Author: SamClemens (page 1 of 12)

Patron Would Rather Take Bullet Than Stay at Whiskey Dix Any Longer, a Little Dramatic But We All Get It

MURFREESBORO, TN – In the early hours of Sunday morning, after a Saturday evening filled with shitty beer, line dancing, twerking(?), and a pleasant mixture of white trash, sorority girls, and those awkward middle aged people who all have DUIs but keep showing up to college bars every weekend anyways, Bob Zurowsky decided he had had enough of Whiskey Dix.

Around 1:00 a.m. Sunday morning, Zurowsky finished a Natty Light and pulled his nickel Smith & Wesson Model 10 out of his waist band, deciding that the quickest way to get the hell out of the bar was to take measures into his own hands.

“I had asked my friend Marshall two or three times to leave,” said Zurowsky, resting in his hospital bed, appearing nervous, but calm and ready. “He was locked into these $2 jello shooters and I couldn’t get him away.”

At some point, Zurowsky, possibly lost in the music, pulled the gun from his waist band and the gun immediately discharged into his own leg.

“It was like magic,” Zurowsky recalled. “All of the sudden, everyone helped get me out of the bar. It was like my own personal panic button.”

A brief canvass of fellow patrons confirmed that we all pretty much get it: there isn’t much we wouldn’t do to get the hell out of Whiskey Dix on a Saturday night.

“Look, if you had one shot to seize everything you ever wanted, would you capture it?” Zurowsky asked of himself,” or would you let it slip?”

It appears Zurowsky decided to capture it.

As of the time this article is written, the investigation into the shooting is ongoing. We have already drawn our conclusions, and are unlikely to change those conclusions, but this is America so keep investigating.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

God Selects Peter Demos to Build Ark, Fight This Flood

MURFREESBORO, TN – Peter Demos stood in the rain at a quickly-called press conference on Wednesday afternoon and announced that his immediate focus will shift from restaurant management to building an ark to save the City of Murfreesboro from oncoming floods.

“My mission in life and business has long been to provide exceptional food and service at affordable prices,” Demos told the four people walking by who noticed him standing in the rain holding a Little Tikes microphone set. “Now I have a new mission: to build an ark to protect the community from the great flood.”

According to Demos, God spoke to him while at the restaurant, which is where Demos knows God to spend most of his free time.

“God is normally at Demos’ for a quick lunch,” Demos noted. “He spends it with his buddies Earl and Clark from the tire shop. They tip well.”

Demos recounted that the Lord finished his soup, turned to Demos, and selected him to build an ark to save the community from torrential floods.

“That day, he enjoyed the Mexican Spaghetti, one of our finest meals,” Demos recalled. “You get the spaghetti, a side our delicious soup, and our baked rolls all for $5.99. It’s a great deal. In truth, we have many daily specials that are great deals. You’ve got the grilled Italian sausage spaghetti, the tilapia special, the chili stuffed potato…”

Demos spent about thirteen minutes reciting Demos’ lunch specials, during which time three of the four people in attendance left. After reiterating the great value at his restaurant, he returned to the topic at hand.

“God clearly charged me with building an ark and loading my family, my friends, and at least three months of hot chicken and rice soup on board,” Demos said.

“He digs the soup,” Demos added. “And who can blame him? It’s hot, it’s delicious, and it’s Southern Baptist approved.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Shock Report: Libertarians Oppose Tax Increase and Will Yell at You About It

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a stunning report released by the Murfreesboro Tribune Social Media Investigations Unit, local libertarians are pretty damn pissed about a proposed tax increase and hold a 99.986% chance of yelling at you about it.

“I always thought that the liberty crowd was so friendly,” said Murfreesboro resident Ronnie Paul. “I’ve never seen any libertarian over-sharing on social media to the point of getting almost universally blocked, sharing absurd and widely-debunked conspiracy theories, decrying the two-party system, or suspiciously over-stocking a doomsday bunker. They’ve always been so kind and non-confrontational about politics.”

A field study conducted by the Tribune found the following range of responses when an unknowing citizen or unlucky social media user inadvertently engaged a libertarian about a potential tax increase:

99.986% – Libertarian Yelling
63.642% – Libertarian yells about taxes
22.381% – Libertarian yells about government in general
8.218% – Libertarian yells about the two-party system
5.745% – Libertarian yells about the rising threat of authoritarianism

0.014% – Other Libertarian Actions
0.011% – Libertarian engages in poetry slam about the welfare state
0.004% – Libertarian shares excerpt of Ron Paul themed erotic fiction

“This report confirms what we have believed for a long time,” said Tribune Reporter Ron Cato. “Individuals who share libertarian political articles and memes possess staggering odds of yelling at you about increasing taxes.”

“Be informed,” Cato added. “And be ready.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Satire Writer Has Plenty of Cocaine, Asks for 39% More

MURFREESBORO, TN – Renowned satirist, philanthropist, and philanderer Sam Clemens has a bold proposition for his followers and financial backers: a 39% increase in cocaine acquisition.

“When I set my annual budget this month, I started thinking about what I need in the coming year,” said Clemens, whose fiscal year begins June 7 each year because it’s a fake fiscal year for a fake newspaper. “The answer was pretty easy: more blow.”

Clemens made the announcement from his personal library, seated in front of a mound of cocaine that would make Scarface blush.

“Listen, I get that I could use the cocaine I already have,” Clemens added, frequently sniffling for no apparent reason. “But that’s not as fun. I’d rather blindly ask for 39% more and y’all can trust me– I’ll use it well.”

Clemens excused himself to tend to a nose bleed, during which the Tribune obtained a personal note from him, which read:

WHY I NEED 39% MORE

Growth

Parks

Think of the Children

SOCCER TOURNAMENTS

So Builders Won’t Have to Pay It

Upon Clemens return, he snatched the note away, coolly confirming that the 39% increase is all but a done deal.

“It’s the next big step,” Clemens quipped. “This place is booming!”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Rainstorms Threaten Hot Rod Martin’s Hair, Mayor Declares State of Emergency

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Mayor Shane “Sugar Shane” McHarland declared a City-Wide State of Emergency on Wednesday morning, citing continued rainfall and its effects on the public health.

“The City of Murfreesboro has been battered by rain for what seems like years,” Mayor McHarland told a small group of reporters this morning. “At this time, we are in need of emergency reserves to combat the weather and its effects on city employees.”

While Mayor McHarland declined to provide specifics, a source close to the City Council confirmed that the emergency declaration came shortly after Councilman Roddie “Hot Rod” Martin was caught in a rainstorm during his morning commute, but did not have an umbrella for protection.

According to confidential sources, the rain pelted Martin’s signature hairstyle, threatening the overall handsomeness of the Murfreesboro City Council and forcing Mayor McHarland into action.

“We have used the emergency funds to invest in proper rain protection for all city employees, including Councilman Martin,” McHarland added after being asked for comment. “For the sake of God and country, his hair must remain undisturbed by the elements.”

This story is developing.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Single People So Happy For You, Very Interested in Your Valentine’s Day Posts

MURFREESBORO, TN – Recent interviews confirmed that all of your single friends are very interested in your Valentine’s Day posts on social media. According to various statements, the posts encourage your friends, inspire them to be better, and develop long term happiness.

Hank Sadd, a spokesman for the Murfreesboro Single Awareness League, reiterated that single people everywhere are just so damn happy for you.

“We love it,” Sadd said. “Every time you post about the flowers you received, the cards you gave, how happy you are with your significant other, and all of the great times you two have shared together, it just fills us up with happiness.”

Asked if posts of this nature may cause resentment, jealousy, or depression among single people, Sadd quickly denied any negativity.

“Of course not,” Sadd laughed, with an awkward, seemingly-forced smile. “Who told you that? Karen? Because she is a f***ing sociopath and I’m totally over her.”

Sadd left the interview to finish an eight page handwritten letter begging Karen to take him back.

Other SAL representatives declined to comment, instead spending their Valentine’s Day alone in thought, ruminating on past failed relationships, and drowning sorrows in cheap vodka.

“Seriously though, guys, we are so happy for you,” Sadd sobbed through tears. “Please keep mercilessly pounding us with your messages of happiness. It makes this made-up holiday so damn easy.”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Blizzard Update: Take Your Kids to School JK Go Home

MURFREESBORO, TN – It’s Snowpocalypse 2019! To celebrate, the Rutherford County School System held an abbreviated school day, consisting of a frozen drive to school and a brief stint in the dropoff line.

“I want to ensure the public that schools are open,” said Schools Spokesman Jim Bevins. “So make sure to bring your kids in. Also, schools are now closed.”

Parents were thrilled with the decision to close school after waking up early, preparing breakfast, wrangling their little shits out of bed, declining to pursue childcare because school was not canceled, ensuring their respective workplaces that school was in and they could attend, making plans to attend work, scraping snow and ice off their cars, arriving to school and waiting in line behind Janet and her goddamn mini van, and threatening physical violence against the car line monitor who happened to be the bearer of bad news.

“It’s important that the public knows that we do not take these decisions lightly,” Bevins added. “We have consulted our magic eight ball and we are confident that school should be closed immediately.”

Bevins shook his eight ball aggressively and added “outlook not so good.”

At the time of publication, schools have been called back into session but then subsequently canceled.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Satire Writer Gone for Weeks, Acting Like Satire is Just a Hobby

MURFREESBORO, TN – In a continuous disappointment to the four people who actually appreciate good satire, local satirist Sam Clemens is out here acting like his fake newspaper is just a hobby.

Clemens, known to the Murfreesboro community for his wit, charm, and virility, created a fake newspaper years ago that has generated enough popularity to pay him zero dollars and zero cents to date.

Over the past few years, Clemens has disappeared for weeks or months at a time on multiple occasions, including a notorious Facebook ban. Upon his return, Clemens often provides some far-fetched explanation that your great aunt thinks may not be entirely accurate.

“Where does he go for weeks at time?” Asked one commenter. “How can he just neglect satire writing like it’s just a hobby?”

Editor’s Note: Satire is actually just a hobby to Sam Clemens. Satire does not pay for rent, groceries, or Asian massage parlors (yet). If you have a complaint about his absence or vacation time, please see our Contact Page.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

Group Gathers at Local Hospital, Protests Naming Newborn Baby “Raider”

MURFREESBORO, TN – Protesters filled the parking lot of Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital on Thursday in opposition of newborn baby Raider Allen Johnson, born late Wednesday evening.

The protest focused on the name Raider, which protesters have called offensive, insensitive, and culturally unacceptable.

“The word Raider brings up all kinds of negative connotations,” said protester Thomas Jenkins. “We understand that there may be a perfectly legitimate reason for naming this child Raider, but the parents should understand that if some part of the community can be offended by another interpretation of a naming choice, that name has got to be stopped at all costs.”

Other protesters echoed that, while there may be a legitimate reason for the name, such as family lineage or just personal preference, the fact that the name could be loosely tied to racism means it should be banned from use.

“Listen, I’m all for Myleigh, Briley, Hexley, Hylee, Tyleigh, Aiden, Braden, Jaden, Kaden, Paiden, and all the other ways that white people can just destroy first names,” said protester Faith Killion, whose children, Payzlee and Braisley were also present. “But you keep that racist Raider bullshit out of here.”

When asked if she would approve the name Rayderr (with two “R” at the end), she immediately changed her tune.

“Wow that’s so unique and creative,” she said. “I really like it.”

At the time of this story, the protesters have asked the community to take a stand against this word, whether or not the parents meant it to be racist or not.

“It’s time to take a stand,” protesters yelled. “If we are offended, you should be too!”


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

UT Fans Prepare for Annual Bowl Game Bye

KNOXVILLE, TN – In what has become a beloved Tennessee tradition, University of Tennessee football fans are making plans for an Annual Bowl Game Bye.

“It’s awesome,” said Jake AllVol. “Our family enjoys taking trips around the holidays and we are so happy to make those plans and not have to worry about a college bowl game.”

The holiday tradition originated in the 1960s, but returned recently thanks to former High School Football State Champion Derek Dooley and the 2011 Tennessee Volunteers, who ushered in a renewed era of middling mediocracy.

“I think that Dooley knew we needed a break,” said Vols fan G.B. Orange. “Winning is great, but giving your fans some time off is the true test of commitment.”

Despite a perennial label of a “Dark Horse National Championship Contender” by that one obnoxious jackass at work, the Tennessee Volunteers have enjoyed a Bowl Game Bye for five of the last eight seasons.

The Bowl Game Bye was briefly suspended from 2014 to 2016, when star quarterback Josh Dobbs led the Volunteers to three consecutive bowl games. Fans quickly complained of the additional games, which interrupted holiday plans, and the Tennessee Volunteers returned to form in recent years.

“They heard us loud and clear,” said Tennessee fan Linda Fulmer. “Butch Jones laid the path back to a Bowl Game Bye brick by brick, and the Vols are walking that road.”

If you’re interested in real life football and not overhyped-and-destined-to-underperformed talks of “next year,” you can watch the following college football teams from the State of Tennessee actually play football this year: Vanderbilt, Memphis, and Middle Tennessee State.

It doesn’t have to be a bye week, guys.


Sam Clemens is the man smart enough to start a fake newspaper. He can be reached with comments, compliments, and salutations at murfreesborotribune@gmail.com. If you have a complaint, please see our Contact Page.

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