Trashmore Ski Lift

February 19, 2021 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Never one to shy away from opening a new revenue stream, Murfreesboro Mayor and fur coat connoisseur Sugar Shane McHarland announced Friday that the City of Murfreesboro is opening an in-season Ski Lift at the beloved Mt. Trashmore, a local waste facility used to bury anything from household trash to neglected results of expensive national job searches that the City Council probably wasn’t going to read anyways.

On Friday, following an unusually strong winter storm, the Mt. Trashmore Ski Lift opened to local fanfare, drawing considerably more attention to the local landmark than just the usual vagrants, environmental activists, pissed off neighbors, and illegal dumpers. 

“We see it as a win-win,” said Mayor McHarland. “For years, our residents have visited this cherished treasure, finding it by neither map nor marker, but by scent. Now, after all of this snow and ice have landed, those same residents can pair that unique travel destination with quality family time on the slopes.”

An initial draft of the Mt. Trashmore Ski Resort(TM) revealed two proposed entrances, a North Entrance from Jefferson Pike and a West Entrance from Lebanon Pike. Depending on which entrance is used, visitors can enjoy one of five unique slopes down the trash heap, each with what has been hailed the greatest view of trash this side of Shelbyville.

A $25.00 Day Pass includes unlimited trash dumping and access to all five resort areas: The Bunny Slope; the Old Tire Slope; the Used Needle Slope; the Oh Shit Probably Drugs in Here Slope; and the RIP Forrest Hall Slope.

McHarland added that the City will be offering a photo opportunity for all skiiers, including a special gold ribbon for those who make it to the bottom without contracting hepatitis.

When asked, McHarland conceded that the slope names may upset some.

“Nowadays, people are gonna bitch,” said McHarland, turning to fellow council member Roddie Martin. “Nothing we can do about that, can we hoss?”

“Come on Hot Rod,” McHarland added, sliding on his ski goggles . “Let’s hit the slopes.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at  [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

God Selects Peter Demos to Build Ark, Fight This Flood

February 12, 2020 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Peter Demos stood in the rain at a quickly-called press conference on Wednesday afternoon and announced that his immediate focus will shift from restaurant management to building an ark to save the City of Murfreesboro from oncoming floods.

“My mission in life and business has long been to provide exceptional food and service at affordable prices,” Demos told the four people walking by who noticed him standing in the rain holding a Little Tikes microphone set. “Now I have a new mission: to build an ark to protect the community from the great flood.”

According to Demos, God spoke to him while at the restaurant, which is where Demos knows God to spend most of his free time.

“God is normally at Demos’ for a quick lunch,” Demos noted. “He spends it with his buddies Earl and Clark from the tire shop. They tip well.”

Demos recounted that the Lord finished his soup, turned to Demos, and selected him to build an ark to save the community from torrential floods.

“That day, he enjoyed the Mexican Spaghetti, one of our finest meals,” Demos recalled. “You get the spaghetti, a side our delicious soup, and our baked rolls all for $5.99. It’s a great deal. In truth, we have many daily specials that are great deals. You’ve got the grilled Italian sausage spaghetti, the tilapia special, the chili stuffed potato…”

Demos spent about thirteen minutes reciting Demos’ lunch specials, during which time three of the four people in attendance left. After reiterating the great value at his restaurant, he returned to the topic at hand.

“God clearly charged me with building an ark and loading my family, my friends, and at least three months of hot chicken and rice soup on board,” Demos said.

“He digs the soup,” Demos added. “And who can blame him? It’s hot, it’s delicious, and it’s Southern Baptist approved.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Satire Writer Has Plenty of Cocaine, Asks for 39% More

June 6, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Renowned satirist, philanthropist, and philanderer Sam Clemens has a bold proposition for his followers and financial backers: a 39% increase in cocaine acquisition.

“When I set my annual budget this month, I started thinking about what I need in the coming year,” said Clemens, whose fiscal year begins June 7 each year because it’s a fake fiscal year for a fake newspaper. “The answer was pretty easy: more blow.”

Clemens made the announcement from his personal library, seated in front of a mound of cocaine that would make Scarface blush.

“Listen, I get that I could use the cocaine I already have,” Clemens added, frequently sniffling for no apparent reason. “But that’s not as fun. I’d rather blindly ask for 39% more and y’all can trust me– I’ll use it well.”

Clemens excused himself to tend to a nose bleed, during which the Tribune obtained a personal note from him, which read:

WHY I NEED 39% MORE

Growth

Parks

Think of the Children

SOCCER TOURNAMENTS

So Builders Won’t Have to Pay It

Upon Clemens return, he snatched the note away, coolly confirming that the 39% increase is all but a done deal.

“It’s the next big step,” Clemens quipped. “This place is booming!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Single People So Happy For You, Very Interested in Your Valentine’s Day Posts

February 14, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Recent interviews confirmed that all of your single friends are very interested in your Valentine’s Day posts on social media. According to various statements, the posts encourage your friends, inspire them to be better, and develop long term happiness.

Hank Sadd, a spokesman for the Murfreesboro Single Awareness League, reiterated that single people everywhere are just so damn happy for you.

“We love it,” Sadd said. “Every time you post about the flowers you received, the cards you gave, how happy you are with your significant other, and all of the great times you two have shared together, it just fills us up with happiness.”

Asked if posts of this nature may cause resentment, jealousy, or depression among single people, Sadd quickly denied any negativity.

“Of course not,” Sadd laughed, with an awkward, seemingly-forced smile. “Who told you that? Karen? Because she is a f***ing sociopath and I’m totally over her.”

Sadd left the interview to finish an eight page handwritten letter begging Karen to take him back.

Other SAL representatives declined to comment, instead spending their Valentine’s Day alone in thought, ruminating on past failed relationships, and drowning sorrows in cheap vodka.

“Seriously though, guys, we are so happy for you,” Sadd sobbed through tears. “Please keep mercilessly pounding us with your messages of happiness. It makes this made-up holiday so damn easy.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Satire Writer Gone for Weeks, Acting Like Satire is Just a Hobby

January 8, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a continuous disappointment to the four people who actually appreciate good satire, local satirist Sam Clemens is out here acting like his fake newspaper is just a hobby.

Clemens, known to the Murfreesboro community for his wit, charm, and virility, created a fake newspaper years ago that has generated enough popularity to pay him zero dollars and zero cents to date.

Over the past few years, Clemens has disappeared for weeks or months at a time on multiple occasions, including a notorious Facebook ban. Upon his return, Clemens often provides some far-fetched explanation that your great aunt thinks may not be entirely accurate.

“Where does he go for weeks at time?” Asked one commenter. “How can he just neglect satire writing like it’s just a hobby?”

Editor’s Note: Satire is actually just a hobby to Sam Clemens. Satire does not pay for rent, groceries, or Asian massage parlors (yet). If you have a complaint about his absence or vacation time, please see our Contact Page.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Group Gathers at Local Hospital, Protests Naming Newborn Baby “Raider”

January 3, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Protesters filled the parking lot of Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital on Thursday in opposition of newborn baby Raider Allen Johnson, born late Wednesday evening.

The protest focused on the name Raider, which protesters have called offensive, insensitive, and culturally unacceptable.

“The word Raider brings up all kinds of negative connotations,” said protester Thomas Jenkins. “We understand that there may be a perfectly legitimate reason for naming this child Raider, but the parents should understand that if some part of the community can be offended by another interpretation of a naming choice, that name has got to be stopped at all costs.”

Other protesters echoed that, while there may be a legitimate reason for the name, such as family lineage or just personal preference, the fact that the name could be loosely tied to racism means it should be banned from use.

“Listen, I’m all for Myleigh, Briley, Hexley, Hylee, Tyleigh, Aiden, Braden, Jaden, Kaden, Paiden, and all the other ways that white people can just destroy first names,” said protester Faith Killion, whose children, Payzlee and Braisley were also present. “But you keep that racist Raider bullshit out of here.”

When asked if she would approve the name Rayderr (with two “R” at the end), she immediately changed her tune.

“Wow that’s so unique and creative,” she said. “I really like it.”

At the time of this story, the protesters have asked the community to take a stand against this word, whether or not the parents meant it to be racist or not.

“It’s time to take a stand,” protesters yelled. “If we are offended, you should be too!”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Your Friend is on Vacation Right Now, In Case You Missed the 894 Posts

December 3, 2018 /

SOME TROPICAL PARADISE – According to the eight hundred and ninety-four social media posts, including two hundred and sixteen photos posted to Facebook, one hundred and thirty-two tweets, one hundred and fourteen Instagram photos, sixty-eight Snapchat stories, three check-ins on FourSquare (this is still a thing?!), and three hundred and sixty-one updates to an Instagram day, your friend is currently on vacation.

Your Friend’s Social Media Updates
Facebook Photos: 216
Tweets: 132
Instagram Photos: 114
Snapchat Story Updates: 68
FourSquare Check-Ins: 3
Instagram Day Updates: 361

“Just out here relaxing,” she wrote in post, somehow taking a picture while floating in the middle of the cruise ship pool.

“Wow, she must be really happy,” she said to herself, pretending that’s what her friends would think.

At the time of publication, it is unclear what is driving the social media frenzy. Possible sources include the inexplicable need to brag about your life on social media and other related causes, such as depression, loneliness, the need for emotional support from an internet provider, general instability, boredom, and keeping up with the Joneses on social media.

Happiness and contentment have been ruled out as contributing sources, as she may have put her damn phone down if she felt even a glimmer of either.

“It feels so good to unplug and relax!” she wrote in a follow-up post, while ironically forced to plug in her phone to provide power for continued social media updates.

UPDATE: she just posted seven more times. We cracked nine hundred!

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Group Resumes Steady Diet of Eating Its Own

November 20, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – A mere two months after granting the wish of so many and shuttering its doors, the Urban Occupants returned to Facebook with penchant for pettiness, launching an all-out polling war on news publications.

“It feels good to be back,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “It feels even better to be back and to be mercilessly fighting with each other over the most meaningless shit on earth.”

Taking a slow sip of hot tea, Frakes added: “Ah, it just feels right.”

On November 16, Urban Occupants Moderator Robby Wolfman Jr. created a poll to gauge the feelings of the group. Wolfman must have believed that the Urban Occupants, which will resort to threatening the lives of each other over the internal rules of a completely voluntary social media sub-group, would peaceably reach a consensus on one single issue, a feat that experts predict has occurred in this group a total of zero times.

Surprising no one in the world, the poll created even more division, leading to personal attacks, general anxiety, and inexplicably entitled demands for immediate action from a set of volunteer moderators.

“We demand action now!” wrote one commenter, who regularly enjoys the unpaid work of the moderators, but now expects these same unpaid moderators to work-for-free even faster.

As of the time this article is published, debates endlessly rage over trash pickup, historic district rezoning, meat sales, and religious liberties.

Welcome back, Urban Occupants.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Group Shuts Down, Finally Hates Itself As Much As We Do

September 13, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “irreconcilable conflicts with basic norms of human decency,” the Urban Occupants, a relatively inconspicuous group of self-obsessed rabble rousers, closed its proverbial doors on Thursday, fueling speculation by absolutely no one as to why it happened.

“All good things come to an end,” said Urban Occupants Moderator Will Frakes. “So do awful things. And so do things that are worse than awful, like this group of soulless savages.”

The move surprised approximately three people who had ever come in contact with the group. Everyone else knew how toxic the group had become and each nodded in approval when the group finally shut its doors.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes, so too will these constant complainers find another page to complain. Until then, use your imagination to fill your life with people unnecessarily injecting politics into your life or complaining about any type of new construction that could ever exist with thirty square miles of their home.

Hats off to you, Urban Occupants. You will be missed.

Then again, we aren’t sure who will miss you, but maybe someone.

Maybe.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Social Media Update: CrossFit Douche Currently Working Out

August 6, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Recent social media posts have confirmed that Full-Time CrossFit Instructor and Amateur Instagram Model* Wod Wodley is in fact working out right now.

“Out here making GAINS!” Wodley posted on Instagram, accompanied by a picture of him throwing a tire at a Renaissance-era archery target (the fuck?).

Wodley followers had reached fever pitch about his six hour absence from social media prior to the post.

“It’s not like Wod to stay off of Instagram for more than thirty minutes or so,” said Rachel Hendrix, a CrossFit Enthusiast and Wodley Disciple. “I mean look at his body!”

At the time of print, Wodley was last seen juggling tire irons (uh what?) in between sets of burpees.

“This is f***ing fantastic,” commented Dr. James Archer, an orthopedic surgeon in Murfreesboro and avid fan of absurd form and reckless exercise.

“Keep it up guys,” Archer added. “I need some more torn up knees and shoulders to put my kids through college.”

* By “Instagram Model” The Murfreesboro Tribune is using the Webster’s Dictionary definition, which borrows heavily from Urban Dictionary, as follows: “An extreme selfie taker, usually with a nice body, an empty bank account, and hopes of a celebrity paying attention at some point.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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