Category: Business (page 1 of 2)

Reeves-Sain Closing Update: Fred’s Pledges to Execute Swiftly, Humanely

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning turn of events, discount retailer Fred’s announced plans to close Reeves-Sain Drug Store in Murfreesboro.

“I know what we all thought,” said Fred’s Vice President of Local Store Destruction Monty Burns. “We all thought that a massive discount chain was the perfect fit to keep this mom and pop soda shop alive. Turns out we were flagrantly wrong.”

Fred’s purchased Reeves-Sain in 2015 for $66 Million(!), which is significantly more than it would take for The Tribune Staff to kill a man. Like seriously. We would do it for a fraction of that.

Over the past year, Fred’s, Walgreens, and Rite Aid have just started using Monopoly money to buy shit, making asset acquisition look as easy as picking up a sweet pair of $4 Velcro kicks from the Fred’s bargain bin.

Surprisingly absolutely no one, Walgreens has expressed little to no enthusiasm about keeping a small town milkshake counter that is conspicuously close to an Indian restaurant with “Pit” in the name.

“We want to ensure the community that the Reeves-Haynes Pharmacy will spend its final days resting with its loved ones,” Walgreens issued in a press release. “When the time comes, it will be put down humanely and peacefully.”

Reached for comment and notified that the shop is pronounced Reeves-Sain, a Walgreens spokesman added “well its about to be Reeves-closed.”


Party Fowl Opens, Hires Witch Doctor to Break Coach’s Grill Curse

MURFREESBORO, TN – Party Fowl, a Nashville-based hot chicken restaurant, opened this week in Downtown Murfreesboro, taking over a vacant commercial building that has previously held several failed ventures, including Los Guachitos Mexical Restaurant, Coach’s Grill, Fairways Golf & Grill, and Brew U.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has learned that the largest barrier to opening the new Party Fowl location had nothing to do with food or permits, but instead surrounded an ancient curse placed on the property by a former tenant, Coach’s Grill.

“When we first looked at the property, we could tell right away that something was wrong,” said Party Fowl Owner Chick Leghorn. “As soon as we set foot inside the building, it just smelled like dirt, mold, and health code violations. But I could also feel something else, a deeper level of pain and soiled light beer.”

Leghorn consulted with Zuku, a local witch doctor, who also works at Starbucks during the day, to better understand the spiritual environment at the new location. To Leghorn’s surprise, Zuku discovered that the property was cursed. After all, Coach’s Grill failed, Fairways Golf & Grill tanked, and not even Bar Rescue could save Brew U.

Zuku ultimately sacrificed six Nashville hot chickens to please the spirits in the building. Leghorn is hoping that the sacrifice paid off.

Leghorn remained adamant that the previous failed businesses had nothing to do with the generally shitty location of the building, near what some have called “the jewel of that meth part of Murfreesboro.”

“The key to this place is convenience,” said Leghorn. “After all, our customers can have some damn good chicken and then walk next door to get a cash advance on their next paycheck, pay their Metro PCS bill, and pick up a handle of their favorite liquor at one of the nineteen liquor stores within walking distance. It’s solid.”

Commenters Distraught at Business Closing, Never Spent One Cent There

MURFREESBORO, TN – News broke on Friday that a beloved local business, the Fartful Bagel, will close its doors to the public. The last day for the Fartful Bagel was Saturday.

In response to the announced closing, hundreds of commenters on social media have expressed infinite sadness, egomaniacally shifting attention away from a failed local business and the related emotional grief of the owners and placing the spotlight squarely on themselves, because, you know, now they can’t go get a snack from a place they went that one time, which is pretty much just as bad.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team looked further into the comments and, surprisingly, it seems that very few of the people expressing dismay at the business closing even spent one damn dollar of their own money to support the owners.

“Oh no!!” said one commenter, with the double exclamation point to let you know that she is significantly hurt. “I never got to make it in there but had always wanted to!” Oh. Well, she really wanted to go. So that counts for something, right?

“We really enjoyed the time we did come in,” wrote another commenter, emphasizing the one damn time she managed to make it to the store in the eighteen months that the store was open to the public. How in the world could this place have closed with your incredible support?

One commenter tagged a friend and wrote “guess we will never get to try this place!!!” As if they never had a chance to park in the parking lot, walk in the door, and spend a few bucks on a donut in the five hundred or so days that the shop was open for business.

Here at The Tribune, we recommend actually spending money at local businesses, instead of waiting for the business to close and expressing your confusion at how a place that you never gave money to couldn’t quite make it.

In related news, The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team has found that the comment “Prayers!” has resulted in significant medical improvement for individuals suffering from illness, so keep on doing that too.

Business Brief: They’re Opening Another F***ing Check Cashing Place

MURFREESBORO, TN – Memphis-based Chexxx4Lezzz is opening a check cashing, cash-advancing, and lower-income-pilfering company in Downtown Murfreesboro, the four thousandth such store in Rutherford County.

BringYoChexxxHere will be located on the corner of Sevier Street and South Highland Avenue, near the Kleer-Vu Café, in an area replete with lower-income residents.

“We are excited about this opportunity,” said Chexxx4Lezzz owner Rakesh Patel. “We  believe that our store will ensure that the community remains intact, because these significantly indebted people will never be able to the gain financial stability to move elsewhere.”

When asked if he had considered North Woods, Breckenridge, or Mirabella for his new store location, Patel laughed, noting that those areas were not part of his preferred demographic. “Not quite enough beater cars and cigarette smokers, if you know what I mean.”

Rutherford County Chamber of Commerce President Saul Talure praised the new store opening, saying that the industry is poised for growth.

“With stagnant wages and the low-paying warehouse jobs we are recruiting, Murfreesboro will need at least a thousand more check-cashing establishments for our citizens,” Talure said confidently.

The proposed location will be voted on at the regularly-schedule Murfreesboro City Council Meeting on Thursday night. All signs point to approval.

Town Home Builders Propose Agent Orange, Napalm for Oaklands

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last month, much to the dismay of conservationists and several nearby bitchy residents, a home builder proposed ninety-one town homes to be built near the Oaklands Mansion and nearby wetlands on North Highland Avenue.

The plan to build townhomes in close proximity to the Oaklands Mansion and the wetlands near Sinking Creek drew immediate criticism from at least seven citizens, who took loudly to social media and didn’t have much else to do but complain on Facebook and Twitter.

In the past few weeks, if you have witnessed the frenzy on social media, you may have learned that a land developer plans to drop at least three payloads of Agent Orange, Napalm, and other biological weapons of ecological destruction on the site of a proposed town home site.

On Thursday, protesters provided leaked documents to the Tribune, drawn up on the back of a Cookout napkin, which set out the first phase of construction: complete and utter desolation of every living thing in the Oaklands Wetlands, using only the most toxic, transmutable, and offensive chemical agents known to man.

“This is exactly what we expected,” said some lady in Birkenstocks. “It is now clear that these land developers just want to rape mother nature and murder our plant life.”

“It’s almost as if these people are trying to just make money or build nice new things,” this likely herbal tea drinker added. “Did anyone stop to think about the willows that grow near the creek?”

ParksLambSwansonMurfreeCorp, the company responsible for site development, declined to comment, instead asking who we were and why we were peeking over the bathroom stall.

This story is developing (pun intended thank you).

Trump’s America: Hardware Store to Hold “Whites Only” Sale

MURFREESBORO, TN – A Murfreesboro True Value hardware store is the subject of both flared tempers and uneasy national pride following its owner’s decision to host a “Whites Only” Holiday Paint Sale.

Holiday shoppers in search of deals in various Murfreesboro news outlets were shocked at the appearance of the ad, which stated:

“Come and Support True Value This Holiday Season! Whites Only—No Blacks, Browns, or Yellows!”

Dave Arian, who owns Arian Family Hardware, insists that the sale has nothing to do with race, but the community knows better.

“My simple misunderstanding over back stock is not a damn appeal to white supremacy,” Arian lied through his teeth. “In April, I ordered seventy different shades of white pantone and it didn’t sell, so I took out some ads this week.”

Arian Family Hardware has seen a 250% increase in its foot traffic since the sale was announced, as well as a 500% increase in protests.

Less than forty-eight hours after the sale was announced, every drop of paint, along with hammer, nail, wrench, and nut, was sold. However, the store was quickly filled with volunteers from the Southern Poverty Law Center and the American Civil Liberties Union.

Associates from the SPLC and ACLU, who have had makeshift field offices in Murfreesboro since 2009, when arsonists set fire to a local Islamic Center, have pointed out that that the ad was incredibly effective due to one simple omission: the word “paint.”

“Why did this man leave the word ‘Paint’ out of the ad if he wasn’t trying to appeal to racial hatred?” asked SPLC Field Director John White-Guilt. “We think it is pretty clear that this is a racist business that must be stopped.”

“Excuse me for not being some Mr. Billy Wigglestick Shakespeare,” said Arian, asked for comment on the omission. “Or that damn Edgar Allan Poe.”

At press time, local activists on one side of Broad Street were setting up a “True Values Matter” picket line in support of the store as an opposition group distributed placards with the message “Whitewashing hurts our feelings” stamped in red ink.

This story is developing.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

CVS Lot Sells for $4M, or 578,428 Bottles of Sudafed to Make Meth

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to local property tax records, the lot containing the CVS Pharmacy on Southeast Broad Street has been purchased for $4 million dollars.

When asked, most regulars at CVS were surprised to learn of the sale price, commenting about how much cough medicine they could buy at that price. Apparently, most folks shopping at CVS suffer from severe sinus congestion.

To find out what the community thinks of the recent sale, Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about the CVS Lot selling for $4 Million?

from-the-street-20
“I finally drank enough $2 High Life tallboys at the Wagon Wheel for Shirley and the boys to expand?”
Axel “Gearhead” Grimes, Local Hell’s Angel

 

from-the-street-23
“$4 million? That’s cute. Call me on when they sell to Fred’s for $66 Million. I’ll be on my private island.”

Dick Sain, Former Pharmacist and Milkshake Salesman

from-the-street-21“That’s a good price. A lot over in the Clinton-voting section of town would never sell for that much.”
Fluffy Hiddleston-Wasp, Mirabella HOA President

from-the-street-22“Do pharmacies have those going-out-of-business sales like other stores? I need to get my hands on 1,000 Sudafed tabs for my shake-and-bake, uh, allergies.”
Tweaker Adams, Local Chef and Amateur Pharmacist

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Cheddar’s Review: Lots of Fat People, Must Be Good

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune Food Blog is in development, but has been delayed by excessive drug use by our Food Blog Writer, which spurred the Food Blog to propose content solely focused on late night snacking.

While the Food Blog gets it act together, the Tribune Staff decided to start a series of Food Reviews here in Murfreesboro. We aren’t ruling out drugs, but we figured we need to survey some restaurants that the public may enjoy, which means we can’t just write about Eddie Poe’s fridge after burning down some green.

First up is Cheddar’s, the restaurant where everything is three dollars and all guests receive a complimentary head start towards heart disease at a young age.

Parking
Well, half of the parking spots in the parking lot are handicap spaces. Honestly, it’s hard to tell whether the spaces are for handicap or handifat, like the perfectly-healthy-but-still-gonna-ride-this-thing people at Kroger who scoot around in the motorized carts. On that topic, it might not be a bad idea to start a business to rent motorized scooters to haul these plus-sized foodies into the building.

After finding a parking space about three thousand feet from the front door, we wowed the crowd by walking to the front door without a cane, a water break, or a taxi cab to haul us across the lot.

Customer Service
At first, the waiting area was a bit crowded, as the entire Lane Bryant catalog appeared to shuffle through the door at the same time. However, the service was much more friendly once we managed to navigate the maximum-elevator-weight crowd and find a table.

Our waitress was pleasantly surprised when we ordered waters. She expressed frustration that she usually serves sweet tea, one gallon jug at a time, only to find her first delivery guzzled into oblivion by the time she returns to the table.

Menu
The menu offers a great variety of artery-blocking grease buckets, including heavyweight favorites such as double breaded chicken tenders, fried butter cubes, and lard-in-a-bucket. They also have a “lighter side” menu, as if anyone in the building is counting calories today.

To be honest, we aren’t sure whether those items are on the menu. We are just guessing based on the clientele of this place. We couldn’t read the menu because the lettering on the pages is so worn. We assume that, patron after patron, people have wiped their brow in exhaustion after walking from the waiting area to their table or some other light calisthenics, and that the sweat slowly wore the letters down.

Overall
We were unable to complete our experience at Cheddar’s. After ordering waters and a house salad, we were told that the restaurant does not serve lettuce, only bacon. Then, as we contemplated how to order food here without knowingly shortening our lives in the process, a portly fellow entered the restaurant and demanded to be seated.

After the man became violent (he hadn’t eaten in three hours), we volunteered our table so the he could be pacified. The kitchen rushed some fried cheese (because they sell fried cheese, of course) to the table and everyone was happy.

In all, let’s be honest: fat people love this place, so it must be good.

Rating (Out of Five Spades): ♠♠♠♠

New Restaurant Tragically Mistakes Fake Newspaper for Real Newspaper

MURFREESBORO, TN – Chicken Salad Chick is a fast casual chicken salad restaurant, which opens a new location in Murfreesboro this week. From everything we can tell, the business is great and the food is delicious. However, Chicken Salad Chick recently made a mistake that led to some mild in-house hilarity.

As part of its comprehensive marketing plan, Chicken Salad Chick issued a press release to local media, which included important facts about the upcoming opening. The restaurant sent a copy of the press release to the Tribune and said they “would love to share this news with [Tribune] readers.”

Here at the Tribune, we aren’t satisfied with your cookie-cutter press release, so we decided to do our own write-up, which required a little more information than Chicken Salad Chick originally provided.

Here is the email exchange that followed:

From Tiffany ***** to The Tribune

Hey there,

I noticed you cover the scene in Murfreesboro and wanted to share some exciting news that I thought might be of interest. Chicken Salad Chick (CSC), the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

Would love to share this news with your readers. If interested, I’d be happy to connect you with a corporate executive who can speak on expansion plans in the Nashville area or provide images of the restaurant/menu items — let me know what you might need!

Thanks!
Tiffany

From The Tribune to Tiffany *****

Tiffany,

We would love to do a write-up! For our business announcements, we generally use information from a simple set of questions, which I attached below. Can you fill this out and kick it back over? We will draft something and send it out.

Sam.

Business Name:
Business Address:
Event Date & Time:
Contact Person:
Target Market:

From Tiffany ***** to The Tribune:

Business Name: Chicken Salad Chick
Business Address: 2855 Medical Center Parkway, Suite F
Event Date & Time: Chicken Salad Chick in Murfreesboro will be open Monday – Saturday from 10 a.m. – 8 p.m.
Contact Person: restaurant number – 615-900-3087 
Target Market: Murfreesboro

From The Tribune to Tiffany *****:

Tiffany,

We have reached out several times now and haven’t heard back on the “Target Market” statement. I wrote the following, which is all the information I have right now. Please let me know if you’d like to comment further.

I think this gets your business out and lets Murfreesboro know that you are a big fan of Murfreesboro residents!

Sam.

Big news for Murfreesboro Chicken Lovers! Chicken Salad Chick, the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

According to Chicken Salad Chick, its target market will be Murfreesboro, which appears discriminatory on its face, but may just be a business preference. The Murfreesboro Tribune reached out for further comment from Chicken Salad Chick a number of times, but could not find an answer, so it appears that the business will only be serving chicken salad to Murfreesboro residents.

Please do not come to Chicken Salad Chick if you live in: La Vergne, Smyrna, Eagleville, Walter Hill, Blackman, Christiana, Lascassas, Milton, Rockvale, or anywhere else outside of Murfreesboro. Chicken Salad Chick wants only Murfreesboro residents.

Welcome to the Neighborhood!

From Claibourne ***** to The Tribune: 

Hi Sam,

Tiffany passed along your email, as our South Florida office is currently closed because of the hurricane. Sorry if you’ve had trouble reaching someone! I’m available the rest of the day to speak more about the target market. You can reach me on my cell at ***-***-****.

Thanks,
Clay

From The Tribune to Claibourne *****:

Claibourne,

Unfortunately, a mob of rats chewed through our phone lines, so our phones are currently down.

I really just needed clarification on the target market. Is there anyone that Chicken Salad Chick is not targeting? In other words, certain people or areas that aren’t ideal customers?

We want to make sure our press release has the right information.

Sam.

From Claibourne ***** to The Tribune:

Sam,

Appreciate you wanting to get it right. Chicken Salad Chick in Mufreesboro welcomes all residents and visitors – near or far. We’re looking forward to sharing our delicious chicken salad with not only Murfreesboro, but all surrounding communities. Let me know if you have any additional questions.

Best,
Clay

From The Tribune to Claibourne *****:

Claibourne,

Received your message and we are very glad to hear that you will welcome anyone into the store. We were concerned for a minute about the Murfreesboro-only statement.

Please review the release below. We want to get this out today by 5:00 p.m. Let us know your thoughts as soon as you can. If we do not hear from you, we will run the release, as we believe it encompasses the all-inclusive mission you are shooting for.

Sam.

Big news for Murfreesboro chicken lovers! Chicken Salad Chick, the nation’s only southern inspired, fast casual chicken salad restaurant, will be opening its first Nashville area location on Tuesday, Oct. 11th at 2855 Medical Center Parkway in Murfreesboro. This company-owned location marks the third Chicken Salad Chick restaurant in Tennessee.

Most importantly, Chicken Salad Chick is an all-inclusive restaurant that will welcome all residents and visitors, near or far. The restaurant looks forward to sharing delicious chicken salad with not only Murfreesboro, but all surrounding communities. This includes transvestites, vagrants, hookers, and clowns.

On behalf of the Tribune, we are glad to have an all-inclusive restaurant in the area, who will serve anyone and everyone, regardless of violent criminal history or sex offender registry status.

Please stop by and welcome Chicken Salad Chick to the Neighborhood!

No response was received from Chicken Salad Chick, which means that the Tribune likely nailed the press release.

Welcome to the Neighborhood!

Halloween Candy Pipeline Burst; Gov. Declares State of Emergency

MURFREESBORO, TN – Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam declared a state of emergency on Tuesday morning after a Halloween Candy pipeline burst overnight in rural Kentucky, causing a potential Halloween Candy Shortage in Middle Tennessee.

“This is a precautionary measure as we are not currently seeing any widespread unavailability of candy corn or gummy worms in Tennessee,” Haslam said in a press release, which he foolishly thought would calm the masses of fat people yearning for a sugar high.

The Adult Onset Diabetes Pipeline, which flows from rural Kentucky into Middle Tennessee, carries approximately fourteen million pounds of Halloween Candy into Tennessee each fall. Tennesseans apparently just can’t get enough fatness, as they consistently eat whatever is pumped out of that pipeline.

In a press conference Tuesday morning, Governor Haslam remained adamant that a Halloween Candy Shortage is unlikely.

“It is important for the community to know that there is plenty of Halloween Candy,” said Governor Haslam. “The only way we could have a shortage of Halloween Candy is if everyone rushes out to buy candy at the same time, so please don’t do that.”

The community responded to this plea for civility as expected, rushing to every grocery store, gas station, and fat kid’s hollowed out bed post to find every morsel of candy available.

Despite Halloween Candy being available at nearly every store in Middle Tennessee, residents took to social media to voice panic and complaints.

mcgee

 

jenkins

As capitalists, the Tribune has set up the Tribune Candy Shop, which sells candy out of the back of the Mobile News Center, a windowless van that we bought off Craigslist.

The Tribune Candy Shop will have Reese’s Cups, Kit Kats, and Milk Duds for sale. You can keep that home-packed-in-a-white-bag shit to yourself.

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