Author: SamClemens (page 2 of 11)

City Council Expands West, Adds “Hot Rod” Martin

MURFREESBORO, TN – A few years back, a handful of loud and obnoxious citizens complained that the Murfreesboro City Council lacked geographical diversity in its representation.

The Murfreesboro Tribune reported on a similar lack of geographical diversity in city whore houses.

The voters of Murfreesboro listened to The Tribune this past week, electing teen heart throb Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin, who runs The Puckett Palace in West Murfreesboro.

“I’m thrilled to get the job,” said Martin. “Some of the finest honeys in town are from Puckett Station and now the whole city’s gonna know.”

The addition of Martin is unlikely to shut up the guys who just like to bitch about everything.

“What about Bradyville Pike?” one commenter posted on Facebook.

Uh, what about it?

“Some day everyone in this town will be represented!” wrote another.

Collectively, the pre-21st century black population is like “LOL oh you don’t have geographical representation? That sounds terrible.”

Welcome to The Show, Hot Roddie.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Social Media Update: CrossFit Douche Currently Working Out

MURFREESBORO, TN – Recent social media posts have confirmed that Full-Time CrossFit Instructor and Amateur Instagram Model* Wod Wodley is in fact working out right now.

“Out here making GAINS!” Wodley posted on Instagram, accompanied by a picture of him throwing a tire at a Renaissance-era archery target (the fuck?).

Wodley followers had reached fever pitch about his six hour absence from social media prior to the post.

“It’s not like Wod to stay off of Instagram for more than thirty minutes or so,” said Rachel Hendrix, a CrossFit Enthusiast and Wodley Disciple. “I mean look at his body!”

At the time of print, Wodley was last seen juggling tire irons (uh what?) in between sets of burpees.

“This is f***ing fantastic,” commented Dr. James Archer, an orthopedic surgeon in Murfreesboro and avid fan of absurd form and reckless exercise.

“Keep it up guys,” Archer added. “I need some more torn up knees and shoulders to put my kids through college.”


* By “Instagram Model” The Murfreesboro Tribune is using the Webster’s Dictionary definition, which borrows heavily from Urban Dictionary, as follows: “An extreme selfie taker, usually with a nice body, an empty bank account, and hopes of a celebrity paying attention at some point.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Teachers Complain About School Return After Nine F***ing Weeks Off

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what has become an August tradition unlike any other, school teachers have taken to social media with vague grumblings of having to actually work for a living like the rest of the peasants who worked during the months of June and July.

“OMG school is back this week,” tweeted Jennifer Edgell, a third grade teacher at John Pittard Elementary School, comfortably resting poolside for the ninth consecutive week. “This is unbelievable!” she tweeted between sips of her third margarita.

Blackman Middle School sixth grade teacher Mark Goodman took to Facebook to express his disbelief that an employer would expect a return to employment after about sixty days of slumber. “Wow this summer flew by!” Goodman remarked. “Seems like that way for everyone I talked to!”

Is that right, Mark? Your doctor, accountant, mailman, grocery store clerk, lawyer, barista, pizza delivery guy, chiropractor, plumber, carpet cleaner, and insurance salesman all complained that their summer break was equally short? Yeah. Our weekends did seem short.

At least one educator, Siegel High School math teacher JoAnne Hoekstra, seemed satisfied that teachers would be returning to paid vacation shortly.

“Fall Break can’t come soon enough y’all,” Hoekstra tweeted. “Pray for me!”

Yes, JoAnne. We will pray for the eight consecutive weeks of work that will be required of you until the taxpayers mercifully grant another nine days of paid vacation for Fall Break. We are all with you on this.

Pray for the teachers, y’all. It’s hard out there.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Facebook Says a Serial Killer is in Murfreesboro so Goodbye World

MURFREESBORO – Well, there’s a serial killer on the loose, so it looks like we are all pretty much done for. Several recent Facebook posts convincingly prove that a serial killer is stalking Murfreesboro, leaving a wake of disappearances and dead bodies in his/her/hir/its/their wake.

At least one citizen reached out to local law enforcement and was stunned to learn that law enforcement had already investigated each incident (what?) and found that the incidents were entirely unrelated (WHAT?).

Three thousand other citizens just shared the damn post on social media and ran to the safe room of their home for protection.

At least one media outlet is recklessly reporting that reports of a serial killer are false. When we all die a violent, murderous, and potentially arousing death, let’s all remember that the media lied to you and caused your death.

Here at The Tribune, we have the utmost faith in social media vagaries, so we are left to conclude that a serial killer is loose and we are all completely and hopelessly fucked.

Since we are all going to die a violent death anyways, we have nothing to lose, so here is a list of people and/or things that we don’t like:

  • Mustard
  • People who wear capes
  • Mayor McHarland (I’ve written you like six letters, Sugar Shane. A response wouldn’t kill you.)
  • The films of Wes Anderson
  • Others who chew food loudly
  • Frat guys
  • Natty Light
  • Frat guys holding Natty Light
  • Vaping
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the elevator
  • Loud cell phone talkers in the checkout line
  • Loud cell phone talkers anywhere, really
  • Literally misusing the word literally
  • The Asian guy in front of me at airport security EVERY TIME
  • Vegans who talk about being vegans
  • Vegans who talk to anyone
  • All vegans
  • Real Nashville News
  • Circus peanuts candy

Goodbye world. It’s been a hell of a run.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Psych! Sheriff Hosts Punk’d Episode with Local Business Owners

MURFREESBORO, TN – The Rutherford County Sheriff’s Office revealed Tuesday morning that Operation Candy Crush, which includes the comically ill-fated misadventures of a local sheriff and district attorney who fail to understand basic hemp processing, is actually part of the pilot of a local hidden camera prank show similar to MTV’s Punk’d.

The announcement came the day after media outlets reported that charges may be dismissed against store owners in the ongoing War on Gummies.

“We can’t wait to release this footage,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “When you see how horrifically ham-handed our treatment of relatively innocuous CBD candies looks on tape, you’ll agree that this shit is hilarious.”

“We promise this has been the plan all along, so let’s just cut out all this lawsuit talk,” he added, trailing off nervously.

Sheriff Putzhugh announced that Operation Candy Crush will span the first two episodes of the new hidden camera series, aptly titled This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement.

“I’m just glad to be part of the production,” said District Attorney Abraham Lincoln. “Honestly, I’ve thought that these guys are hilarious for years. They’re like that little train that keeps on chugging up the mountain. One day, the little train just loses steam and plunges back downhill, erupting into a flame of high crimes and misdemeanors.”

According to the production team, future episodes of This Isn’t Fake This is Just Us Recording Rutherford County Law Enforcement will include such family-friendly hijinks as police brutality, falsification of immigration documents, and public corruption.

“It’s gonna be hilarious,” added Sheriff Putzhugh. “We cannot emphasize enough that our officers are not actually this incompetent. This is all done for the sake of comedy.”

At the time this article is published, Sheriff Putzhugh sat in his office working desperately to convince himself that he is telling at least partial truths.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Police Crack Down on CBD Oil, to Worry About Opioids Later

MURFREESBORO, TN – In what is being hailed as the largest drug crackdown on the District Attorney’s chalkboard to-do list, authorities padlocked twenty-three stores in Rutherford County on Monday accused of selling products containing Cannabidiol, also known as CBD, a canniboid oil that is moderately more mind-altering than your typical over-the-counter pain medicine.

Just last month, Governor Haslam unveiled a $30 Million plan to combat the opioid crisis in Tennessee, but Rutherford County law enforcement authorities were smart enough to realize that Tennessee already has its opioid epidemic completely under control, choosing instead to focus its efforts on preventing the spread of low-THC candies.

“This is a landmark day for law enforcement,” said Rutherford County Sheriff Mickey Putzhugh. “We are here to send a message that, despite the fact that opioids are ravaging our communities, our priority is to prevent the spread of a little-known and rarely-used hemp oil that is pretty damn legal in a pretty damn good number of places.”

“He’s right,” echoed District Attorney Abraham Lincoln, conspicuously missing his signature top hat. “The courts are here to ensure that those targeted by law enforcement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and the law is here to ensure that those targeted will be those selling an oil that most people had to f***ing Google to even know what it is.”

Lincoln’s statement is supported by a recent Murfreesboro Tribune survey, which revealed that zero percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers could properly articulate what CBD even stood for without polling the audience of phoning a friend, despite one hundred percent of Murfreesboro Tribune writers having a personal connection to the opioid crisis.

Law enforcement officials emphasized that the seized CBD products will be taken off the street for good.

“It’s negligible whether these oils even get you high,” said Sheriff Putzhugh, popping a CBD candy into his mouth. “But they’re damn delicious, and we are going to make sure that these gummies will be stored into evidence and served at the Annual Office Christmas Party.”

In the time it took to write this article, another Tennessee citizen likely died from an opioid overdose. But, sure, let’s get out there and stop those CBD gummies from destroying our communities.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Reports of Ice Plunge Local Grocery Store Into Anarchy, Tribal Warfare

MURFREESBORO, TN – Weather reports predicting ice and potential snowfall have catapulted Murfreesboro and Middle Tennessee into senseless violence and anarchy as citizens fight to the death for bread, milk, and kettle chips.

Temperatures fell significantly on Friday and the threat of ice storms blanketed the city, as precipitation mixed with low temperatures to create a Southern driver’s worst nightmare: anything but a sunny country road with some George Jones on the radio.

The Murfreesboro Police Department received at least six reports of violence at the Publix on South Rutherford Boulevard. The first call was received at approximately 11:00 a.m., shortly after word spread throughout the store that ice may be present in the parking lot outside. The store quickly descended into violence, as if everyone had huffed on the same can of spray paint and lost their damn mind.

“At first, I didn’t notice anything suspicious,” said one witness to the initial altercation. “But then someone mentioned that there may be ice on the roads, and things just went shit backwards.”

At the time this article is written, the Publix on South Rutherford has descended into tribal warfare. We encourage our readers to steer clear of that location. The produce department stands at war with the bakery, with respective chiefs dueling for rights to the east side of the grocery store. Another battle rages on between the salad dressing aisle and baking aisle.

This story is developing.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

School Board: “It’s Sixty Degrees. Let’s Close Some Schools.”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Taking a fresh puff of his finest herb and cracking a beer straight out of his cooler on an unusally warm winter day, Rutherford County Schools Director Jack Frost boldly declared that county schools will close Friday in anticipation of a savage ice storm. 

“I think we can all agree that the weather tomorrow is threatening,” Frost said, wiping sweat from his brow. “It’s hot as tits out here right now, but just wait.”

Frost eventually stripped layers to compensate for the heat, emphasizing that it’s sure gonna get cold here in a few hours. 

The School Board supported Director Frost, emphasizing that a heat wave is typically the right time to predict ice and close schools. 

“We aren’t in school in July,” said Board Member Rudolph Deere. “But if we were, we would be closing every other day. Sometimes it’s just so hot that you know an ice storm is coming.”

The announcement came as a surprise to the suburban oasis of Murfreesboro, as residents calmly basked in the sixty-seven degree temperature. 

The Murfreesboro Tribune Investigative Team would have iinvestigated, but the team refused to leave the neighborhood block party and cookout, which is usually held in July, but which fit the weather pretty nice.

“We just hope that the community has the same foresight as us,” Director Frost added, coughing out some smoke. “You have to act early. Read the internet, damnit. And act!”

Alabama Fans Celebrate, Expect 7,000 New Births, At Least Four Forks in Family Trees

WHITE TRASH, USA – The Alabama Crimson Tide won another National Championship on Monday night, defeating the University of Georgia in dramatic fashion. Trailer parks are rocking throughout America as Alabama fans celebrate another year of vicarious greatness in a destined-to-be-outlawed athletic competition.

The Alabama Department of Safety, working out of its satellite office in the Chester’s Fried Chicken facilities on Cahaba Road in Birmingham, announced that it is expecting a baby boom in the coming months, which will result from joyful championship celebration.

“We expect a significant increase in children born in approximately seven to nine months,” said Alabama Department of Safety Spokesman Joseph Durtt. “Early estimates place the boom at seven thousand new births, with sixty percent of those to be named either Nick, Saban, or Bear.”

In an equally significant estimate, Durtt announced that the family trees throughout the State of Alabama are expected to fork at least four times, the largest expansion in statewide genetic diversity in decades.

“We are thrilled,” added Durtt. “We haven’t seen this kind of celebration and excitement since they made a movie out of To Kill a Mockingbird so we could all finally understand it through them moving pictures.”

“Don’t worry,” Durtt added with a wink. “The trees are forking a couple of times, but there will still be plenty of white folks around to run things.”

Economists predict an eventual stock surge and economic windfall for Mountain Dew, used car parts vendors, anything denim, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Row Tide, y’all. Row Tide.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Parents Pretty Damn Excited About School Starting Back

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018. More importantly, it’s the day that schools return from Christmas Break and you can finally drop your shitbag kids back off to a criminally underpaid childcare provider.

Sure, the first few days of Christmas Break were wonderful. You slept in together, made waffles, and watched Christmas movies, all in anticipation of the impending holiday season, filled with laughter, cheer, and thankfulness.

But then January happened. And it’s been eight damn days of cold, rain, and horrible stories from your kids. Yes, Jared. I heard about what all the other kids have on their backpacks and no we can’t go buy that shit just because Bryson has it on his backpack too.

For a week now, your work schedule has been crippled by having to find some poor soul to watch these hoodlums for several hours a day. No more!

It’s Monday, January 8, in the year of our Lord 2018, and you are free. Drop those kids off, get to your desk, and pour yourself a cup of coffee in peace.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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