Category: General News (page 1 of 2)

Satire Writer Burns Through Severance Pay, Returns to Work

MURFREESBORO, TN – After four months of merciless debauchery, notable satire writer Sam Clemens has officially torched his severance pay and is begrudgingly returning to work at The Murfreesboro Tribune.

In late August, Clemens submitted his resignation to the remaining writers at The Tribune, who collectively elected to shut down the website in lieu of producing the shit-quality writing that a Clemens-less Tribune would undoubtedly possess.

After Clemens submitted his resignation, which was a completely free and voluntary decision to quit, The Tribune Editorial Board elected to give Clemens six f***ing months of pay to blow on hookers, weed, and poor life choices.

“We believe that Sam contributed a lot to our work,” said Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe. “He chose to quit his job and, as most businesses would agree, we thought it was appropriate to reward a quitter with six months of free money.”

The Tribune reached Clemens for comment, ultimately meeting him on the second floor balcony of the Jackson Inn, near a pile of burned out Mountain Dew bottles, plastic piping, and used needles.

“I’m glad to be back,” said Clemens, quoting himself in his own article like a genuine sociopath. “I don’t really have much else to do but sell my body and, I’ll be honest with you, the market for me is a little rough out here.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

July 5th Truce Declared to Recover Bodies of Fallen Fireworks

MURFREESBORO, TN – Citing “mutual interests in respecting the fallen,” rival  gangs of young street toughs in the Garrison Cove subdivision declared a truce on Wednesday from 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., so that each may recover fallen fireworks from an explosive July 4th firefight.

“I have never seen more explosions than this year,” said Jayden Wayne, a member of the Murfree Bombers, which controls most of the lemonade imports throughout North Murfreesboro. “We spent months preparing, knowing it was coming, and now all that’s left is a mess in the streets.”

“We know they’re running lemonade on our turf,” said Bryleigh Franklin, a member of the Rutherford Originals, which holds complete control of the lunch snack black market in local elementary schools. “And some day, we will take revenge for that. But we all know that the right thing to do is to clean up the streets.”

It is common in battle for competing sides to declare a truce to allow each side to recover its fallen soldiers, and the street toughs in Murfreesboro are no exception.

“Today is not a day for fighting,” said Skylar Riggs, of the Murfree Bombers. “Tomorrow will come, and then our sides will return to war. At some point, there is only so many Pokemon cards to go around.”

No child cared to comment on whether The League of Make-Believe is involved in the mayhem, as the neighborhood lives in fear the shadowy crime syndicate that operates a drug smuggling ring throughout Middle Tennessee.

This Post is Just a Picture of Demos’ Soup

Murfreesboro Tribune Welcomes Diversity Hire Nell E. Bly

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune is both proud and obligated by federal law to welcome Investigative Journalist Nell E. Bly to the sexiest news establishment in Middle Tennessee. The Investigative Journalist job duties include being pretty, fetching coffee, interviewing coaches at halftime, and and going undercover when necessary to see the inner workings of businesses and organizations that may be up to no good.

Bly, who was hired voluntarily, and not to avoid a lawsuit against what appears to be a bunch of white men writing angry news, brings a blend of creativity, sex appeal, and a willingness to handle news assignments that the men here don’t want to touch.

Bly took part in a Q&A with Managing Editor Sam Clemens because if she didn’t she was fired. Get to know her and welcome her to the crew.

Q&A with Nell E. Bly, Investigative/Girl Journalist

Welcome to the Tribune, Nell! What is your hometown?
Pittsburgh, PA.

Why did you become a reporter?
It was completely by accident. I read a column in a newspaper about how women should just stay where they belong, in the kitchen and the bedroom. I think Donald Trump wrote it. Or maybe it was a Rutherford Rant by famed journalist Scott Broden. I wrote a response to the column and the newspaper’s editor offered me a job. I didn’t have anything better to do, so I accepted. Over the years, I discovered I like dressing up, pretending to be other people and writing about it. That’s what led me to become a crack girl reporter.

You don’t look like most crack girls I hang out with on Friday nights. Why is that?
[Blank Stare]

How are you different from other reporters at the Tribune?
Well, I’m a girl for one. Sam Clemens wouldn’t know what to do with a girl if one fell on him. But that Eddie Poe, he’s a looker. I’m also smarter and better than they are.

[Short break for old-style fisticuffs]

What is the best thing you have ever done?
It’s a close tie between traveling the globe in seventy-two hours, pretending to be crazy to gain entrance to an insane asylum, and writing for the Murfreesboro Tribune. I’m looking forward to uncovering lies and the lying lairs who lie and exposing fake new across Murfreesboro.

How do you spend your free time?
Rooting out unregistered sex offenders by day and pounding gash by night.

What’s your idea of a perfect date?
That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot, not too cold; all you need is a light jacket.

If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?
An eggplant. Definitely an eggplant.

We’re Back: Poe Returns from Lavish Vacation with Your Exes

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe, writing about himself in the third person, confirmed Thursday that The Tribune, the only Rutherford County news publication you actually enjoy reading, is back from a long overdue and insufficiently restful vacation with not one—but two—of your former girlfriends.

“Facebook decided to put us on forced leave without adhering to the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993,” noted Poe. “Sam and I decided to enjoy our break by taking your former girlfriends on a whirlwind trip to Bali, Iceland, Prague, and Denver.”

For the past three months, The Tribune has been bogged down in a media battle as part of Mark Zuckerberg’s attempt to disentangle his social network from the fake news debacle that allowed Donald Trump to become elected president and Vladimir Putin to become de facto POTUS.

During the battle, Poe and Clemens decided to take your girlfriends for the ride of their lives, through several romantic and tropical destinations.

“They were amazing,” said Poe. “And I’m not talking about the cities we visited.”

When pressed for details, Clemens was notably more tight-lipped than Poe, which is more than we can say about your exes, who both cited a long dissatisfaction with your performance at work and in the bedroom as their reasons for quitting their jobs to romp around the globe.

The Tribune has confirmed that both of your exes currently recovering from sexual exhaustion at Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital. Make sure to plan your visit on a Tuesday or Thursday if you decide to go, because if we run into each other it would be awkward for everyone.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Shock Report: The Tribune is Back, Facebook Just Got More Arousing

MURFREESBORO, TN – A report published by the Murfreesboro Tribune Research Facility on Monday confirmed what several people, including Tribune employees, family members of Tribune employees, and three people who accidentally clicked to the site, have already discovered: The Murfreesboro Tribune is back on Facebook and this place just got real sexy real fast.

The thirty-seven page report detailed the past three months of Facebook activity, during which time The Tribune was banned, and during which time this community somehow survived without any local newspaper worth a damn.

“I can confirm that The Murfreesboro Tribune is back in publication and back on Facebook,” said Managing Editor Sam Clemens, likely to himself. “I also want to compliment Mark Zuckerberg, who is such a great guy. Make sure to include that in the article. He will read this and if I don’t say the right thing I get kicked out.”

The response from the Murfreesboro community has been overwhelming. In all, a whopping three people have noticed that the page returned.

Have a good idea for a story that needs to be covered? Send it to murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. Or don’t send it, and we will find you and your family.

NOTE: This story is developing. Check back often for an erotic blend of news, commentary, and the most cutting reporting this side of the Stones River.

Facebook Cracks Down on Fake News, Shuts Down Tribune

MURFREESBORO, TN – On January 7, 2017, the Facebook Police Department executed a search warrant on the Global Headquarters of The Murfreesboro Tribune, located in the corner booth of the Captain D’s on Broad Street. It was just one person sitting there, but the Facebook Security Cartel evidently places a high priority on preventing the carnage levied on the masses by small town satire sites.

As a result of the police raid, or as a result of some combination of absurdity, security practices, and numerous “flagged articles,” Facebook has indefinitely shut down The Murfreesboro Tribune Facebook Page.

Sure, the website could be shut down because some articles are offensive. Of note,  The Tribune actively skewers local elected officials and political positions, as satire tends to do, in a way that likely pisses off a large percentage of the electorate.

“This is a positive step for all things ridiculous,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, finally saying something on the twelfth day that I wouldn’t get off his lawn.

Zuckerberg neglected to explain how his security police flagged a satire website but failed to stop the seventy thousand goddamn clickbait sites that peddle garbage on the world wide web. We get it. At the three minute mark of that video, you completely lose your mind, but I’m not going to click on that shit just to go through a seventy-page slideshow of advertisements for one simple speeding trick that cops wish I didn’t know,

As of the publication of this post, the Tribune Editorial Team, comprised of one hobbyist who spends time writing fake news instead of enjoying life, has not decided whether it wishes to pursue verification of the website. Instead, the Editorial Team will likely just let the site ride off into the sunset to an unimaginative internet death, like Friendster, MySpace, and so many have done before.

UPDATE: We just checked and MySpace is still an actual website? Who goes on there? If you go on there, please email us so we can meet you, as your breed slowly goes extinct.

This story is developing, but the Editorial Team believes that it is critical that we comment on the ongoing investigation. After minutes of deep thoughts, the Editorial Team issues the following formal position:

To quote my boys Eazy E and Dr. Dre,, mother f*** the Facebook Police.

I’m just gonna set this microphone down right over here and keep writing fake news that no one reads.

Sam.

You’re Hung Over After Christmas, But At Least Your Family Is Gone

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s December 26th, the day after Christmas, and you had one too many a hot toddy last night to be waking up this damn early.

Your spouse is still asleep because his family didn’t come into town for the holidays and he is resting peacefully without the annoyance of family drama bouncing around in his head.

Your kids are awake and playing with toys because oh-my-God that’s all they do.

And you? You’re reliving the hangovers of your younger days, making sure not to move your head, or it may not stop spinning, and physically feeling every drop of whiskey that is coursing through your veins and bouncing around in your tummy.

Every other day of the year, this would be the worst morning in history. You can’t sleep, your spouse can, you feel like your spent the night drinking forties and smoking Pall Malls, and your kids won’t shut the hell up.

But no matter how bad today may be, you can lay your head back down in peace knowing one thing: your family is gone.

To where? Who cares? They’re not in your house anymore.

So wake up, pour a bloody Mary, and get to work reassembling your house. You can throw out Uncle Jerry’s spittoon and your nephew’s food plate that he refused to throw away even after your sister told him to (that little shit).

Merry Christmas from The Murfreesboro Tribune!

Elderly Facebook User Increasingly Suspicious of Fake News Site

MURFREESBORO, TN – Eighty-two year old Eunice Mays, described as “an avid lover of crossword puzzles,” recently joined the social networking website Facebook and may be receiving more than she bargained for.

According to family and friends, Mays is increasingly upset by offensive and outlandish content posted by her twenty-nine year old grandson, Jake Mays, much of which stems from some newspaper called The Murfreesboro Tribune.

Jake recently shared an article titled “Report: All Racism and Crime Now Donald Trump’s Fault.” A Report in the article says that Donald Trump caused all racism and Eunice knows that what the article says just isn’t true! She has been using racial slurs for a solid eighty years!

“We are a little concerned about mom,” said Tim Mays, Eunice’s son and Jake’s father. “I’ve noticed that she is posting some aggressive comments on Jake’s posts. They seem to get her a little worked up.”

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team uncovered multiple Facebook comments from Eunice Mays, in which she expresses skepticism about the Murfreesboro Tribune.

In one such comment, Eunice called the Murfreesboro Tribune “The Devil’s Newsletter” and repeatedly warned her grandson that the newspaper isn’t real.

“I’m not sure if this is real,” Eunice commented on an article titled “Murfreesboro Mayor: Share This Post or the City Will Execute a Puppy.”

She wrote extensively about her love for puppies, adding “I just don’t think Shane McFarland would do that!”

The Murfreesboro Tribune reached out to Eunice for comment, but she refused to speak, saying that she isn’t sure if we are real or not.

Report: No One Cares About Your Kid’s Halloween Costume

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to a newly released report from the University of Tennessee, research has shown that not a single damn person cares about all those pictures of your kid’s Halloween costume.

The University of Tennessee Department of Obvious Information released the report, aptly titled the Spare Us Oh Gods of Social Media Report.

The Report makes various findings, which include:

  • Your kid is not the cutest kid in the world.
  • Your kid probably isn’t even the cutest bumblebee, tiger, piggy, bunny, puppy, kitty kat, princess, porcupine, rugby player, or drunk taxi driver at Halloween this year.
  • Your kid looks the same in the fortieth picture as he did in the first, so let’s leave those last three hundred out of the album.
  • Your spouse looks miserable. Let’s stop taking pictures and tend to your marriage.
  • No one on social media gives a shit about your kid’s pictures.
  • For every person who stops to “like” your picture on social media, approximately thirteen more think “wow this person may have a diagnosed oversharing disorder.”

Mothers on social media immediately criticized the report because, seriously, look how cute their kid is in that outfit!

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