Author: SamClemens (Page 3 of 12)

Business Pretty Sure Newspaper Award Worth Shameless Groveling

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s that time of year again! When local businesses bend over backwards, beg, borrow, steal, and threaten violence to your loved ones in exchange for a vote in an online popularity contest called The Ruthies.

Each year, the Daily Poo Journal, Rutherford County’s #1 soon-to-shut-down news source, hosts The Ruthies, an online voting competition that truly measures what local businesses will badger and harass friends and family most.

“It’s an honor to be nominated,” said Emily Leitner, who nominated herself. “To think that I took the time to type my own name into a nomination form. Just wow. So humbling.”

Leitner is one of many local businesses who use the Ruthies as an opportunity to keep in touch with friends and family by shamelessly asking for favors.

“I forgot it was August for a minute,” said Murfreesboro resident Jake Freeze. “But then my friend who is a physical therapist started blowing me up about voting for him and I knew it was Ruthies time again.”

Ruthies winners earn the distinct honor of receiving a plaque equal to or smaller than those earned by parks and recreation little league runners-up. Other accolades and advertising cost extra.

“It’s exciting,” said John Newcomb, who owns Pipsqueak Computers in Murfreesboro. “If we win, we get the chance to buy more promo materials and even some ad space. What a deal!”

Here at The Tribune, we applaud the Daily Poo Journal for its wit and creativity. After all, the Ruthies competition is likely the best that those junior college graduate ass hats could come up with. Try some real news, fellas.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Next Era of Head Trauma Patients Begin Medically-Cautioned Quest for High School Popularity

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Parks & Recreation hosted its first youth football practice last week, welcoming dozens of youngsters eager to shuck off the advice of every medical professional who has ever researched American football and pursue the unlikely chance that athletic excellence may yield high school popularity.

“It’s a great day for football,” said Coach Brick Rocke. “And I mean it. The overcast sky won’t create many issues when these ten year olds get their first concussion.”

“Gotta learn some time!” Rocke added with a hearty laugh and an involuntary eye twitch earned playing college football.

Local preteens spent the day learning football fundamentals, practicing tackling technique, and writing letters to former youth football players who currently reside in the Middle Tennessee Center for Brain Trauma (totally unrelated btw).

“It’s going to be a great season,” said Jack Thompson, whose son, Gunner, plays for the twelve year old Pop Warner team. “Gunner has totally recovered from his second knee replacement and hasn’t had night tremors in a solid three months. All systems go!”

The 2018 Murfreesboro Youth Football League is sponsored by Andrew Haskins, M.D. Dr. Haskins and his team of board-licensed neurosurgeons view the sponsorship as an investment in future brain injury patients.

“We love giving back to youth sports,” said Dr. Haskins. “And these kids are gonna beat their heads in anyways, so we may as well be the first name in mind when they return to consciousness.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Murfreesboro Tribune Joins Instagram, Slides Into DMs Daily

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Murfreesboro Tribune, once called the most vivacious news publication in the Cumberland Valley, joined the 21st Century this week, launching a soon-to-be-famous Instagram account.

You can follow all of the Tribune antics at: http://instagram.com/murfreesborotribune


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at[email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Free Candy Out of a Van (and Other Things to do This Weekend)

MURFREESBORO – Here at the Tribune, we love weekends. The Tribune Staff scoured upcoming local events to find some good, clean family-friendly activities for the upcoming weekend.

If you’re looking for things to do this weekend, here are some ideas straight from the Tribune Editorial Board:

1. Mayday Brewery Hot Chicken & Jorts Party
It’s deliciously trashy, but sufficiently entertaining. Join a cast of characters who have no business wearing cutoff jean shorts. Feeling adventurous? Embarrass yourself too. You have full permission from The Tribune.

2. Dress up as Chewbacca and Hand Out Candy in Public
Why is this reserved for Halloween? It’s August, which is a damn fine month for handing out candy. If you want to really garner public attention, bring your windowless van and hand the candy out of the back. Or, if you’re looking for things to do with that van…

3. Serve Ice Cream Bars Out of Your Windowless Van at the Soccer Park
Trust us: the parents will love it. Who wouldn’t love a benevolent, handsome, and fully-toothed stranger handing out free ice cream to brighten the days of young ones? If parents object, it’s probably because they’re the kind of parents that hand out trail mix at Halloween. It has nothing to do with the pure creep factor emanating from your van.

4. Quietly Resent Your Spouse
Because who the fuck does she think she is?

5. Kick Your Neighbor’s Dog When No One is Looking
That little dog has been asking for it. Wait until no one is looking, and kick that little bitch like Beckham. And we use bitch as the technical term for a female dog. This is a family publication folks, but we also strive for pure journalistic integrity. If your mother gives you a problem for reading it, tell that bitch to keep it to herself.


If you have events that you would like to be submitted for future editions of “What to Do This Weekend,” you can send those events to [email protected].

City Prepares for Annual Tradition of Ignoring MTSU Athletics

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become a treasured pastime in Rutherford County, Murfreesboro Mayor Sugar Shane McHarland announced Wednesday that the City of Murfreesboro has started preparations for the 2018 season of fully and comprehensively ignoring MTSU Athletics.

“It’s that time of year again,” said Mayor McHarland to those gathered at a mid-morning press conference, holding back a smile. ” We can gather our loved ones and plan activities as if the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders simply do not exist.”

Mayor McHarland retrieved the Murfreesboro City Charter, kept in the mayor’s personal safe behind a stack of cash and a pile of unidentified white powder. The Charter incorporated the City of Murfreesboro in 1817 and included the mission behind ignoring MTSU Athletics.

Every size of citizen that we can measure
knows that ignoring MTSU is a time that we must treasure.

Murfreesboro City Charter, Paragraph 13

The crowd gathered for the press conference echoed Mayor McHarland and Councilman Shade, frequently yelling horrific obscenities such as “Roll Tide!” “War Eagle!” “Geaux Tigers!” and “Go Vols!” Despite such evidence of public indecency, no arrests have been made at this time.

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team confirmed that the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders will participate in the 2018-2019 NCAA Football Season and NCAA Basketball Season. However, research has also confirmed, based upon the number of obnoxious social media posts made exclusively by fans of the University of Tennessee and the University of Alabama, that this city is once again primed to not give a single shit about Blue Raider Athletics.

“It’s a magical time of year,” said McHarland, in closing. “Cherish this time with your families and, before we know it, this season will pass and we will be ready to cheer on Kentucky Basketball.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at[email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Taxpayers Pretty Excited About Paying for Lip Sync Battle

MURFREESBORO, TN – Last week, the Murfreesboro Police Department and Murfreesboro Fire Department released a Lip Sync Challenge Video, a riveting addition to the peaked-weeks-ago law enforcement viral challenge performed entirely by city employees who are paid through your generous, even if forced, tax contributions.

Citing “numerous requests on social media,” including requests from the Captain, the Sergeant, and McGruff the Crime Dog, the fully-publicly-funded departments hastily launched an ill-advised voyage into low budget cinematography.

“We might have been a little late to the game,” said Police Department Spokeswoman Melinda Knight Shyamalan, “but I think the public will see that it was well worth the wait.”

“We all agreed that this video production was much more important than fighting crime or serving the public good,” Shyamalan added, echoing taxpayer praise for the practical equivalent of a summer camp skit being performed with public resources.

City employees, whose wages are paid entirely through mandatory citizen taxes and the sweet mercy of the Lord, collaborated with country rapper Big Smo “to add a WOW factor,” according to Shyamalan.

“We wanted a celebrity,” said Fire Department Media Strategist Martina Scorsese. “But not just any celebrity. We wanted someone that ninety-six percent of the country would have to google to figure out who the hell he even is.”

The finished product, hailed as “the whitest thing since Prairie Home Companion,” features enough head nodding and awkward thrusting to sufficiently piss off the preacher from Footloose.

The Murfreesboro Tribune obtained a leaked copy of the directorial notes, which instructed city employees to “nod along like you’re at a middle school dance” and “try and act like your one black friend.”

“I think it’s hilarious,” said Nora Jennings, whose trailer on Tennessee Boulevard burned to the ground while fire trucks were being used across town to lift an obscure country rapper and his matching flag off the ground.

“Definitely worth it,” Jennings wheezed between smoke-filled coughs.

At the time this article is written, Shyamalan and Scorsese hinted that the departments may collaborate on a Harlem Shake video next to show how cool and topical and hip they are.

“But only if we can do it on the clock,” Scorsese added with a wink.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

City Council Expands West, Adds “Hot Rod” Martin

MURFREESBORO, TN – A few years back, a handful of loud and obnoxious citizens complained that the Murfreesboro City Council lacked geographical diversity in its representation.

The Murfreesboro Tribune reported on a similar lack of geographical diversity in city whore houses.

The voters of Murfreesboro listened to The Tribune this past week, electing teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin, who runs The Puckett Palace in West Murfreesboro.

“I’m thrilled to get the job,” said Martin. “Some of the finest honeys in town are from Puckett Station and now the whole city’s gonna know.”

The addition of Martin is unlikely to shut up the guys who just like to bitch about everything.

“What about Bradyville Pike?” one commenter posted on Facebook.

Uh, what about it?

“Some day everyone in this town will be represented!” wrote another.

Collectively, the pre-21st century black population is like “LOL oh you don’t have geographical representation? That sounds terrible.”

Welcome to The Show, Hot Roddie.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Social Media Update: CrossFit Douche Currently Working Out

MURFREESBORO, TN – Recent social media posts have confirmed that Full-Time CrossFit Instructor and Amateur Instagram Model* Wod Wodley is in fact working out right now.

“Out here making GAINS!” Wodley posted on Instagram, accompanied by a picture of him throwing a tire at a Renaissance-era archery target (the fuck?).

Wodley followers had reached fever pitch about his six hour absence from social media prior to the post.

“It’s not like Wod to stay off of Instagram for more than thirty minutes or so,” said Rachel Hendrix, a CrossFit Enthusiast and Wodley Disciple. “I mean look at his body!”

At the time of print, Wodley was last seen juggling tire irons (uh what?) in between sets of burpees.

“This is f***ing fantastic,” commented Dr. James Archer, an orthopedic surgeon in Murfreesboro and avid fan of absurd form and reckless exercise.

“Keep it up guys,” Archer added. “I need some more torn up knees and shoulders to put my kids through college.”


* By “Instagram Model” The Murfreesboro Tribune is using the Webster’s Dictionary definition, which borrows heavily from Urban Dictionary, as follows: “An extreme selfie taker, usually with a nice body, an empty bank account, and hopes of a celebrity paying attention at some point.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Teachers Complain About School Return After Nine F***ing Weeks Off

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become an August tradition unlike any other, school teachers have taken to social media with vague grumblings of having to actually work for a living like the rest of the peasants who worked during the months of June and July.

“OMG school is back this week,” tweeted Jennifer Edgell, a third grade teacher at John Pittard Elementary School, comfortably resting poolside for the ninth consecutive week. “This is unbelievable!” she tweeted between sips of her third margarita.

Blackman Middle School sixth grade teacher Mark Goodman took to Facebook to express his disbelief that an employer would expect a return to employment after about sixty days of slumber. “Wow this summer flew by!” Goodman remarked. “Seems like that way for everyone I talked to!”

Is that right, Mark? Your doctor, accountant, mailman, grocery store clerk, lawyer, barista, pizza delivery guy, chiropractor, plumber, carpet cleaner, and insurance salesman all complained that their summer break was equally short? Yeah. Our weekends did seem short.

At least one educator, Siegel High School math teacher JoAnne Hoekstra, seemed satisfied that teachers would be returning to paid vacation shortly.

“Fall Break can’t come soon enough y’all,” Hoekstra tweeted. “Pray for me!”

Yes, JoAnne. We will pray for the eight consecutive weeks of work that will be required of you until the taxpayers mercifully grant another nine days of paid vacation for Fall Break. We are all with you on this.

Pray for the teachers, y’all. It’s hard out there.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Says a Serial Killer is in Murfreesboro so Goodbye World

MURFREESBORO – Well, there’s a serial killer on the loose, so it looks like we are all pretty much done for. Several recent Facebook posts convincingly prove that a serial killer is stalking Murfreesboro, leaving a wake of disappearances and dead bodies in his/her/hir/its/their wake.

At least one citizen reached out to local law enforcement and was stunned to learn that law enforcement had already investigated each incident (what?) and found that the incidents were entirely unrelated (WHAT?).

Three thousand other citizens just shared the damn post on social media and ran to the safe room of their home for protection.

At least one media outlet is recklessly reporting that reports of a serial killer are false. When we all die a violent, murderous, and potentially arousing death, let’s all remember that the media lied to you and caused your death.

Here at The Tribune, we have the utmost faith in social media vagaries, so we are left to conclude that a serial killer is loose and we are all completely and hopelessly fucked.

Since we are all going to die a violent death anyways, we have nothing to lose, so here is a list of people and/or things that we don’t like:

  • Mustard
  • People who wear capes
  • Mayor McHarland (I’ve written you like six letters, Sugar Shane. A response wouldn’t kill you.)
  • The films of Wes Anderson
  • Others who chew food loudly
  • Frat guys
  • Natty Light
  • Frat guys holding Natty Light
  • Vaping
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the elevator
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the checkout line
  • Loud cell phone talkers anywhere, really
  • Literally misusing the word literally
  • The Asian guy in front of me at airport security EVERY TIME
  • Vegans who talk about being vegans
  • Vegans who talk to anyone
  • All vegans
  • Real Nashville News
  • Circus peanuts candy

Goodbye world. It’s been a hell of a run.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at [email protected]. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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