Category: General News (page 1 of 2)

July 5th Truce Declared to Recover Bodies of Fallen Fireworks

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “mutual interests in respecting the fallen,” rival  gangs of young street toughs in the Garrison Cove subdivision declared a truce on Wednesday from 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., so that each may recover fallen fireworks from an explosive July 4th firefight.

“I have never seen more explosions than this year,” said Jayden Wayne, a member of the Murfree Bombers, which controls most of the lemonade imports throughout North Murfreesboro. “We spent months preparing, knowing it was coming, and now all that’s left is a mess in the streets.”

“We know they’re running lemonade on our turf,” said Bryleigh Franklin, a member of the Rutherford Originals, which holds complete control of the lunch snack black market in local elementary schools. “And some day, we will take revenge for that. But we all know that the right thing to do is to clean up the streets.”

It is common in battle for competing sides to declare a truce to allow each side to recover its fallen soldiers, and the street toughs in Murfreesboro are no exception.

“Today is not a day for fighting,” said Skylar Riggs, of the Murfree Bombers. “Tomorrow will come, and then our sides will return to war. At some point, there is only so many Pokemon cards to go around.”

No child cared to comment on whether The League of Make-Believe is involved in the mayhem, as the neighborhood lives in fear the shadowy crime syndicate that operates a drug smuggling ring throughout Middle Tennessee.

This Post is Just a Picture of Demos’ Soup

Murfreesboro Tribune Welcomes Diversity Hire Nell E. Bly

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune is both proud and obligated by federal law to welcome Investigative Journalist Nell E. Bly to the sexiest news establishment in Middle Tennessee. The Investigative Journalist job duties include being pretty, fetching coffee, interviewing coaches at halftime, and and going undercover when necessary to see the inner workings of businesses and organizations that may be up to no good.

Bly, who was hired voluntarily, and not to avoid a lawsuit against what appears to be a bunch of white men writing angry news, brings a blend of creativity, sex appeal, and a willingness to handle news assignments that the men here don’t want to touch.

Bly took part in a Q&A with Managing Editor Sam Clemens because if she didn’t she was fired. Get to know her and welcome her to the crew.

Q&A with Nell E. Bly, Investigative/Girl Journalist

Welcome to the Tribune, Nell! What is your hometown?
Pittsburgh, PA.

Why did you become a reporter?
It was completely by accident. I read a column in a newspaper about how women should just stay where they belong, in the kitchen and the bedroom. I think Donald Trump wrote it. Or maybe it was a Rutherford Rant by famed journalist Scott Broden. I wrote a response to the column and the newspaper’s editor offered me a job. I didn’t have anything better to do, so I accepted. Over the years, I discovered I like dressing up, pretending to be other people and writing about it. That’s what led me to become a crack girl reporter.

You don’t look like most crack girls I hang out with on Friday nights. Why is that?
[Blank Stare]

How are you different from other reporters at the Tribune?
Well, I’m a girl for one. Sam Clemens wouldn’t know what to do with a girl if one fell on him. But that Eddie Poe, he’s a looker. I’m also smarter and better than they are.

[Short break for old-style fisticuffs]

What is the best thing you have ever done?
It’s a close tie between traveling the globe in seventy-two hours, pretending to be crazy to gain entrance to an insane asylum, and writing for the Murfreesboro Tribune. I’m looking forward to uncovering lies and the lying lairs who lie and exposing fake new across Murfreesboro.

How do you spend your free time?
Rooting out unregistered sex offenders by day and pounding gash by night.

What’s your idea of a perfect date?
That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot, not too cold; all you need is a light jacket.

If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?
An eggplant. Definitely an eggplant.

We’re Back: Poe Returns from Lavish Vacation with Your Exes

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe, writing about himself in the third person, confirmed Thursday that The Tribune, the only Rutherford County news publication you actually enjoy reading, is back from a long overdue and insufficiently restful vacation with not one—but two—of your former girlfriends.

“Facebook decided to put us on forced leave without adhering to the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993,” noted Poe. “Sam and I decided to enjoy our break by taking your former girlfriends on a whirlwind trip to Bali, Iceland, Prague, and Denver.”

For the past three months, The Tribune has been bogged down in a media battle as part of Mark Zuckerberg’s attempt to disentangle his social network from the fake news debacle that allowed Donald Trump to become elected president and Vladimir Putin to become de facto POTUS.

During the battle, Poe and Clemens decided to take your girlfriends for the ride of their lives, through several romantic and tropical destinations.

“They were amazing,” said Poe. “And I’m not talking about the cities we visited.”

When pressed for details, Clemens was notably more tight-lipped than Poe, which is more than we can say about your exes, who both cited a long dissatisfaction with your performance at work and in the bedroom as their reasons for quitting their jobs to romp around the globe.

The Tribune has confirmed that both of your exes currently recovering from sexual exhaustion at Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital. Make sure to plan your visit on a Tuesday or Thursday if you decide to go, because if we run into each other it would be awkward for everyone.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Shock Report: The Tribune is Back, Facebook Just Got More Arousing

MURFREESBORO, TN – A report published by the Murfreesboro Tribune Research Facility on Monday confirmed what several people, including Tribune employees, family members of Tribune employees, and three people who accidentally clicked to the site, have already discovered: The Murfreesboro Tribune is back on Facebook and this place just got real sexy real fast.

The thirty-seven page report detailed the past three months of Facebook activity, during which time The Tribune was banned, and during which time this community somehow survived without any local newspaper worth a damn.

“I can confirm that The Murfreesboro Tribune is back in publication and back on Facebook,” said Managing Editor Sam Clemens, likely to himself. “I also want to compliment Mark Zuckerberg, who is such a great guy. Make sure to include that in the article. He will read this and if I don’t say the right thing I get kicked out.”

The response from the Murfreesboro community has been overwhelming. In all, a whopping three people have noticed that the page returned.

Have a good idea for a story that needs to be covered? Send it to murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. Or don’t send it, and we will find you and your family.

NOTE: This story is developing. Check back often for an erotic blend of news, commentary, and the most cutting reporting this side of the Stones River.

Facebook Cracks Down on Fake News, Shuts Down Tribune

MURFREESBORO, TN – On January 7, 2017, the Facebook Police Department executed a search warrant on the Global Headquarters of The Murfreesboro Tribune, located in the corner booth of the Captain D’s on Broad Street. It was just one person sitting there, but the Facebook Security Cartel evidently places a high priority on preventing the carnage levied on the masses by small town satire sites.

As a result of the police raid, or as a result of some combination of absurdity, security practices, and numerous “flagged articles,” Facebook has indefinitely shut down The Murfreesboro Tribune Facebook Page.

Sure, the website could be shut down because some articles are offensive. Of note,  The Tribune actively skewers local elected officials and political positions, as satire tends to do, in a way that likely pisses off a large percentage of the electorate.

“This is a positive step for all things ridiculous,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, finally saying something on the twelfth day that I wouldn’t get off his lawn.

Zuckerberg neglected to explain how his security police flagged a satire website but failed to stop the seventy thousand goddamn clickbait sites that peddle garbage on the world wide web. We get it. At the three minute mark of that video, you completely lose your mind, but I’m not going to click on that shit just to go through a seventy-page slideshow of advertisements for one simple speeding trick that cops wish I didn’t know,

As of the publication of this post, the Tribune Editorial Team, comprised of one hobbyist who spends time writing fake news instead of enjoying life, has not decided whether it wishes to pursue verification of the website. Instead, the Editorial Team will likely just let the site ride off into the sunset to an unimaginative internet death, like Friendster, MySpace, and so many have done before.

UPDATE: We just checked and MySpace is still an actual website? Who goes on there? If you go on there, please email us so we can meet you, as your breed slowly goes extinct.

This story is developing, but the Editorial Team believes that it is critical that we comment on the ongoing investigation. After minutes of deep thoughts, the Editorial Team issues the following formal position:

To quote my boys Eazy E and Dr. Dre,, mother f*** the Facebook Police.

I’m just gonna set this microphone down right over here and keep writing fake news that no one reads.

Sam.

You’re Hung Over After Christmas, But At Least Your Family Is Gone

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s December 26th, the day after Christmas, and you had one too many a hot toddy last night to be waking up this damn early.

Your spouse is still asleep because his family didn’t come into town for the holidays and he is resting peacefully without the annoyance of family drama bouncing around in his head.

Your kids are awake and playing with toys because oh-my-God that’s all they do.

And you? You’re reliving the hangovers of your younger days, making sure not to move your head, or it may not stop spinning, and physically feeling every drop of whiskey that is coursing through your veins and bouncing around in your tummy.

Every other day of the year, this would be the worst morning in history. You can’t sleep, your spouse can, you feel like your spent the night drinking forties and smoking Pall Malls, and your kids won’t shut the hell up.

But no matter how bad today may be, you can lay your head back down in peace knowing one thing: your family is gone.

To where? Who cares? They’re not in your house anymore.

So wake up, pour a bloody Mary, and get to work reassembling your house. You can throw out Uncle Jerry’s spittoon and your nephew’s food plate that he refused to throw away even after your sister told him to (that little shit).

Merry Christmas from The Murfreesboro Tribune!

The Rhinestone and Real Nashville News Quit Satire, Feared Dead

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what residents describe as news about things they’ve never heard of, the editors-in-chief of The Rhinestone and Real Nashville News, a pair of middling satire newspapers that inconspicuously serve Nashville and surrounding areas, have presumably quit their jobs and are feared missing or dead.

The Rhinestone last published an article on August 18, 2016, twenty-eight days prior to the publication of this article. Real Nashville News, meanwhile, last posted to its Facebook page on August 14, 2016, a staggering thirty-two days ago.

The lapse in time, during which time the RMS Titanic could have crossed the Atlantic on six different occasions and still had time to sink to the bottom of the ocean, has the three people who know about these publications worried that tragedy may have struck two previously unknown D-List writers.

One Rhinestone reader speculated that the two writers went on The Bachelor, like every other radio host or dick specialist in Nashville. Another opined that the two bought a new house on a site where a historic home had been recently bulldozed, crammed into the space with four others, and were forced to work paid jobs to keep up with the Nashville Joneses.

Of course, it is possible that both authors went on vacation, despite being absent long enough for Al Roker to run a marathon 107 times (and he is sixty-two!). Such a vacation would be expected from these two likely junior college educated journalists.

The author of this article is not concerned. Some men can take heat. Some can’t. Others, like these two bitches, can’t take some pretty handsome competition just a stone’s throw down I-24.

The door is open, ladies. Taking all comers.

But seriously. Come back. We have had enough time to watch the entire Godfather trilogy over eighty four times and we still hate The Godfather Part III. Hot chicken shits simply can’t be this debilitating.

Murfreesboro Tribune Adds Beat Reporter Eddie Poe

MURFREESBORO, TN – At a press conference on Wednesday, the Murfreesboro Tribune announced the hiring of Beat Reporter Eddie Poe. The addition is being hailed by someone as “the most critical hire since the Continental Congress named George Washington Commander in Chief of the Continental Army.”

Poe is a native of Boston, by way of Baltimore. He studied at the University of Virginia and the United States Military Academy and most recently spent one hundred and sixty-seven years at the prestigious Westminster Hall in Baltimore.

Murfreesboro Tribune Founder, President, Editor, CEO, Catering Manager, and Marketing Director Sam Clemens praised Poe as an accomplished writer and an exceptional drunk, which Clemens claims will make Poe a valued addition to the Tribune.

“Not everyone can write fake news,” said Clemens. “It takes a special kind of person to create a pseudonym and skewer local news and events, all while living in your mother’s basement.”

At this point in the press conference, Clemens welcomed questions from the press, but the press just kept making pancakes. By the press, we mean Sam’s mother, who was the only attendee at the press conference, which was called in her kitchen while Sam ate breakfast.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter is a new position at the Tribune. Clemens announced that the Beat Reporter will likely cover local news, local events, and other pressing issues, including what kind of nachos taste the best when high on PCP and how to sleep your way to a Tribbies Award.

You can reach Eddie Poe at EddiePoeTribune@gmail.com.

Dancing, Alcohol Erupt at Church of Christ Wedding

LASCASSAS, TN – On Saturday, John and Sarah Covington exchanged vows at North Point Stables in Lascassas, Tennessee. Michael Covington, the father of the bride, serves as an elder at a local Church of Christ; his wife, Jane, leads the ladies’ small group that meets on Wednesday nights.

Wedding guests were treated to a beautiful ceremony at the rustic barn on the premises; however, reports of dancing and alcohol at the reception that followed left many attendees in shock.

Around 8:00 p.m., one witness observed members of the bridal party pouring unknown liquids into the wedding punch, which was later served to reception guests.

It is unclear how long the event lasted, but unnamed witnesses confirmed the presence of alcohol, dancing, and other lewd behavior at the reception. “It was like Catholic Mass,” said one guest, who wished to remain anonymous. “Everybody was drunk and no one seemed to care.”

“It was like a warzone,” said Edith Smith, the congregation gossip. “I’ve seen the devil’s nectar before. I’ve stared down gin, vodka, and all the tools of the anti-Christ.”

“I’ve seen this story before,” her husband, Franklin, interrupted. “The kids start playing with fire water and all hell breaks loose. Fire water!” Mr. Smith proceeded to ramble at length about the troubles posed by a kitchen in the church building.

Joan Griffith, a guest from another congregation, seemed unsurprised. “It is truly disappointing,” she remarked. “But I can’t say I’m surprised. That church has had a woman on their praise team for several months now, and I think we all know where that road leads.”

The Covington family declined to comment on the incident.

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