MURFREESBORO, TN – In what Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland heralded as “the most cooperative meeting we’ve ever had,” members of the Murfreesboro City Council on Monday held a first reading of the list of possible candidates deemed unworthy enough to lend their name to the much-maligned “Bridge Over Broad Street” project.
Several council members have noted that no one wants to have the Broad Street Bridge named in their honor, as the thirty-seven year construction project has quickly become one of the most despised structures in Rutherford County.
The smattering of current and former officials, unloved local celebrities, and Murfreesboro criminal defense lawyers that were named, one by one, during the raucous four-hour meeting represent a “who’s who” of people that the entire city would happily applaud if seen either rotting on top of Mt. Trashmore or emblazoned on the side of a $17 million TDOT overpass.
The City Council roundly agreed that no current Council Member would be allowed to have their names chosen for the bridge, a measure that Councilman Don Young simply read three times at a rapid rate of speed while other Council Members said “Not It” as quickly as possible.
The bridge project was almost named the Councilman Eddie Silverman Overpass, as he was last to say “Not it” on the first reading—an error that he attempted to hide with the use of a garish pastel shirt and tie combination, which made no fashion sense at the early September meeting.
In what this reporter can only call the most enjoyable thing since sharing a dram of laudanum with a cousin of the fairer sex, each member of the City Council giddily wasted no time in an effort to highlight some of the biggest pieces of shit that Rutherford County has to offer, which made for the best evening I’ve had since I moved here from Baltimore.
Unfortunately there is not enough space in a Sunday New York Times, let alone the humble Tribune, to list each and every name heard in the meeting, but I have included some of the more interesting quotations for readers’ benefit:
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I think everything in this city should be named after me, but please do not honor my sacrifices here—at this time. Give it to Bob Darnold. He has my vote.” – Councilwoman Straddlin’ Madelyn Hales
“Usually I can think of at least fifty ways to come up with a more complicated solution, and as you know I’m not afraid make us discuss them right now, but I’ll be quick. My vote is Loveless Bridge. Wait, no, Zavisa Bridge.” – Councilman Diamond Bill Hackett
When the meeting adjourned, Eddie Silverman sulked off in the direction of the Greenway, likely to discharge a firearm into the air, which is how he unplugs after a long night of being responsible, as the good Lord intended.
Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at firstname.lastname@example.org.