Category: Local Events (page 2 of 2)

Local Events: Fight a Homeless Guy (and Other Things to Do This Weekend)

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Fight a Homeless Person
Nothing gets your heart racing like a good old-fashioned fight to the death. For added excitement, throw some jagged sticks between you and Gary, the lovable hobo.

2. Kick the Neighbor’s Dog While No One Is Looking
Let’s be honest: how long have you secretly wanted to punt that little dog like a soccer ball? Stretch thoroughly, just to be safe, and give Buddy a swift kick in the ribs. Just make sure the owner isn’t looking or you’ll have a Gary-the-Hobo caliber brawl on your hands.

3. Join in Recess at a Local School
Who didn’t love kickball as a kid? This weekend, join in the Friday recess kickball game, whether the kids want you there or not. If the kids talk back, point at a nearby van and ask if they’d rather take this fight elsewhere. Trust us. Works like a charm.

4. Quietly Resent Your Spouse
Because who the fuck does she think she is?

5. Eat at Golden Corral

Bonnaroo Report: It’s Still Cheaper to Just Do Drugs in an Empty Field

MURFREESBORO – According to a report released by the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team on Thursday, it is still cheaper to just do drugs in an empty field than to attend the 2016 Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival.

Bonnaroo offers live music, social activities, and copious amounts of recreational drug use, including marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, MDMA, acid, LSD, mushrooms, amphetamines, adderall, benzos, cough medicine, whippits, low-grade beaver tranquilizers, and Uncle Buck’s Pocket Candy.

Bonnaroo enthusiast Molly Coke is one former music festival attendee that decided to forego Bonnaroo this year in favor of simply standing in an empty field and doing experimental drugs.

Coke estimates that the cost for a weekend at Bonnaroo is nearly $1,000.00, which includes $600.00 for tickets, $100.00 for food and supplies, and $300.00 for various hippie wares, such as rainsticks, dream catchers, and assorted arts and crafts.

In comparison, Coke estimates that the cost of standing in an empty field and doing drugs is minimal, as it requires nothing but the cost of drugs. Depending on the drug, Coke says that the price ranges from several hundred dollars to the mere performance of a backyard sammie for the cashier at the neighborhood bodega.

“I thought about going back to Bonnaroo,” said Coke. “But let’s be honest, I’m just there for the drugs. Instead of dealing with filthy hippies, meditation circles, and hackey sack contests, I’ll just do drugs in this vacant lot.”

The Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the ecstasy used by Coke was legitimate. Three Team Members left for a warehouse rave and we lost Phil, but it was a hell of a ride.

Jazz Fest Attendees Love Jazz Music as long as Tailgating is Allowed

MURFREESBORO, TN – The 20th Annual Jazz Fest was held this past weekend on the Murfreesboro Public Square. Attendees expressed a sincere appreciation for all of the subtle nuances and finer parts of jazz music.

“My favorite thing about jazz music is drinking keg beer from a trash can,” said Amelia Cartwright, a self-proclaimed jazz enthusiast. “Being able to kick back in a camping chair and play drinking games with your friends really brings out the beauty of jazz.”

When asked to list their favorite thing about jazz music, attendees named several prominent features of jazz music, including carnival food, the annual beer pong tournament, and drinking wine straight from the box.

“My favorite part was the wet t-shirt contest,” said MTSU sophomore Austin Yates. “Miles Davis and Louis Armstrong would be proud of the way those perky, ice-cold nipples complemented a sax solo.”

Event Organizers praised the record-setting attendance at Jazz Fest as proof that the community has truly embraced jazz music.

“When I see a young man reach into his cooler, pour liquor into an unmarked cup, take a hit of his finest cheeba, and chow down on some carnival food, I can tell that he is here for jazz music,” said Karen Norris of Main Street Murfreesboro.

City officials began cleanup on the Murfreesboro Public Square shortly after the event ended, working to clear trash and debris in the street, overturned garbage cans, and toilet paper thrown over the Historic Courthouse.

“It’s a typical jazz concert if I’ve ever seen one,” said Mike Ripa, the director of the cleanup. “Our crew found an inflatable swimming pool filled with marshmallows, a police cruiser set on fire, and some people passed out in the street. This place loves jazz music.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department located several used needles in the street, at least six decapitated stuffed animals in the bushes, and the remnants of an active meth lab in a nearby port-a-potty.

“It was the best Jazz Fest yet,” said Karen Norris. “The focus was one hundred percent on jazz music. I have no doubt about that.”

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