Category: Business (page 2 of 2)

Local Mother Miraculously Not Part of Pyramid Scheme Side Job

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a move that family and friends described as a “complete shock,” local mother Lacey Temple has decided to not whore out her social media account for a multilevel marketing company, despite the fact that nearly every other mother she knows appears to have done so.

Temple, a stay-at-home mother of three, is an ideal candidate for an independent marketing representative with a triangle-shaped business venture, a position that several of her friends have taken to earn a moderate side income, regardless of the enormous damage that the position does to their personal and professional reputation.

“I’m stunned,” said Heather Wakham, a friend of the Temple family, who also serves as a Double Diamond Seal Super Plus Rep with Plexus Worldwide. “Lacey has an opportunity with our company to buy my products, make a lot of money for me and my kids, and talk her friends into doing the same for her. It’s pretty selfish to not help me out.”

Temple reported that she has been approached by representatives from Avon, Herbalife, Mary Kay, AdvoCare, Rodan + Fields, Plexus, Pampered Chef, DildoWorx, Scentsy, and the Columbia House VHS Sales Program, but does not plan to take part in any completely legitimate business that allows you to make money by recruiting people to work directly underneath you.

“I think she’ll come around to it,” said Megan Temple, Lacey’s older sister, who is also a Brand Ambassador Double Secret Six Important Title Rep with It Works! (but seriously have you tried that crazy wrap thing?). “Once she realizes the incredible effect of these wraps, and how much money you can make by pressuring your friends and family through Facebook to try this voodoo science, she’s going to jump on board.”

The writer of this article was unable to reach Temple for comment, in part because I recently accepted a position with Juice Plus and, hey, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask strangers to buy, would I? Answer the phone, Lacey. You need this juice stuff.

Mattress Store to Hold Sale

MURFREEESBORO, TN – In what is being hailed as an “industry changer,” a Murfreesboro mattress store is planning a mattress sale. Local residents are losing their damn minds.

Jon and Betty Perlman, who own Hey Look Over Here Mattresses on Cason Lane, drew inspiration from other industries, which often employ tacky sales gimmicks. The Perlmans saw that the tacky gimmicks have never quite made it to the mattress industry. These gimmicks include flyers, mailers, and paying grown-ass men to sit in a lawn chair and hold a sign all day.

“We asked each other ‘what is no one in our industry doing,'” said Jon. “Suddenly it dawned on us; why haven’t mattress stores put mattresses on sale?”

“I’m not trying to boast,” said Betty, clearly boasting, “but we are in the mattress industry because our stores have a history of no pressure, no frills, no gimmicks sales.”

Jon beamed with pride at his revelation. “We never whore ourselves out for attention or profits,” he said, resting his arm on a pile of flyers declaring Jon and Betty Perlman “The Mattress Masters of Murfreesboro,” with each wearing costumes from Masters of the Universe while swinging antique weapons at the camera.

To ensure that the mattress sale receives the rapt attention of the community, and that mattress stores only put on sales for legitimate reasons, the Perlmans decided to have a Ukrainian Independence Day Sale, which opens on August 24.

On August 24, 1991, the Ukrainian Parliament adopted the Act of Declaration of Independence of Ukraine, which established independence from the Soviet Union. The Perlmans figured that sounds like as good a reason as any to sell some mattresses.

“There are two things I hate in this world,” said Jon Perlman. “Overpriced mattresses and commies.”

In what can only be described as a trance fueled by ethnic hatred, Perlman locked eyes with the author of this article, muttering “you ain’t no damn commie, are you?”

Please go see the Perlmans. For America. And for Mother Ukraine.

Community Shocked to Learn That It’s 2016 and Hastings is Still Open

MURFREESBORO, TN – On Friday, Hastings Entertainment announced that it will close all its stores, including the Murfreesboro Hastings located on Memorial Boulevard, and liquidate assets.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team took to the streets to find out how the community responded to this announcement. Unfortunately, the majority of people we met were genuinely surprised to learn that Hastings is still in business. We did, however, find a few Hastings enthusiasts.

From the Street: Do you have any thoughts on Hastings closing all its stores?

“You mean the place by that empty building that used to be a Long John Silver’s? Right next to the check cashing place that used to be a gas station? That side of town is on fire.”
Janet Skaggs, Interior Designer.

“I’ve been using that parking lot to sell weed for the past few years. Hate to see it go.”
Justin Thatcher, Entrepreneur.

“Part of my childhood was in that store. It’s the first place I rented a movie, the first place I felt a girl up, and the first place I publicly insulted a Jewish man. Some great memories there.”
Darren Trembley, Musician.

“We’re going to be fine. All we’ve got to do now is come up with an internet company to sell new and used books at a discount and hope that no one has beat us to it.”
Jake Sinclair, Hastings Store Manager.

Walmart Supercenter to Open in Rutherford County Historic Courthouse

MURFREESBORO, TN – Walmart announced plans on Friday to open a new Walmart Supercenter in the Rutherford County Historic Courthouse.

“We believe that Walmart will provide stability to the Public Square,” said Walmart Regional Manager John DeVries, “and an opportunity to bankrupt at least a half a dozen other mom and pop businesses in the surrounding area.”

The Murfreesboro City Council approved the proposed Walmart Supercenter at its regularly scheduled meeting on Thursday night.

“There’s a Walmart everywhere else in this town, so we figured why not put one on the Square,” said Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland. “At this point, we pretty much just said f*** it— they can go where they want”

Conservative estimates place the proposed store as the twenty-seventh Walmart in Rutherford County, which has spurred explosive growth in check cashing outlets, liquor stores, and other luxury industries.

The Rutherford County Historic Courthouse was built in 1859 according to Wikipedia, which is about as far as this author can get right now after a few too many glasses of Chianti. But since when is it against the law to have a few drinks before work, you judgmental prick?

Initial plans indicate that the first floor will be home goods, the second floor will be food and groceries, and the third floor will remain closed to the public.

Walmart officials have been unable to locate anyone who has actually been to the third floor of the Historic Courthouse and, as a result, Walmart believes the third floor to be haunted.

For more information on Walmart’s continued expansion into the hearts and homes of Rutherford County, raise the issue at your family Thanksgiving Dinner or challenge one of the people sitting on a bench on the Public Square to a measured debate about capitalism. That would be one hell of a ride.

Jason’s Deli Salad Bar Lady in the Way Again

MURFREESBORO, TN – Customers at Jason’s Deli in Murfreesboro remained frustrated on Monday as the Salad Bar Lady personally interfered with nearly every customer in the restaurant during the tumultuous lunch hour rush.

The Salad Bar Lady, also known as Amy Post, is a forty-seven year old hater of people, engineered to frustrate even the most simple lunch tasks. As a former teller at the Department of Motor Vehicles, she is trained to turn an attainable task into a logistical clusterfuck.

The Salad Bar Lady answers to no one. Fueled only by a desire to wage war against practicality, she spends her days dutifully filling only the salad bar bins that need the least attention. There is a line of thirty-six people for garbanzo beans. The Salad Bar Lady cares not.

The Salad Bar Lady stands behind no one. She follows you, step by step, until you reach for a pair of tongs, at which time she launches into action, “excuse me” be damned. On her apron, you may find handwritten notes containing your home address and list of personal fears.

Jason’s Deli Manager Jake Trainer declined to comment on the extensive lines at his salad bar, but he did note that the volume in the restaurant has increased significantly since he hired the Salad Bar Lady, due to the fact that it takes thirteen hours to finish a salad bar meal in his restaurant.

Local Bar Launches GoFundMe, Asks for Free Money

MURFREESBORO, TN – Ron and Hermione Piper opened the White Owl, a Harry Potter themed brewpub, in March, which fulfilled a lifelong dream of owning a wizarding pub. Now, the Pipers want to grow the business.

The Pipers considered traditional sources of capital, such as private investors, bank loans, and credit cards. In the end, the couple chose to launch a GoFundMe campaign, asking the public to hand over hard-earned money, which may otherwise pay for basic life necessities, as donations to a for-profit business.

“We thought about a bank loan or credit cards,” said Ron Piper, “but why would we pay interest on a loan when we can just ask our customers to give us money for free without giving them anything in return?”

“He’s right,” said Hermione Piper. “Business loans and credit cards would make us actually invest in this place. We thought it would be much easier if the public just gave us free money to cover our expenses, which will help us earn profit.”

“The community needs us,” Ron said emphatically. “Our concept of a place that sells food and alcohol is so unique that the community should give us free money to expand. Have you ever seen someone build a for-profit business by borrowing money or using their own money? Sounds impossible to me.”

The GoFundMe list of common types of campaigns includes: “Most people use GoFundMe to raise money for themselves, a friend or loved one during life’s important moments. This includes things like medical expenses, education costs, volunteer programs, youth sports, funerals & memorials – even animals & pets.”

“I think the mission of GoFundMe has been distorted,” said Hermione. “All these GoFundMe campaigns about sick kids and mission trips have it wrong. The purpose of GoFundMe is, and has always been, small business lending.”

“Those unplanned medical emergencies and dying people should have planned better,” echoed Ron. “What are they adding to the community that our bar isn’t? I think donated money goes to better use at our bar, where we are a for-profit venture looking to make money.”

It is unclear whether the Pipers will offer incentives to customers who donate to the GoFundMe Campaign, but Ron sounded skeptical of giving anything worth a damn in return for people giving him part of their paycheck to help him run a business entity.

“Oh God no,” he remarked. “We are running a business. We need that money. If you want a handout, go to church.”

“But with this place open, you are free to purchase an eight dollar beer at any time,” added Ron, glancing wistfully to the sky. “This city is so lucky to have us here.”

You can learn more about the White Owl at www.ThatShamelessBar.com or www.WhatABadIdea.com.

Business Brief: Meth Café to Open at Murfreesboro Motel

MURFREESBORO, TN – Harold and Diane Massey believe in selling a product that the customer wants, which inspired the couple to open the first full-service methamphetamine restaurant in Tennessee. The Masseys will open their unique restaurant, the Meth Stop, at the Knights Inn in Murfreesboro.

“When you look at the demographics of this area, it’s clear that this community loves meth,” said Harold. “I can’t remember the exact numbers, but there were something like eight thousand meth arrests within a square mile of this place last year.”

The Knights Inn, which is located on South Church Street in Murfreesboro, is a local hotspot for drug use, police activity, and fans of hobo fight clubs.

“This place is the portrait of meth use,” said Harold Massey, waving his hand toward the Knights Inn. “We just hope that we can provide enough methamphetamine to keep up with the high demand in this neighborhood.”

According to police reports, the Murfreesboro Police Department was called to the Knights Inn for 3,721 methamphetamine related offenses in the past year, an average of over ten calls per day. The Regal Inn, which is across the street from the Knights Inn, witnessed a paltry 2,855 reports of methamphetamine production.

“That was the determining factor,” said Diane Massey. “We thought about opening the restaurant at the Regal Inn, but it just wasn’t infested with rampant poverty and meth use like the other locations we looked at.”

Other locations considered by the Masseys included the Jackson Motel, the Murfreesboro Motel, and stall three in the women’s restroom at Shoney’s.

The Meth Stop will be open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, serving American fare with a Southern twist. VIP trailers will be available for a more private meth experience. For more information, contact harold@themethstop.com.

Murfreesboro Store Solves Transgender Bathroom Issue, Introduces Genital Checker

MURFREESBORO, TN – For eighty-seven years, the Hammond General Store has served Murfreesboro, Tennessee. Now, the store will provide customers with a first-of-its-kind experience: a Genital Checker, who will ensure that customers use only the proper bathroom at the store.

The new position comes on the heels of a national discussion on restroom use. Several prominent businesses, including Target, have faced significant backlash after allowing customers to use whichever bathroom they identify with.

“I think we all know that, prior to this year, every single person in the world only used the bathroom for whatever they were born with,” said store owner Jimmy Hammond. “But now that people are talking about it, we need some rules that are going to stop this disgusting thing that none of us really knew about in the first place.”

Critics of rules about restroom use have said that such rules will be difficult, if not impossible, to enforce. However, the Hammonds are not concerned about such difficulties.

“I know a man when I see one,” said Hammond. “And if I can’t tell, then we came up with a pretty easy way to find out. We can just have a look at your naughty bits.”

According to Hammond, the Genital Checker will be a Hammond Store employee designated to personally inspect the fun parts of any customer attempting to use the restroom on store premises.

Prior to entering the restroom, customers must step into a screening area, drop their pants, and allow the Genital Checker to inspect their dog and pony show.

“Honestly, this is about the only way we could think of to enforce the bathroom rules,” said Hammond. “Our employees need to get into your pants to make this work. Plain and simple.”

The Hammonds want to be sensitive to all customers, so they provide an outhouse for the oversensitive people who would prefer to keep their privates private.

“We’re a family business, after all,” said Hammond. “We’re just trying to let people use the bathroom how the good Lord intended.”

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