Category: Crime (page 1 of 3)

Facebook Says a Serial Killer is in Murfreesboro so Goodbye World

MURFREESBORO – Well, there’s a serial killer on the loose, so it looks like we are all pretty much done for. Several recent Facebook posts convincingly prove that a serial killer is stalking Murfreesboro, leaving a wake of disappearances and dead bodies in his/her/hir/its/their wake.

At least one citizen reached out to local law enforcement and was stunned to learn that law enforcement had already investigated each incident (what?) and found that the incidents were entirely unrelated (WHAT?).

Three thousand other citizens just shared the damn post on social media and ran to the safe room of their home for protection.

At least one media outlet is recklessly reporting that reports of a serial killer are false. When we all die a violent, murderous, and potentially arousing death, let’s all remember that the media lied to you and caused your death.

Here at The Tribune, we have the utmost faith in social media vagaries, so we are left to conclude that a serial killer is loose and we are all completely and hopelessly fucked.

Since we are all going to die a violent death anyways, we have nothing to lose, so here is a list of people and/or things that we don’t like:

  • Mustard
  • People who wear capes
  • Mayor McHarland (I’ve written you like six letters, Sugar Shane. A response wouldn’t kill you.)
  • The films of Wes Anderson
  • Others who chew food loudly
  • Frat guys
  • Natty Light
  • Frat guys holding Natty Light
  • Vaping
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the elevator
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the checkout line
  • Loud cell phone talkers anywhere, really
  • Literally misusing the word literally
  • The Asian guy in front of me at airport security EVERY TIME
  • Vegans who talk about being vegans
  • Vegans who talk to anyone
  • All vegans
  • Real Nashville News
  • Circus peanuts candy

Goodbye world. It’s been a hell of a run.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

War on Gummies Ends, Parents Fear Return of Dangerous CBD Gummies

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke Wednesday that the Rutherford County District Attorney is dismissing all charges in Operation Candy Crush, a reckless and dangerous decision that will propel thousands of CBD products, including CBD gummies, back to the streets of Murfreesboro and into the waiting hands of our sweet innocent children.

“The Tennessee Bureau of Investigations is no longer willing to testify that the CBD gummies are a Schedule VI substance,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “You know, because they never really were illegal drugs in the first place. So we have no choice but to dismiss these charges.”

Here at the Murfreesboro Tribune, we take violent and dangerous drug offenses very seriously and we share the concern expressed by tens of people that these CBD oils are being returned to the streets, where they may be harmlessly ingested by children.

Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to discover what you think about these hard drugs being recklessly returned to the junkies and addicts in Murfreesboro.

From the Street: Are you concerned that dangerous candies, pretty much as dangerous as heroin and crack cocaine, are being returned to the slums of Murfreesboro?

I am shocked and appalled. Think of the children! I don’t care that these products are already legal and that the medical community agrees to certain benefits. We need to get this dope under control.
Karen Duchenne, Housewife

I don’t understand. How the hell could our conservative elected officials be wrong on drug policy? I was promised that if we just make everything illegal then all these brown people will get their shit together and drugs will go away. Fox News can’t be wrong! 
Dick Hurts, Mortgage Banker

This world is going to hell and this generation will ruin everything. I’m tired of it. Hell, let’s just let these drugs kill some kids. Then they’ll get the lesson. 
Abe Jenkins, Retired Mechanic

I’ve been using heroin for years and I’m pretty excited that an even harder drug is now available. At least, that’s what my Republican friends told me. This stuff is like “let’s jump off a roof” kinda high, right? I’m in.
Elijah Brewster, Unemployed 


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Psych! Sheriff Hosts Punk’d Episode with Local Business Owners

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office revealed Tuesday morning that Operation Candy Crush, which includes the comically ill-fated misadventures of a local sheriff and district attorney who fail to understand basic hemp processing, is actually part of the pilot of a local hidden camera prank show similar to MTV’s Punk’d.

The announcement came the day after media outlets reported that charges may be dismissed against store owners in the ongoing War on Gummies.

“We can’t wait to release this footage,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “When you see how horrifically ham-handed our treatment of relatively innocuous CBD candies looks on tape, you’ll agree that this shit is hilarious.”

“We promise this has been the plan all along, so let’s just cut out all this lawsuit talk,” he added, trailing off nervously.

Sheriff Putzhugh announced that Operation Candy Crush will span the first two episodes of the new hidden camera series, aptly titled This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement.

“I’m just glad to be part of the production,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “Honestly, I’ve thought that these guys are hilarious for years. They’re like that little train that keeps on chugging up the mountain. One day, the little train just loses steam and plunges back downhill, erupting into a flame of high crimes and misdemeanors.”

According to the production team, future episodes of This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement will include such family-friendly hijinks as police brutality, falsification of immigration documents, and public corruption.

“It’s gonna be hilarious,” added Sheriff Putzhugh. “We cannot emphasize enough that our officers are not actually this incompetent. This is all done for the sake of comedy.”

At the time this article is published, Sheriff Putzhugh sat in his office working desperately to convince himself that he is telling at least partial truths.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Police Crack Down on CBD Oil, to Worry About Opioids Later

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what is being hailed as the largest drug crackdown on the District Attorney’s chalkboard to-do list, authorities padlocked twenty-three stores in Rutherford County on Monday accused of selling products containing Cannabidiol, also known as CBD, a canniboid oil that is moderately more mind-altering than your typical over-the-counter pain medicine.

Just last month, Governor Haslam unveiled a $30 Million plan to combat the opioid crisis in Tennessee, but Rutherford County law enforcement authorities were smart enough to realize that Tennessee already has its opioid epidemic completely under control, choosing instead to focus its efforts on preventing the spread of low-THC candies.

“This is a landmark day for law enforcement,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “We are here to send a message that, despite the fact that opioids are ravaging our communities, our priority is to prevent the spread of a little-known and rarely-used hemp oil that is pretty damn legal in a pretty damn good number of places.”

“He’s right,” echoed District Attorney Abraham Lincoln, conspicuously missing his signature top hat. “The courts are here to ensure that those targeted by law enforcement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and the law is here to ensure that those targeted will be those selling an oil that most people had to f***ing Google to even know what it is.”

Lincoln’s statement is supported by a recent Murfreesboro Tribune survey, which revealed that zero percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers could properly articulate what CBD even stood for without polling the audience of phoning a friend, despite one hundred percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers having a personal connection to the opioid crisis.

Law enforcement officials emphasized that the seized CBD products will be taken off the street for good.

“It’s negligible whether these oils even get you high,” said Sheriff Putzhugh, popping a CBD candy into his mouth. “But they’re damn delicious, and we are going to make sure that these gummies will be stored into evidence and served at the Annual Office Christmas Party.”

In the time it took to write this article, another Tennessee citizen likely died from an opioid overdose. But, sure, let’s get out there and stop those CBD gummies from destroying our communities.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Report: Short-Term Rentals Responsible for 60% of Crime, Sexual Assault

NASHVILLE, TN – A shocking report released by the Nashville City Council on Friday revealed that short-term rentals, once a relatively unnoticed economic boon to Nashville and surrounding cities, have been found to be responsible for at least sixty percent of violent crime and sexual assault.

“We find the results of this report deeply disturbing,” said Nashville City Councilman Brian Chesky. “It is clear that short-term rentals have become a menace to this city, and we must take whatever measures possible to stop them.”

The Report revealed that short-term rental properties are relatively harmless when occupied, as the occupants in the buildings force the buildings to behave, much like when your mother walked into your room when you were on your computer— close that whack-ass porn and look up your homework!

The troubling details of the Report arose when the short-term rental properties become unoccupied. At that time, the hidden powers within the buildings awake and allow the buildings to come to life, wreaking havoc on local neighborhoods.

“We found that short-term rental properties, when left alone, often resort to violence, crime, and rampant drug use,” said Dr. Baker N. Blumfeld, who published the Report. “Often times, upon vacancy, the properties stand, uproot themselves from their foundation, and roam the streets at large, menacing nearby residents and robbing elderly women at gunpoint.”

In total, the Report found that crimes committed by short-term rental monsters accounted for sixty percent of all crime in Nashville.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to witness the violence that these properties levy upon innocent women and children. After all, this report must be true, right? It can’t just be that some bitchy citizens who claim to be inconvenienced by noise complaints would demand some peace and quiet (while living in the 24th largest city in the country, by the way) at the cost of losing millions of dollars in investment and tourism revenue for the city, right? That can’t be the case. No way.

With the only logical response being that short-term rental properties turn into living, breathing monsters when unoccupied, the Murfreesboro Tribune officially endorses the plan to limit these monsters being allowed in Middle Tennessee and we encourage our readers to do the same.

Think of the children!

Ex-Sheriff Bob Darnold Sent to 5-Star Hotel to Serve Prison Sentence

CLUB FED ALL-INCLUSIVE, BAHAMAS – As reported by local news affiliates that we steal stuff from, Ex-Sheriff and convicted felon Bob Darnold has been moved to a minimum security federal prison in the Caribbean called “Club Fed” following complaints by his mother that jail is hard.

The Murfreesboro Tribune sent Female Reporter Nell E. Bly undercover to the five-star resort prison to find the truth about the harshness of federal prison.

“Club Fed was a lot like Orange is the New Black, but without the hot lesbian action,” said Bly upon her return, seated comfortably wearing a crocheted Afghan with her skin glowing from a tan and her hair in small braids.

Darnold pled guilty earlier this year to charges of running a nicotine-based drug ring at the county jail. He was sentenced to four years in prison and ordered to pay $2.00 in restitution.

Earlier this year, Darnold’s mother, Jeanette Keyeez, complained to prison officials that her son, a federal prisoner, was actually being treated like a federal prisoner.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” Keyeez wrote back in January, as if prison should take place in a Caribbean paradise.

Well now, after much hard work from Keyeez, and after the federal authorities realized that Darnold didn’t commit a violent offense, such as murder or selling some weed out of the back of your truck, Darnold is spending his prison time in Club Fed, an actual Caribbean paradise.

“The club has a music room, pool tables, a fitness center and even a nude beach where prisoners can relax and work on their tans,” Bly reported. “The only thing that made it look like a jail was the razor wire and sharks guarding the lagoon.”

“But it looks more like a golf course or a country club with its manicured lawns than a prison,” Bly added, which stands in stark contrast to the bread-and-water, mold-filled, windowless, brick- block monstrosity where jailed inmates are held in Rutherford County.

Thanks to federal sentencing guidelines, which make an awful lot of sense, Darnold could be out as early as next month for good behavior. But as nice as this prison is, he might want to stay there as long as possible.


Nell E. Bly is a reporter with the Murfreesboro Tribune, covering local government, undercover reporting, and mostly filling an empty seat so we don’t get sued for sexual discrimination. She does the same work and is paid about 70% of what men are paid. She can be contacted at nell.e.bly.tribune@gmail.com.

Murfreesboro Victoria’s Secret Printing Error, Coupon Reads “Just Come Steal Everything”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Victoria’s Secret was robbed again on Thursday, and, at this point, repeated theft seems to be what the panty paradise wants.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team looked into the string of knicker nippers and found that the criminal episodes may stem from a printing error in the Daily News Journal, an overpriced blog that is printed on paper and sold to the public (which seems like a solid business model in the year of our Lord 2017).

In 2015, the Daily News Journal ran a coupon for Victoria’s Secret, but a printing error resulted in the coupon reading:

“Victoria’s Secret. Just Come Steal Everything!”

The Tribune Investigative Team found that over twenty different thefts have occurred at Victoria’s Secret in the two years since the coupon was printed, which is the approximate readership of the Daily News Journal. No coincidence, indeed.

To the delight of the marketing firm hired to help trouser trappers run away with unmentionables, the coupon appears to be highly effective. After all, the store was robbed.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

We get it.

Stop.

It won’t stop.

You made your point.

Can’t stop.

There are so many more.

This story is developing. And by developing we mean this place is just going to keep getting robbed, reporting the robbery to the police, taking up taxpayer resources, and writing off the stolen goods as a loss.

Rinse, repeat, and whatever you do don’t implement any reasonable security practices.

Alabama Fan’s Home Defaced with Vegetables, Weight Loss Cookbooks

MURFREESBORO, TN – Vandalism rocked Murfreesboro again on Thursday when vandals struck a local trailer park and draped steamed vegetables on the door handles of a trailer belonging to Billy Kipp, a well known University of Alabama Football fan.

The vandals also spray painted the phone number of a GED completion program on the side of the trailer and littered healthy lifestyle weight loss cookbooks throughout the yard.

The Murfreesboro Police Department is investigating the vandalism as a hate crime and have contacted appropriate federal authorities.

“We think it is clear that the vandals know the materials that are morally repugnant to Alabama Football Fans, including health, hygiene, education, and overall likeability,” said Detective Sow Bryant.

“I’m not sure what to think,” said Kipp, between wheezing breaths. “I know the thirteen Alabama Football decals on the side my trailer and the Roll Tide flags hanging on every corner of the house let people know who lives here.”

“Roll Tide,” Kipp added, even though no one said anything to him about anything.

Kipp told The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team that he has heard of vegetables before, but his regular diet of Velveeta cheese, sweet tea, pork rinds, and Sun Drop doesn’t make room for them.

The University of Alabama Alumni Association issued a statement denouncing the vandalism as inconsistent with the fabric of Alabama Football Fans:

The University of Alabama is deeply troubled and saddened by the vandalism against the homes of our fans. This is a deliberate act of hate. We truly appreciate the immediate show of support and solidarity from our fellow fans, who undoubtedly also have obnoxious shit all over their yard and vehicles. However, we are still saddened that this happened in the first place.

A vigil is planned on Friday evening in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Roebuck Avenue. More details are forthcoming.

MTSU Student Arrested, Charged with Being Black and from Memphis

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Police Department raided an apartment near the Middle Tennessee State University on Monday and arrested Kedrick Jones, a twenty-two year old MTSU student who is tragically and unacceptably both black and from Memphis.

In recent weeks, MTSU has been afflicted by a series of off-campus shootings and criminal occurrences, many of which occur at nearby apartment complexes, and the community has been quick to respond with broad vagueries and baseless conclusions that this is all happening because of Memphis.

“With this arrest, we are hoping to send a message,” said Murfreesboro Police Department Spokesman Reginald White, III. “Memphis needs to stop sending its crime here. And by crime we mean black people. Stop sending your black people here.”

The social media response to recent shootings and violence has been swift, passively racist, and oddly confident that rampant violence has nothing to do with the community in which it has happened.

“I’m talking about thugs from Memphis,” said one commenter online, conveniently concluding that every single problem related to shootings and campus crime can be traced to Memphis, not the actual city in which the crime occurred.

“We need to fire MTSU President Ridley McPeak!” shouted another commenter at his computer screen. “All of these Memphis thugs are here causing this crime.”

The Murfreesboro Police Department heard the kinda-racist-but-maybe-not voices and responded accordingly, cracking down heavily on MTSU students from Memphis.

“I think people from Memphis will think twice before coming to Murfreesboro now,” said MPD Spokesman White. “They now know that this town will not stand for them trying to escape the inner city, better themselves, and earn an education. Not here. Not now. Not ever.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: In case you have not caught on by now, some people are actually arguing that recent criminal acts in Murfreesboro have happened all because of Memphis and have used that position to push the (possibly racially motivated) theory that Memphis people just need to stay out of Murfreesboro. Here at the Tribune, we find that kind of thinking absurd and we will use satire in all of its glory to expose and ridicule such closed-minded views. In other words, the names and events in this story are not real and are being used to ridicule the very position that seems to have inflamed the masses. Calm the hell down.

Sheriff Darnold’s Mother Upset That Jail is Actually a Jail

PRISONTOWN, KY – In news that surprises absolutely no one, Jeanette Keyeez, Sheriff Bob Darnold’s mother, is pretty upset that her son, who is being held in jail awaiting trial, is being treated like he is being held in jail.

Keyeez wrote a letter to the judge presiding over Darnold’s case, as if the judge hadn’t considered that Darnold’s mother might be upset when Darnold was sent to be held in a federal prison.

“Imagine spending 23 hours a day in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot-square room for more than 80 days,” wrote Sheriff Darnold’s Mother, seemingly unaware that her son’s day job prior to hawking e-cigs and playing knockaround with his wife was to hold inmates in solitude in a windowless, 50-foot square room for more than 80 days.

Keyeez wrote further that Darnold has not been able to watch television, eat ramen noodles, popcorn, candy, and soft drinks, or talk to the guards because the guards “don’t have time to talk.”

This is real life, boys and girls.

Here at The Tribune, we imagine that Keyeez likely took issue with several other policies at the Grayson County Detention Center, including:

  • The mini bar is not fully stocked.
  • The jail has no in-house shoe shine service
  • There is no free wifi
  • Inmates are forced to listen to Pandora with commercials
  • The Prison Mart only has red skittles, not Darnold’s preferred purple skittles
  • Several guards continue to discuss Game of Thrones spoilers without discipline

Just in case you were worried that Darnold would not receive the protection he deserves, Keyeez went ahead and took this thing to the top:

The Tribune has reached out to the entire federal government listed above, but has not received a response.

In related news, Vice President Biden was pretty upset to not receive a copy of the letter.

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