Category: Local Government

Two City Employees Retire After Winning Nigerian Lottery

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stroke of luck, it appears that at least two city employees recently won the Nigerian Lottery, per City of Murfreesboro email records.

Debbie Vincent, 46, and Mike Hammons, 52, submitted letters of resignation on Friday after various emails confirmed that each had won a stake in the “NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES.”

On Wednesday, July 5, Vincent and Hammons received similar emails from the International Claims Department of Nigeria, which sounds like a legitimate business.

We are pleased to inform you that you are one of the declared winners of the NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES held on JULY 1, 2017, in the 2nd category. We have made many unsuccessful attempts to contact you regarding this winning. You are therefore entitled to a sum of $17,000,000.00. This is from the total prize money of $170,000,000.00 US DOLLARS that was shared and presented among the other 10 declared 2ND CATEGORY winners.

“I’m still in shock,” said Vincent. “I cashed the check they sent me and made sure to send the Nigerian Lottery my City of Murfreesboro User ID and Password, which they said was required to claim my money. Now I’m rich!”

“PCB,” said Hammons, walking out of City Hall after turning over a copy of his employee identification card. “Had to send the original employee card to the Nigerians to claim my prize. I’ll catch you bitches on the flip side.”

In unrelated news, two branches of the City of Murfreesboro Emergency Services were crippled by ransomware hacking last week.

Murfreesboro Vice Mayor Twitter Tirade: HR Director “Low IQ,” “Crazy”

Murfreesboro Vice Mayor Straddlin’ Madeline Hales went on a Twitter tirade Thursday after former HR Director Lynn Goodwin said that Hales caused the City of Murfreesboro to fire Goodwin earlier this month.

The feud began over a pay scale readjustment from several few years ago. City employees felt their raises weren’t high enough (even though most American workers hadn’t seen a raise in more than a decade and had to work two jobs to make as much as a city employee) and complained about having to work too much (even though they get every bank holiday, federal holiday neighborhood bat mitzvah, and every other Friday off).

On Thursday, a letter written to City Manager Roarin’ Rob Lyons from Goodwin’s attorney was made public to local media, in which Goodwin’s attorney, Jack Jayson, accused Hales of pressuring Goodwin to give raises to her friends. When Goodwin refused, she got him fired, the attorney said.

“Hales demanded he take action to favor these employees. In my opinion, her actions could be a violation of the city charter,” Jayson alleged in the letter. “This was an unprecedented move by the city.”

“There are many, many more specifics that I will forgo detailing at this point still hoping some resolution can be reached without litigation,” he continued, presumably elbowing and winking at the reader.

In response, a potentially unhinged Hales took to Twitter (@RealStraddlinMadeline) and railed against Goodwin, the City of Murfreesboro, and men in general, calling Goodwin “low I.Q.” and “crazy,” among other things.

 

In twenty-seven subsequent tweets, Hales called Goodwin many, many names, like “pathetic,” “sad,” “a loser,” “liar,” and “fake news.”

When contacted for comment, Hales’s spokeswoman, Sarah Chucklebee, responded that the councilwoman to entitled to her response, and yelled to no one “this is a witch hunt!”

The response from Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland was almost as useful.

“This is a management issue,” he said, while genuflecting to Roarin’ Rob Lyons. “I can’t be bothered to comment otherwise.”

In response to his firing Goodwin has retained counsel and filed a request for Family Medical Leave from the City of Murfreesboro, to which the Murfreesboro Legal Department responded in an all caps email, “YOU CAN’T TAKE FMLA AFTER YOU’VE BEEN FIRED!”

Jack Jayson sees things differently. “We’ll see about that,” Jayson said, when asked about FMLA leave.

The Tribune will stay abreast of this developing situation.


Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at nell.e.bly.tribune@gmail.com.

Facebook Page Claims City Manager Fired, Post Later Deleted

A Facebook post by the group Tennesseans Against Corruption incorrectly asserted that Murfreesboro City Manager Robbie “Roarin’ Rob” Lyons lost his job. The post was later deleted, but the post nonetheless sent shockwaves through the six people who regularly check the page.

Our man Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you thought about the potential firing of Roarin’ Rob.


From the Street: What do you think about the potential firing of Roarin’ Rob Lyons?

“I’m not sure why anyone would choose to fire Mr. Lyons. After all, the City Council stonewalls everything he and the city staff does anyway, which is just as effective and they all still get salaries out of it.”
Tommy Grabb, Former Elected Official

“That reminds me to go online and delete those depressing song lyrics I posted five years ago today.”
Chuck Bullery, Freelance Something-or-Other

“This is nonsense. Firing Lyons would mean the council worked together and actually made a decision; that hasn’t been done in months.”
Blocke Durfree, Local Attorney


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

City Council: Violence on Rise, Multi-Family Units Capped at Two Kids Per Home

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing an increase in violent crime through Murfreesboro, which has been most prevalent at multi-family apartment homes, the Murfreesboro City Council proposed Monday to limit the number of children allowed in a multi-family home.

“I think we all remember the Hobgood Cartel,” said an unnamed source within the City Council who serves as Mayor. “If we can limit the number of kids in these multi-family homes, I think we can get to the root of this senseless violence.”

Critics of the rising violence in Murfreesboro (as if there can be supporters of it, right?) have commented over and over and over and over that all of this violence is here because of apartments, and the City Council appears to have acted accordingly.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Criminal Expert, which we assigned by just tallying up the writer who has been arrested the most, thinks that this attempt to limit crime has about the same likelihood of success as, oh, arbitrarily limiting the number of units that can be built in one development.

The Criminal Expert prepared an official report, penciled on the back of his Hardee’s napkin, that said:

We think that capping the number of children who reside in a multi-family home has the same likelihood of success as capping the number of units in a proposed development. After all, blindly picking one variable in a multi-variable problem and excessively limiting that variable is one of the best-known recipes for success.

This story is developing (pun intended, he shoots he scores!).

City Council to Appoint Late Councilman’s Barber to Vacant Seat

MURFREESBORO, TN – In an email reviewed by the Murfreesboro Tribune on Monday, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland wrote that the City Council is leaning towards appointing Cecil “Clips” Baker, a barber in Murfreesboro, to replace the late Councilman Big Don Young.

Young passed away last year, leaving the Murfreesboro City Council with only six members. The Council has three principal options to move forward: hold a special election (the voters decide), appoint a replacement (the Council decides), or leave the seat vacant (ain’t nobody decide).

“The Council decided that, more than anything, we need a replacement that knew Big Don,” Mayor McHarland wrote in a press release last week. “It’s more important that the replacement knew Big Don than it is that the individual has knowledge, experience, or input from the voters. That’s for sure.”

The City Council recently pondered the appointment of the late Young’s wife to the seat, which is probably the most politician-like thing to do. After all, the council has made it clear that the most important feature of a new council member, who is tasked with oversight of a budget that controls hundreds of millions of dollars, is that the appointment creates a warm-and-fuzzy story that won’t upset the voters.

A new development arose Monday when Mayor McHarland sent a private email to his wife, which The Tribune hacked, intercepted, and read (as we do with all his email, Facebook messages, Amazon orders, and telegrams). McHarland wrote to his wife that the City Council is now planning to appoint Clips Baker, the longtime barber of Big Don Young, to the vacant seat.

“I think we’re making the right choice,” McHarland wrote to his wife. “Clips just knew [Big Don Young] really well, and we all think that the safest political decision we can make is to appoint someone who knew him well, so the community will just say ‘aw, that’s nice,’ and forget that we are tasked with working hard, making difficult decisions, and providing for the well-being of hundreds of thousands of people.”

Clips Baker works at the Tippy Top Shop Barber Lounge on the Murfreesboro Square, where he had cut Big Don Young’s hair for the past seventeen years. He is licensed by the Cosmetology and Barber Examiners.

This story is developing.

Murfreesboro Mayor: Share This Post or the City Will Execute a Puppy

MURFREESBORO, TN – In an interview Wednesday, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland appeared to threaten the life of Darnold, a three month old basset hound that is presently in the care of the City of Murfreesboro. Darnold is a touch slow, but was somehow still selected for this position.

Below is an excerpt from the controversial interview:

Q: Can you share what your position as Murfreesboro Mayor means to you?

A: I’m happy to share. Murfreesboro Mayor means a lot to me and my family. This post has been held by some incredible citizens, whether it’s Hollis Westbrooks, Richard Reeves, or Tommy Bragg. The best part of my day is waking up to serve the City of Murfreesboro. It is my encouragement at night and what will get me out of bed in the morning. But this isn’t a one person job. It takes a special group of people to execute the tasks required for this city to fire on all cylinders, and I am blessed to have that in the Murfreesboro City Council. It’s a privilege and an honor to serve with these folks every day.

Q: One more thing. Can you say the word ‘puppy’?

A: Did you say puppy?

Q: Yeah, I think we have what we need.

Stay with the Tribune as this story develops. Live coverage of the Darnold Memorial Service will be held once the heartless bastards on Facebook fail to share this post and Darnold walks the green mile.

City Council: Broad Street Bridge Better Be Named for Someone Who Sucks

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland heralded as “the most cooperative meeting we’ve ever had,” members of the Murfreesboro City Council on Monday held a first reading of the list of possible candidates deemed unworthy enough to lend their name to the much-maligned “Bridge Over Broad Street” project.

Several council members have noted that no one wants to have the Broad Street Bridge named in their honor, as the thirty-seven year construction project has quickly become one of the most despised structures in Rutherford County.

The smattering of current and former officials, unloved local celebrities, and Murfreesboro criminal defense lawyers that were named, one by one, during the raucous four-hour meeting represent a “who’s who” of people that the entire city would happily applaud if seen either rotting on top of Mt. Trashmore or emblazoned on the side of a $17 million TDOT overpass.

The City Council roundly agreed that no current Council Member would be allowed to have their names chosen for the bridge, a measure that Councilman Don Young simply read three times at a rapid rate of speed while other Council Members said “Not It” as quickly as possible.

The bridge project was almost named the Councilman Eddie Silverman Overpass, as he was last to say “Not it” on the first reading—an error that he attempted to hide with the use of a garish pastel shirt and tie combination, which made no fashion sense at the early September meeting.

In what this reporter can only call the most enjoyable thing since sharing a dram of laudanum with a cousin of the fairer sex, each member of the City Council giddily wasted no time in an effort to highlight some of the biggest pieces of shit that Rutherford County has to offer, which made for the best evening I’ve had since I moved here from Baltimore.

Unfortunately there is not enough space in a Sunday New York Times, let alone the humble Tribune, to list each and every name heard in the meeting, but I have included some of the more interesting quotations for readers’ benefit:

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I think everything in this city should be named after me, but please do not honor my sacrifices here—at this time. Give it to Bob Darnold. He has my vote.” – Councilwoman Straddlin’ Madelyn Hales

“Usually I can think of at least fifty ways to come up with a more complicated solution, and as you know I’m not afraid make us discuss them right now, but I’ll be quick. My vote is Loveless Bridge. Wait, no, Zavisa Bridge.” – Councilman Diamond Bill Hackett

When the meeting adjourned, Eddie Silverman sulked off in the direction of the Greenway, likely to discharge a firearm into the air, which is how he unplugs after a long night of being responsible, as the good Lord intended.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Candidate Who Never Cared About Voting Now Really Wants You to Vote

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Election Day, Murfreesboro! That time of year where strangers jump into our personal space to explain how they are going to save America by serving on our local road board.

In a surprising turn of events, a guy that you have known for years, who has never mentioned state or local elections one time, even in passing or on social media, has evolved into a passionate advocate for involvement in state and local elections, with an emphasis on everyone voting for him.

Meet Jesse Pinkel, Candidate for Murfreesboro City School Board. Jesse, 34, is an accountant with Dewey Dickham & Howe. Prior to this year, Jesse was unaware that this city even held elections. However, now that he is running for office, he believes that you and every red-blooded American should fight earth, wind, and fire to get to your polling station on election day.

Pinkel has posted approximately eight hundred and sixty-seven status updates to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram since yesterday morning, which no one close to him has had the heart to tell him have earned his campaign the combined love and affection generally given to posts from Plexus and That Crazy Wrap Thing.

Recently, Pinkel took a bold stand in the election, offering services to orphans in exchange for votes, but passively threatening orphans if you don’t get on this make-school-boards-great-again train.

Pinkel

Polls will close at 7:00 p.m. tonight, at which time Pinkel will let his Facebook followers know whether he loves them all or plans to burn this place to the ground.

Citizens Demand District Representation for Whore Houses

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Election Commission will consider a petition to change the current location of whore houses throughout Murfreesboro, at the request of local entrepreneur Luther “Sweet Lou” Shirley.

The recent request to change the structure of a seven-member all at-large elected Murfreesboro City Council inspired Sweet Lou, who describes himself as a “talent manager,” to seek equal distribution of whore houses throughout the city.

According to Sweet Lou, it’s impossible for whores who all live on one side of Murfreesboro to serve the entire city. He seemed disinterested in the fact that the current whore houses have led to tremendous growth and success in the city.

“There are over 100,000 people who live in this town spread out over fifty square miles,” said Sweet Lou, “and they should all have access to my women.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team found that the seven whore houses that currently serve Murfreesboro are all located within two miles of each other in North Murfreesboro.

Sweet Lou is worried that automotive technology may not provide a way for hookers to travel quickly from one side of town to the other. He is also concerned that hookers may struggle to find some form of modern telecommunication to interact with potential customers in different parts of the city.

“How people gonna get to my hoes?” asked Sweet Lou. “You got seven houses on the same block running women and I’m up here across town wondering where my ladies at. I don’t care that the current setup works. ‘Dem hoes need to live here.”

The seven whore houses currently serving the City of Murfreesboro include:

Longford Lounge
Owner: Sugar Shane McHarland
2911 Longford Drive

The Hideaway Off Jones
Owner: Hot Rod Washington
1107 Trinity Drive

Prestige Worldwide
Owner: Big Don Young
1746 Somerset Drive

Boats ‘N Hoes
Owner: Fast Eddie Silverman
707 Woodmont Drive

Ladies’ Choice
Owner: Straddlin’ Madeline Hales
511 Archer Avenue

Buckingham Palace
Owner: Tricky Dick LaChance
1414 Buckingham Drive

All Good at Glenwood
Owner: Diamond Bill Hackett
1006 Glenwood Drive