MURFREESBORO, TN – A man dressed in a pinstripe suit wearing a fedora robbed the US Bank on Old Fort Parkway on Monday afternoon. The Murfreesboro Police are investigating the incident as at least two separate criminal offenses: Robbery with a Deadly Weapon and High Crimes Against Fashion.
“The real crime here is that fedora,” said Murfreesboro Police Department Spokesman Jacynn Mraz. “We understand that a bank was robbed, but, even worse than the robbery itself, we are dealing with the emotional devastation from the tellers, employees, and other customers having to look at that hat.”
“I mean, what was he thinking?” Mraz added in disbelief.
According to police reports, the suspect entered the US Bank at Old Fort Parkway and passed the teller a note demanding money. The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team obtained a copy of the note, which read:
Hey Bank Teller. Give me all your money. I have a gun. Also, sorry about this fucking hat. It’s all that I had left in my mom’s basement. Also, if you have time, I play bass in a Blues Traveler cover band and we have a show Friday. HMU on Facebook.
“We know that our job is to protect the public from enemies both foreign and domestic,” said Mraz. “We are determined to find the man who committed this sartorial terrorism and bringing him to justice.”
As of the time this article is written, no arrests have been made.
We will be at the show Friday to see if this madman shows himself.
Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.