Category: Local Government (Page 1 of 2)

Following Winter Storm, City Opens Mt. Trashmore Ski Lift

February 19, 2021 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Never one to shy away from opening a new revenue stream, Murfreesboro Mayor and fur coat connoisseur Sugar Shane McHarland announced Friday that the City of Murfreesboro is opening an in-season Ski Lift at the beloved Mt. Trashmore, a local waste facility used to bury anything from household trash to neglected results of expensive national job searches that the City Council probably wasn’t going to read anyways.

On Friday, following an unusually strong winter storm, the Mt. Trashmore Ski Lift opened to local fanfare, drawing considerably more attention to the local landmark than just the usual vagrants, environmental activists, pissed off neighbors, and illegal dumpers. 

“We see it as a win-win,” said Mayor McHarland. “For years, our residents have visited this cherished treasure, finding it by neither map nor marker, but by scent. Now, after all of this snow and ice have landed, those same residents can pair that unique travel destination with quality family time on the slopes.”

An initial draft of the Mt. Trashmore Ski Resort(TM) revealed two proposed entrances, a North Entrance from Jefferson Pike and a West Entrance from Lebanon Pike. Depending on which entrance is used, visitors can enjoy one of five unique slopes down the trash heap, each with what has been hailed the greatest view of trash this side of Shelbyville.

A $25.00 Day Pass includes unlimited trash dumping and access to all five resort areas: The Bunny Slope; the Old Tire Slope; the Used Needle Slope; the Oh Shit Probably Drugs in Here Slope; and the RIP Forrest Hall Slope.

McHarland added that the City will be offering a photo opportunity for all skiiers, including a special gold ribbon for those who make it to the bottom without contracting hepatitis.

When asked, McHarland conceded that the slope names may upset some.

“Nowadays, people are gonna bitch,” said McHarland, turning to fellow council member Roddie Martin. “Nothing we can do about that, can we hoss?”

“Come on Hot Rod,” McHarland added, sliding on his ski goggles . “Let’s hit the slopes.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at  [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Shock Report: Libertarians Oppose Tax Increase and Will Yell at You About It

June 12, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning report released by the Murfreesboro Tribune Social Media Investigations Unit, local libertarians are pretty damn pissed about a proposed tax increase and hold a 99.986% chance of yelling at you about it.

“I always thought that the liberty crowd was so friendly,” said Murfreesboro resident Ronnie Paul. “I’ve never seen any libertarian over-sharing on social media to the point of getting almost universally blocked, sharing absurd and widely-debunked conspiracy theories, decrying the two-party system, or suspiciously over-stocking a doomsday bunker. They’ve always been so kind and non-confrontational about politics.”

A field study conducted by the Tribune found the following range of responses when an unknowing citizen or unlucky social media user inadvertently engaged a libertarian about a potential tax increase:

99.986% – Libertarian Yelling
63.642% – Libertarian yells about taxes
22.381% – Libertarian yells about government in general
8.218% – Libertarian yells about the two-party system
5.745% – Libertarian yells about the rising threat of authoritarianism

0.014% – Other Libertarian Actions
0.011% – Libertarian engages in poetry slam about the welfare state
0.004% – Libertarian shares excerpt of Ron Paul themed erotic fiction

“This report confirms what we have believed for a long time,” said Tribune Reporter Ron Cato. “Individuals who share libertarian political articles and memes possess staggering odds of yelling at you about increasing taxes.”

“Be informed,” Cato added. “And be ready.”

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Rainstorms Threaten Hot Rod Martin’s Hair, Mayor Declares State of Emergency

February 20, 2019 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Shane “Sugar Shane” McHarland declared a City-Wide State of Emergency on Wednesday morning, citing continued rainfall and its effects on the public health.

“The City of Murfreesboro has been battered by rain for what seems like years,” Mayor McHarland told a small group of reporters this morning. “At this time, we are in need of emergency reserves to combat the weather and its effects on city employees.”

While Mayor McHarland declined to provide specifics, a source close to the City Council confirmed that the emergency declaration came shortly after Councilman Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was caught in a rainstorm during his morning commute, but did not have an umbrella for protection.

According to confidential sources, the rain pelted Martin’s signature hairstyle, threatening the overall handsomeness of the Murfreesboro City Council and forcing Mayor McHarland into action.

“We have used the emergency funds to invest in proper rain protection for all city employees, including Councilman Martin,” McHarland added after being asked for comment. “For the sake of God and country, his hair must remain undisturbed by the elements.”

This story is developing.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Taxpayers Pretty Excited About Paying for Lip Sync Battle

August 14, 2018 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last week, the Murfreesboro Police Department and Murfreesboro Fire Department released a Lip Sync Challenge Video, a riveting addition to the peaked-weeks-ago law enforcement viral challenge performed entirely by city employees who are paid through your generous, even if forced, tax contributions.

Citing “numerous requests on social media,” including requests from the Captain, the Sergeant, and McGruff the Crime Dog, the fully-publicly-funded departments hastily launched an ill-advised voyage into low budget cinematography.

“We might have been a little late to the game,” said Police Department Spokeswoman Melinda Knight Shyamalan, “but I think the public will see that it was well worth the wait.”

“We all agreed that this video production was much more important than fighting crime or serving the public good,” Shyamalan added, echoing taxpayer praise for the practical equivalent of a summer camp skit being performed with public resources.

City employees, whose wages are paid entirely through mandatory citizen taxes and the sweet mercy of the Lord, collaborated with country rapper Big Smo “to add a WOW factor,” according to Shyamalan.

“We wanted a celebrity,” said Fire Department Media Strategist Martina Scorsese. “But not just any celebrity. We wanted someone that ninety-six percent of the country would have to google to figure out who the hell he even is.”

The finished product, hailed as “the whitest thing since Prairie Home Companion,” features enough head nodding and awkward thrusting to sufficiently piss off the preacher from Footloose.

The Murfreesboro Tribune obtained a leaked copy of the directorial notes, which instructed city employees to “nod along like you’re at a middle school dance” and “try and act like your one black friend.”

“I think it’s hilarious,” said Nora Jennings, whose trailer on Tennessee Boulevard burned to the ground while fire trucks were being used across town to lift an obscure country rapper and his matching flag off the ground.

“Definitely worth it,” Jennings wheezed between smoke-filled coughs.

At the time this article is written, Shyamalan and Scorsese hinted that the departments may collaborate on a Harlem Shake video next to show how cool and topical and hip they are.

“But only if we can do it on the clock,” Scorsese added with a wink.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

TDOT to Close Bridge Over Broad, Cites Safety Concerns

December 22, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning turn of events on Friday, the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that the Bridge over Broad Street will be closed indefinitely, pending a comprehensive safety investigation.

“At this time, the Bridge over Broad Street will be closed to all traffic,” TDOT Spokesman Bob Bridgeman announced on Friday morning. “We will release more details as they become available.”

UPDATE: The Tennessee Department of Transportation released the following statement on the Bridge over Broad Street closure:

Over the past six days, the Tennessee Department of Transportation and local law enforcement agencies have received at least four different reports of trespassing, loitering, and vandalism on the east side of the Bridge over Broad Street.

Further investigation revealed that, on at least three separate occasions, City Councilman Fast Eddie Silverman interfered with traffic and verbally abused nearby drivers so that he could spray paint his name on the overpass. Silverman initially spray painted “Eddie Silverman for Mayor” on the overpass and, despite authorities scrubbing the paint from the overpass, Silverman returned to write “The Eddie Silverman Bridge” in large block letters.

At this time, the Tennessee Department of Transportation does not believe that the Bridge over Broad Street has the proper safety restraints to be open and accessible to the public. Councilman Silverman has not been located and, despite repeated attempts to explain the improbability of his mayoral election, he appears intent on naming the bridge after himself and announcing his candidacy for mayor.

This story is developing.

County to Relocate Confederate Monument on Murfreesboro Square

August 21, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In the midst of a nationwide backlash towards Confederate monuments, Rutherford County announced plans on Monday morning to relocate the Confederate Monument on the square in Murfreesboro.

The nationwide discussion about Confederate monuments erupted this month after a white supremacist drove a vehicle into a group of “counter-protesters” (which is a thing in 2017), killing one and injuring many others.

The controversy struck Murfreesboro last week when several protesters draped a blanket over the Confederate Monument on the Murfreesboro square, dealing a crushing blow to racism and likely causing permanent damage to the statue

News broke over the weekend that the public has organized a community meeting, the most proven method of getting-shit-done on the local level, to address the confederate monuments. Experts predict that the meeting is severely unlikely to result in people who like to hear themselves talk domineering the conversation and arguing with each other.

On Monday morning, seemingly aware that a community meeting would force the county into action, Rutherford County issued a press release announcing a bold relocation plan:

At this time, Rutherford County has decided to relocate the Confederate Monument on the Murfreesboro Square. The Monument will moved to the top of the Rutherford County Historic Courthouse, in place of the weather vane, to make sure that the people here know that we are about America and the Civil War.

We recognize that many citizens are out there defending the Confederacy on social media as if the North just invaded again and we appreciate that. We want our citizens to know that we hear you. We know that the Civil War is very important in history, that you aren’t racist, and that people offended by the monument should just get used to it by now.

Details are yet to be released as to the date, time, and location of the proposed relocation, but several protesters have reported a willingness to put video game playing and government check cashing on hold to be present for a protest.

Reached for comment, County Mayor Bernie Sturgess said, “I can confirm that we have a Confederate Monument here, but I’ve got a state senate election to worry about, so my only comment would be that I love America.”

Here at The Tribune, we find this decision morally reprehensible. We prefer to take selected historical figures and assess their decisions, which were made hundreds of years ago, in the lens of modern morals. This seems like the only fair route. And if you disagree you are racist.

Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Two City Employees Retire After Winning Nigerian Lottery

July 10, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stroke of luck, it appears that at least two city employees recently won the Nigerian Lottery, per City of Murfreesboro email records.

Debbie Vincent, 46, and Mike Hammons, 52, submitted letters of resignation on Friday after various emails confirmed that each had won a stake in the “NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES.”

On Wednesday, July 5, Vincent and Hammons received similar emails from the International Claims Department of Nigeria, which sounds like a legitimate business.

We are pleased to inform you that you are one of the declared winners of the NORTH AMERICA NIGERIA LOTTERY SWEEPSTAKES held on JULY 1, 2017, in the 2nd category. We have made many unsuccessful attempts to contact you regarding this winning. You are therefore entitled to a sum of $17,000,000.00. This is from the total prize money of $170,000,000.00 US DOLLARS that was shared and presented among the other 10 declared 2ND CATEGORY winners.

“I’m still in shock,” said Vincent. “I cashed the check they sent me and made sure to send the Nigerian Lottery my City of Murfreesboro User ID and Password, which they said was required to claim my money. Now I’m rich!”

“PCB,” said Hammons, walking out of City Hall after turning over a copy of his employee identification card. “Had to send the original employee card to the Nigerians to claim my prize. I’ll catch you bitches on the flip side.”

In unrelated news, two branches of the City of Murfreesboro Emergency Services were crippled by ransomware hacking last week.

Murfreesboro Vice Mayor Twitter Tirade: HR Director “Low IQ,” “Crazy”

June 30, 2017 /

Murfreesboro Vice Mayor Straddlin’ Madeline Hales went on a Twitter tirade Thursday after former HR Director Lynn Goodwin said that Hales caused the City of Murfreesboro to fire Goodwin earlier this month.

The feud began over a pay scale readjustment from several few years ago. City employees felt their raises weren’t high enough (even though most American workers hadn’t seen a raise in more than a decade and had to work two jobs to make as much as a city employee) and complained about having to work too much (even though they get every bank holiday, federal holiday neighborhood bat mitzvah, and every other Friday off).

On Thursday, a letter written to City Manager Roarin’ Rob Lyons from Goodwin’s attorney was made public to local media, in which Goodwin’s attorney, Jack Jayson, accused Hales of pressuring Goodwin to give raises to her friends. When Goodwin refused, she got him fired, the attorney said.

“Hales demanded he take action to favor these employees. In my opinion, her actions could be a violation of the city charter,” Jayson alleged in the letter. “This was an unprecedented move by the city.”

“There are many, many more specifics that I will forgo detailing at this point still hoping some resolution can be reached without litigation,” he continued, presumably elbowing and winking at the reader.

In response, a potentially unhinged Hales took to Twitter (@RealStraddlinMadeline) and railed against Goodwin, the City of Murfreesboro, and men in general, calling Goodwin “low I.Q.” and “crazy,” among other things.

 

In twenty-seven subsequent tweets, Hales called Goodwin many, many names, like “pathetic,” “sad,” “a loser,” “liar,” and “fake news.”

When contacted for comment, Hales’s spokeswoman, Sarah Chucklebee, responded that the councilwoman to entitled to her response, and yelled to no one “this is a witch hunt!”

The response from Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland was almost as useful.

“This is a management issue,” he said, while genuflecting to Roarin’ Rob Lyons. “I can’t be bothered to comment otherwise.”

In response to his firing Goodwin has retained counsel and filed a request for Family Medical Leave from the City of Murfreesboro, to which the Murfreesboro Legal Department responded in an all caps email, “YOU CAN’T TAKE FMLA AFTER YOU’VE BEEN FIRED!”

Jack Jayson sees things differently. “We’ll see about that,” Jayson said, when asked about FMLA leave.

The Tribune will stay abreast of this developing situation.

Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at [email protected].

Facebook Page Claims City Manager Fired, Post Later Deleted

June 27, 2017 /

A Facebook post by the group Tennesseans Against Corruption incorrectly asserted that Murfreesboro City Manager Robbie “Roarin’ Rob” Lyons lost his job. The post was later deleted, but the post nonetheless sent shockwaves through the six people who regularly check the page.

Our man Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you thought about the potential firing of Roarin’ Rob.

From the Street: What do you think about the potential firing of Roarin’ Rob Lyons?

“I’m not sure why anyone would choose to fire Mr. Lyons. After all, the City Council stonewalls everything he and the city staff does anyway, which is just as effective and they all still get salaries out of it.”
Tommy Grabb, Former Elected Official

“That reminds me to go online and delete those depressing song lyrics I posted five years ago today.”
Chuck Bullery, Freelance Something-or-Other

“This is nonsense. Firing Lyons would mean the council worked together and actually made a decision; that hasn’t been done in months.”
Blocke Durfree, Local Attorney

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at [email protected].

City Council: Violence on Rise, Multi-Family Units Capped at Two Kids Per Home

June 19, 2017 /

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing an increase in violent crime through Murfreesboro, which has been most prevalent at multi-family apartment homes, the Murfreesboro City Council proposed Monday to limit the number of children allowed in a multi-family home.

“I think we all remember the Hobgood Cartel,” said an unnamed source within the City Council who serves as Mayor. “If we can limit the number of kids in these multi-family homes, I think we can get to the root of this senseless violence.”

Critics of the rising violence in Murfreesboro (as if there can be supporters of it, right?) have commented over and over and over and over that all of this violence is here because of apartments, and the City Council appears to have acted accordingly.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Criminal Expert, which we assigned by just tallying up the writer who has been arrested the most, thinks that this attempt to limit crime has about the same likelihood of success as, oh, arbitrarily limiting the number of units that can be built in one development.

The Criminal Expert prepared an official report, penciled on the back of his Hardee’s napkin, that said:

We think that capping the number of children who reside in a multi-family home has the same likelihood of success as capping the number of units in a proposed development. After all, blindly picking one variable in a multi-variable problem and excessively limiting that variable is one of the best-known recipes for success.

This story is developing (pun intended, he shoots he scores!).

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