Category: Crime (page 2 of 3)

Alabama Fan’s Home Defaced with Vegetables, Weight Loss Cookbooks

MURFREESBORO, TN – Vandalism rocked Murfreesboro again on Thursday when vandals struck a local trailer park and draped steamed vegetables on the door handles of a trailer belonging to Billy Kipp, a well known University of Alabama Football fan.

The vandals also spray painted the phone number of a GED completion program on the side of the trailer and littered healthy lifestyle weight loss cookbooks throughout the yard.

The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating the vandalism as a hate crime and have contacted appropriate federal authorities.

“We think it is clear that the vandals know the materials that are morally repugnant to Alabama Football Fans, including health, hygiene, education, and overall likeability,” said Detective Sow Bryant.

“I’m not sure what to think,” said Kipp, between wheezing breaths. “I know the thirteen Alabama Football decals on the side my trailer and the Roll Tide flags hanging on every corner of the house let people know who lives here.”

“Roll Tide,” Kipp added, even though no one said anything to him about anything.

Kipp told The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team that he has heard of vegetables before, but his regular diet of Velveeta cheese, sweet tea, pork rinds, and Sun Drop doesn’t make room for them.

The University of Alabama Alumni Association issued a statement denouncing the vandalism as inconsistent with the fabric of Alabama Football Fans:

The University of Alabama is deeply troubled and saddened by the vandalism against the homes of our fans. This is a deliberate act of hate. We truly appreciate the immediate show of support and solidarity from our fellow fans, who undoubtedly also have obnoxious shit all over their yard and vehicles. However, we are still saddened that this happened in the first place.

A vigil is planned on Friday evening in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Roebuck Avenue. More details are forthcoming.

MTSU Student Arrested, Charged with Being Black and from Memphis

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department raided an apartment near the Middle Tennessee State University on Monday and arrested Kedrick Jones, a twenty-two year old MTSU student who is tragically and unacceptably both black and from Memphis.

In recent weeks, MTSU has been afflicted by a series of off-campus shootings and criminal occurrences, many of which occur at nearby apartment complexes, and the community has been quick to respond with broad vagueries and baseless conclusions that this is all happening because of Memphis.

“With this arrest, we are hoping to send a message,” said Murfreesboro Police Department Spokesman Reginald White, III. “Memphis needs to stop sending its crime here. And by crime we mean black people. Stop sending your black people here.”

The social media response to recent shootings and violence has been swift, passively racist, and oddly confident that rampant violence has nothing to do with the community in which it has happened.

“I’m talking about thugs from Memphis,” said one commenter online, conveniently concluding that every single problem related to shootings and campus crime can be traced to Memphis, not the actual city in which the crime occurred.

“We need to fire MTSU President Ridley McPeak!” shouted another commenter at his computer screen. “All of these Memphis thugs are here causing this crime.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department heard the kinda-racist-but-maybe-not voices and responded accordingly, cracking down heavily on MTSU students from Memphis.

“I think people from Memphis will think twice before coming to Murfreesboro now,” said MPD Spokesman White. “They now know that this town will not stand for them trying to escape the inner city, better themselves, and earn an education. Not here. Not now. Not ever.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: In case you have not caught on by now, some people are actually arguing that recent criminal acts in Murfreesboro have happened all because of Memphis and have used that position to push the (possibly racially motivated) theory that Memphis people just need to stay out of Murfreesboro. Here at the Tribune, we find that kind of thinking absurd and we will use satire in all of its glory to expose and ridicule such closed-minded views. In other words, the names and events in this story are not real and are being used to ridicule the very position that seems to have inflamed the masses. Calm the hell down.

Sheriff Darnold’s Mother Upset That Jail is Actually a Jail

PRISONTOWN, KY – In news that surprises absolutely no one, Jeanette Keyeez, Sheriff Bob Darnold’s mother, is pretty upset that her son, who is being held in jail awaiting trial, is being treated like he is being held in jail.

Keyeez wrote a letter to the judge presiding over Darnold’s case, as if the judge hadn’t considered that Darnold’s mother might be upset when Darnold was sent to be held in a federal prison.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” wrote Sheriff Darnold’s Mother, seemingly unaware that her son’s day job prior to hawking e-cigs and playing knockaround with his wife was to hold inmates in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot square room for more than 80 days.

Keyeez wrote further that Darnold has not been able to watch television, eat ramen noodles, popcorn, candy, and soft drinks, or talk to the guards because the guards “don’t have time to talk.”

This is real life, boys and girls.

Here at The Tribune, we imagine that Keyeez likely took issue with several other policies at the Grayson County Detention Center, including:

  • The mini bar is not fully stocked.
  • The jail has no in-house shoe shine service
  • There is no free wifi
  • Inmates are forced to listen to Pandora with commercials
  • The Prison Mart only has red skittles, not Darnold’s preferred purple skittles
  • Several guards continue to discuss Game of Thrones spoilers without discipline

Just in case you were worried that Darnold would not receive the protection he deserves, Keyeez went ahead and took this thing to the top:

The Tribune has reached out to the entire federal government listed above, but has not received a response.

In related news, Vice President Biden was pretty upset to not receive a copy of the letter.

Man Stabbed on Black Friday Over $3 Toaster: “Totally Worth it”

MURFREESBORO, TN – A fight erupted at the Old Fort Parkway Walmart early Friday morning over a flash sale of low-quality off-brand toasters. During the fight, 46-year-old Jack Kerowitz got his hands on a toaster, but was stabbed twice in abdomen. According to Kerowitz, he came out a winner.

“I’m just excited to have got such a good deal,” said Kerowitz while strapped to an ambulance gurney, still bleeding from his stomach. “These things are normally ten dollars, and I got it for less than five!”

Walmart Security was unable to identify the perpetrator who stabbed Kerowitz in the stomach, but store employees have created a list of suspects, which includes Kerowitz’s own wife, who appeared upset at missing out on the toaster deal.

“I don’t really have nothing to say,” said Melanie Kerowitz, Jack’s wife, while she conspicuously folded a pocket knife and slid it into her purse. “I’m pretty upset I didn’t get a toaster and now I have to hear it from Jack that he got one and I didn’t.”

St. Thomas Rutherford confirmed that Jack Kerowitz was admitted to the hospital early Friday morning with non-life-threatening injuries and that he remains there, but declined to comment further, citing medical confidentiality.

Despite the hospital being jackasses about it, the Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team reached Kerowitz later Friday morning and he seemed to be in high spirits.

“You ever had soft bread before?” Kerowitz asked. “I don’t have to deal with that shit anymore. I’ll be here a couple days to get patched up, but this was totally worth it.”

Sheriff Darnold Suspended, Can Now Focus 100% on Jail Shank Whittling

PRISONVILLE, KY – A federal judge ruled Monday that embattled Rutherford County Sheriff Bob Darnold will be suspended from his position without pay, effective immediately, which paves the way for Darnold to focus on his newly-acquired prison career: shank whittling.

Darnold has been incarcerated in federal prison in Kentucky for several weeks now, during which time the taxpayers in Tennessee have continued to pay his salary.

While being paid full salary, Darnold lived the life of an inmate, spending time in the rec yard, rolling cigarettes with the homies, and, most importantly, whittling fashionable-but-affordable prison shanks.

Now that a federal judge has removed Darnold from any job responsibilities related to law enforcement, which he hadn’t really been doing anyways, Darnold can focus solely on his budding shank empire. According to insider sources and current friends in prison, the average prison shank sells for two cartons of cigarettes or six days of hired protection.

“It’s a great day for the taxpayers of Tennessee,” said some nameless attorney who represented some nosy taxpayers. “We can now move forward in this case with peace of mind that Sheriff Darnold is handling only prison sales.”

“Let me clarify,” said attorney-lady, quickly recognizing that her words may be confusing. “He can focus on prison sales of shanks, not e-cigarettes.”

Sheriff Darnold seemed relieved at the ruling, as if suddenly liberated from the mindless tasks of operating one of the largest employers in Rutherford County and instantly allowed to devote his full attention to his passion for stabby jail things.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team was unable to reach Sheriff Darnold for comment. He was last spotted filling out Mad Libs in his jail cell.

Police Investigating Spike in Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating a breakout of “Lifelong Chicago Cubs Fans” throughout Rutherford County.

Around 11:00 p.m. last night, authorities claim that social media erupted with unprecedented fits of Cubs fandom, often from individuals who had never before posted about the Chicago Cubs.

“It’s important for the community to remain calm,” said MPD Spokesman Harry Kerry. “We are confident that these lifelong Cubs fans will soon lose interest, especially if the Cubs stop winning.”

Social media posts were often accompanied by references to curses and billy goats, which has caused authorities to label the breakout as some kind of sorcery or witchcraft.

“We aren’t taking these reports lightly,” added Kerry. “Animal sacrifice and rituals is a hot button issue in this town and we will investigate fully.”

Reports indicate that the typical Lifelong Cubs Fan is a lifelong resident of Middle Tennessee, tied to the Chicago Cubs by nothing except a television and a desire to be part of an underdog story. Lifelong Cubs Fans also often have a fabricated story from their childhood that loosely ties them to the franchise, providing an excuse for shameless bandwagon hopping.

An unnamed source in the Murfreesboro Police Department indicated that police expect the spike in Lifelong Cubs Fans to decline quickly, as Lifelong Cubs Fans turn to other sports and remember that they are also Lifelong Alabama Football Fans, Lifelong Kentucky Basketball Fans, and Lifelong Dallas Cowboys Fans.

The author of this article has looked at ESPN once and decided that he too is a Lifelong Cubs Fan. That looks like fun! Scoot on over and make room on the bandwagon, boys and girls. It’s great to cheer for a champion!

Clown Abduction Reported in Downtown Murfreesboro

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department announced Wednesday that it is actively investigating a clown abduction in Downtown Murfreesboro.

According to MPD Spokesman Ron McDonald, authorities received a phone call on Wednesday morning that Popsy, the lovable neighborhood clown of Downtown Murfreesboro, had been abducted.

“The information that we have at this time indicates that Popsy was walking on South Front Street near Cannonsburgh Village when he was abducted,” McDonald said, fighting back tears. “At some point, witnesses believe that Popsy was lured into a nearby wooded area by a group of elementary age boys and, after that, his friends were unable to locate him.”

The abduction continues a series of recent reports of minor children luring or attempting to lure clowns away from friends and into the woods. Just last week, Dumpty, a local clown and entertainer, called the police after three boys offered him candy to step into the woods near Black Fox Elementary School.

“These children need to understand that it isn’t funny to pretend to be dangerous just to drive up clown paranoia,” said John “Giggles” Howard, the President of the Tennessee Clown Association, in a telephone interview with The Tribune. Giggles spoke over the phone because, let’s be honest, clowns are creepy as all get out and the author of this article didn’t feel like going face-to-face with a curious mystery of white makeup, a  red nose, and hollow eyes that hold the fear of an entire nation.

“We believe the art of clowning is something to be treasured and enjoyed by audience’s worldwide,” Giggles added. “And we are f***ing terrified.”

The Downtown Community will hold a vigil on Wednesday evening to demonstrate unity and call for Popsy’s safe return. Attendees are encouraged to bring stickers, flowers, and toy guns with “BANG” ribbons inside.

Anyone with information related to this clown abduction is encouraged to contact local law enforcement and make a full statement. Popsy’s family is offering a $12.00 reward for information that leads to his safe return. The family would offer more, but clowning doesn’t pay like it used to.

Nashville OKs Weed; Don’t Worry Guys, Murfreesboro Still Going to Heaven

MURFREESBORO, TN – Nashville’s Metro Council made history last month when it passed legislation to allow civil penalties for possession of small amounts of marijuana.

The bill, which was intended to provide relief to low-income and minority residents, allows police the option to reduce the penalty for a small amount of the sticky icky to a $50 fine and community service, an option that police will tragically, ironically, and inevitably use to further discriminate against low-income and minority residents.

In Murfreesboro, citizens are concerned that the growing influence of wacky tobacky may compromise the wholesome family values of Rutherford County, which are promoted fairly heavily in Rutherford County, even if it requires sweeping rampant drug use and low-income neighborhoods under the rug of society.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what Murfreesboro residents think about the Nashville Metro Council selling its soul to the devil for some of that sweet sweet cheeba.

From the Street: What do you think about the Nashville Metro Council passing a bill to allow decriminalization of marijuana possession?

“This will just make it easier to have two justice systems, one for real criminals, and one for those of us that like to puff on a little binger of jazz salad and get higher than a bat’s ass.”
Corey Janke, Marijuana Enthusiast.

“If I’d known that potential tax revenue effectively eliminates personal sins, I’d have started working at Enchanted Planet years ago.”
Jasmine Wakefield, Sales Associate at Enchanted Planet.

“I just hope none of those hippies decide to come down to Rutherford County with their Strawberry Diesel, Blue Dream, or Afghan Kush. Using nouns as adjectives is for wimps and commies.”
Winston Cutcliffe, Farmer.

“Awesome. It lets the police officer act on his own discretion. No one is better at ignoring instinct than a police officer.”
James Tarver, Unlikely to be given Civil Penalty.

Sheriff Secures New Rent-Free Office as Inmate at Local Jail

NASHVILLE, TN – After years of hard work, Rutherford County Sheriff Bob Darnold has moved his work station to the Davidson County Jail, securing a rent-free office as an inmate being held against his will.

Darnold has spent years working to obtain a rent-free jail cell, using such methods as the repeated commission of flagrant and public misconduct. Initially, Darnold simply allowed his officers to act inappropriately. However, Darnold soon realized that he would have to blend public corruption and private incompetency if he wanted to lock down a rent-free office in a local jail cell.

“The office of County Sheriff has a number of administrative functions,” Darnold told the media Wednesday, reading off a card to make sure he pronounces the big words right. “One part of my job is a budget, and I’ll tell you that moving my office to the jail will save this county some money.”

Darnold tried to move his office in May of this year after being indicted in federal court for fourteen counts of some pretty obvious criminal conduct. However, some do-gooder posted a bond so that he could not unpack in the jail. Now, after Darnold and his wife played truth or dare with a purple nurple double dare, a judge has finally seen enough and said that he should go to jail like any normal person in his same position would be forced to do.

“It’s a bold strategy to move his office to the jail,” said Murfreesboro resident John Doe, a Darnold supporter who was too embarrassed to release his true identity. “But Bob has made a habit of good decisions, as long as you don’t count the decisions that other people can see.”

Darnold’s new office is six feet wide and eight feet deep, with a rustic steel door and room for a small milk crate desk. The office also features a private restroom where others can just stand nearby and watch you poop.

While the office lacks natural light, there is alternate lighting available, which provides enough of a faint glow to remind those who use the office that it also serves as the jailhouse library and a place where dreams go to die.

The public reaction to the move has received a mixed response from the public. Some noted the reduced cost at the Davidson County Jail. Others pointed out that this man likely a fucking criminal so why the fuck are we still paying him a salary to be in jail?

Darnold informed the media that he intends to move the remainder of the Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office into the C-Block, where he is currently housed. When reached for comment, Sheriff’s Office employees said “Fuck Off, Bob! If you got a problem, come get us! Oh, that’s right. You can’t!”

Organic Meth Lab Discovered Under Sprouts Parking Lot

MURFREESBORO, TN – Organic enthusiasts in Rutherford County have more to celebrate at the new Sprouts Farmers Market in Murfreesboro than farm-grown quinoa and foraged kimchi.

After authorities in Amherst, New York, recently unearthed an active meth lab in a culvert that runs beneath a Walmart parking lot, local organic advocates made an entrepreneurial play of their own.

On Friday, in what appears to be an effort to outdo the soulless corporatism of Great Value fanatics (who now want to corner even the methamphetamine market), local police discovered an organic meth lab operating under Sprouts parking lot.

The response from the community has been mixed. Most citizens recognize that methamphetamine is pretty bad. What about that one jackass at the coffee shop who won’t shut up about his vegan cookie recipes? He’s all for it. It’s organic!

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team reached out to customers at Sprouts Farmers Market for input.

“Non-organic things kill you,” said Juniper Blossom, a mystic from Smyrna, who casually glossed over the dangerous and explosive nature of an active meth lab. “Watching these people commit to a healthy lifestyle of organic and non-GMO methamphetamine is inspiring.”

Willow Dawson, who currently studies gypsy fashion at Middle Tennessee State University, passed the meth lab on her way to purchase locally sourced, fair trade, gluten-free kale chips, and offered mixed sentiments.

“I’ve never tried meth,” said Dawson, “but I’m proud of these people for choosing organic.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department declined to comment on whether or not the architects of the organic meth lab will be given preferential treatment for preparing their goods in a manner that your relative who you didn’t ask for any advice will tell you is the right way to live.

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