Author: Eddie Poe (page 1 of 2)

From the Street: Staying Cool in a Heat Wave

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro has seen a recent heat wave, replete with increasing temperatures, unwelcome spaghetti straps, and Crocs.

Fortunately, every person in Murfreesboro appears to own just enough clothing to cover up those naughty bits and take the twin tassels for a leisurely stroll, leaving the shame at home.

Our man Eddie Poe took to the street to get some advice about how to stay cool in a heat wave.

From the Street: How do you stay cool in a heat wave?

I smoke Kool menthol Cigarettes. The 110’s. I’m cool as fuck right now, but you probably can’t hear me through this thick haze of flavor.
Chazz Formerjock, Local Electrician

If I were my mother-in-law, I’d spend the day telling everyone else how hot it is, because no-one couldn’t possibly know or understand thermal change without her say so.
Elizabeth Whyte, Former Resident

My bestie told me to wait for the ice cream truck to randomly show up like it’s a text from my ex, Tyler. Have you heard from him?
Poplin Daniels, Retail Worker

Back in my day, we’d hop head-first into an empty pool and get transported magically to an air conditioned emergency room, but I’m from Canada.
Richard Colter, Tech Analyst 


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

From the Street: Weinermobile Hits Middle Tennessee

The Weinermobile, a beloved automobile built in the shape of an Oscar Mayer Weiner, will make stops in Smyrna and Murfreesboro this week in an effort to promote the company’s recent efforts to make their hot dogs healthier.

Here at the Tribune, we are a very serious news organization. Just because this article uses the word weiner doesn’t mean we would make penis jokes. Those would just be too hard to keep up.

[ba dum tsssh]

Our man Eddie Poe took to the streets to find out your thoughts on the phantastical phallic phenom working its way through Middle Tennessee. Fair warning, if this thing remains in town more than four hours, consult a doctor.

From the Street: What do you think about the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile coming to Middle Tennessee?


“A phallic, gas-guzzling machine resembling a food made of pig anus is going to be in town next week? Who’s going to be in D.C. voting to repeal Obamacare, then?”
Sally Samuelson, Program Specialist

 

I’ll pass. I used to be a Weinermobile groupie—no way they’re going to be able to match my crazy nights in the rent-by-the-hour hotels of Madison, Wisconsin.”
Ginger Nathans, Cashier

 

“I read about how Oscar Mayer made them free from artificial preservatives and by-products while avoiding added nitrites and nitrates, but I don’t know what any of that means.”
Bob Eufler, Insurance Salesman


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Facebook Page Claims City Manager Fired, Post Later Deleted

A Facebook post by the group Tennesseans Against Corruption incorrectly asserted that Murfreesboro City Manager Robbie “Roarin’ Rob” Lyons lost his job. The post was later deleted, but the post nonetheless sent shockwaves through the six people who regularly check the page.

Our man Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you thought about the potential firing of Roarin’ Rob.


From the Street: What do you think about the potential firing of Roarin’ Rob Lyons?

“I’m not sure why anyone would choose to fire Mr. Lyons. After all, the City Council stonewalls everything he and the city staff does anyway, which is just as effective and they all still get salaries out of it.”
Tommy Grabb, Former Elected Official

“That reminds me to go online and delete those depressing song lyrics I posted five years ago today.”
Chuck Bullery, Freelance Something-or-Other

“This is nonsense. Firing Lyons would mean the council worked together and actually made a decision; that hasn’t been done in months.”
Blocke Durfree, Local Attorney


Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Man Running Late Takes Most Thorough Shower of His Life

Noting the paradoxical nature of his actions, Murfreesboro resident Shelby Critchelow, 27, reported Friday that he’d taken the most thorough shower of his life despite already running thirty minutes late to a first date at Bar Louie.

“My showers naturally follow the Rule of Four, so I don’t know what came over me,” Said Critchelow, referring the commonly understood mathematical principle that no matter how long it takes a man to shower, the actual amount of linear time ends up being about four minutes.

On this particular trip into the shower, Critchelow found himself methodically going over every surface of his body in an obsessively detailed manner. “I used soap on parts of my back and legs that haven’t been scrubbed in well over a decade,” he added. “Out of nowhere, a washcloth even showed up, so I tried it out.”

This point is notable, as it shows the bachelor going against years of his own practice of never actually using a washcloth when provided with one; instead opting to run it under the sink after lathering it up with a bar of soap in an effort to make people think he was a normal human being and not a deranged savage who prefers using a raw bar of soap to more hygienic bathing practices.

Speculating as to the reasons behind the aberration, Critchelow could not point to a single factor, although theories include the possible use of a new bar of soap, a long overdue changing of his razor cartridge, and the fact that “#selfie” by the Chainsmokers had just started as he stepped into his shower.

At press time, Critchelow had gotten to Bar Louie an hour late, which didn’t seem to bother his date, who’d also been tardy due to the fact that she spent forty-seven minutes sitting on her bed in a bath robe staring at a blank wall before deciding to get ready.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Report: Woman Turns Blinker On While Waiting to Buy Gas, Means Business

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to several witnesses, a Rutherford County woman waiting to fill up her gas tank at Dodge’s Store has now turned her blinker on to make sure everyone at the service station know she means business.

“I wasn’t really sure if she was here to cash a check or buy Fried Chicken and Jojos,” said Hugo Chavez, 25, who arrived only five minutes earlier. “But as soon as I saw that she’d turned on her blinker and put her car into park less than two feet from my rear bumper, I put two and two together.”

Chavez was one of a number of Dodge’s patrons awestruck by the cold, no-nonsense approach to purchasing fuel.

“I don’t get any of this,” said Heather Jarvis, 31. “Look at Angela Merkel over there buying gas at 9:30 on a Monday night and acting like we’re in the middle of a Carter-Era energy crisis.”

The most disturbing report of the incident, however, comes from the mysterious ice queen’s actions right after Chavez left the Dodge’s parking lot.

“After the guy in front of her drove off, she started the pump and then went and sat quietly in her car with the blinker still on,” said Nellie Stanwyck, 21. “That surprised me because it didn’t seem to bother her. It was crazy. She wasn’t even scrolling through her phone. She just sat there, like a psychopath.”

Stanwyck later saw where the mysterious gas lady’s phone was located.

“It was in her trunk if you can believe it,” said a visibly disturbed Stanwyck. “I know my head would have f***ing exploded from the noise. ”

At press time, the woman had finished her task and pulled out onto Broad Street, her blinker still on, apparently headed to austerity vote about which reasonably-priced entree she was going to choose at Demos’ that night.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Report: He Went to Jared (and a Strip Club)

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to Murfreesboro resident Victoria Sharpe, a recent bachelor party trip by her boyfriend to Nashville’s Déjà Vu Gentlemen’s Club has yielded a mysterious gift from the jewelry store Jared, which is totally not an attempted apology.

“I’m not really sure what to make of it,” Sharpe said in response to receiving a box containing a Colors-In-Rhythm necklace from her partner Dave Haggard shortly after he had visited a building full of nude and semi-nude women , “But I feel like something horrible happened.”

Reached by phone from Murfreesboro Tribune Headquarters, located in the atomic bomb shelter below the former First Methodist Church building just off of the Murfreesboro Square, Haggard proffered that the gift was for the couple’s anniversary, which Sharpe had forgotten.

“She’s just mad because she didn’t remember our two-year anniversary,” said Haggard, glossing over the fact that he had been paying women to take their clothes off shortly before buying the gift. “Besides, the [wedding] crew was only at Déjà Vu for an hour because the entire place smelled like a combination of Avon Rebel Rose perfume and utter despair. I just took the hundred bucks that I had leftover and bought her a nice gift with our birthstones in it.”

“Then he should have done a better job of remembering our birthstones for the necklace,” Victoria shot back (because it’s just a like a woman to remember these things, right?) “I’ve told him a thousand times that my birthstone is peridot, not spinel; he should have chosen opal instead of tourmaline.”

Upon hearing Sharpe’s response, Haggard rolled his eyes and noted, “I’ll bet O. Henry is rolling over in his grave right now—I gave her a nice gift and she’s giving me shit.”

We’re Back: Poe Returns from Lavish Vacation with Your Exes

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe, writing about himself in the third person, confirmed Thursday that The Tribune, the only Rutherford County news publication you actually enjoy reading, is back from a long overdue and insufficiently restful vacation with not one—but two—of your former girlfriends.

“Facebook decided to put us on forced leave without adhering to the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993,” noted Poe. “Sam and I decided to enjoy our break by taking your former girlfriends on a whirlwind trip to Bali, Iceland, Prague, and Denver.”

For the past three months, The Tribune has been bogged down in a media battle as part of Mark Zuckerberg’s attempt to disentangle his social network from the fake news debacle that allowed Donald Trump to become elected president and Vladimir Putin to become de facto POTUS.

During the battle, Poe and Clemens decided to take your girlfriends for the ride of their lives, through several romantic and tropical destinations.

“They were amazing,” said Poe. “And I’m not talking about the cities we visited.”

When pressed for details, Clemens was notably more tight-lipped than Poe, which is more than we can say about your exes, who both cited a long dissatisfaction with your performance at work and in the bedroom as their reasons for quitting their jobs to romp around the globe.

The Tribune has confirmed that both of your exes currently recovering from sexual exhaustion at Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital. Make sure to plan your visit on a Tuesday or Thursday if you decide to go, because if we run into each other it would be awkward for everyone.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Trump’s America: Hardware Store to Hold “Whites Only” Sale

MURFREESBORO, TN – A Murfreesboro True Value hardware store is the subject of both flared tempers and uneasy national pride following its owner’s decision to host a “Whites Only” Holiday Paint Sale.

Holiday shoppers in search of deals in various Murfreesboro news outlets were shocked at the appearance of the ad, which stated:

“Come and Support True Value This Holiday Season! Whites Only—No Blacks, Browns, or Yellows!”

Dave Arian, who owns Arian Family Hardware, insists that the sale has nothing to do with race, but the community knows better.

“My simple misunderstanding over back stock is not a damn appeal to white supremacy,” Arian lied through his teeth. “In April, I ordered seventy different shades of white pantone and it didn’t sell, so I took out some ads this week.”

Arian Family Hardware has seen a 250% increase in its foot traffic since the sale was announced, as well as a 500% increase in protests.

Less than forty-eight hours after the sale was announced, every drop of paint, along with hammer, nail, wrench, and nut, was sold. However, the store was quickly filled with volunteers from the Southern Poverty Law Center and the American Civil Liberties Union.

Associates from the SPLC and ACLU, who have had makeshift field offices in Murfreesboro since 2009, when arsonists set fire to a local Islamic Center, have pointed out that that the ad was incredibly effective due to one simple omission: the word “paint.”

“Why did this man leave the word ‘Paint’ out of the ad if he wasn’t trying to appeal to racial hatred?” asked SPLC Field Director John White-Guilt. “We think it is pretty clear that this is a racist business that must be stopped.”

“Excuse me for not being some Mr. Billy Wigglestick Shakespeare,” said Arian, asked for comment on the omission. “Or that damn Edgar Allan Poe.”

At press time, local activists on one side of Broad Street were setting up a “True Values Matter” picket line in support of the store as an opposition group distributed placards with the message “Whitewashing hurts our feelings” stamped in red ink.

This story is developing.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

CVS Lot Sells for $4M, or 578,428 Bottles of Sudafed to Make Meth

MURFREESBORO, TN – According to local property tax records, the lot containing the CVS Pharmacy on Southeast Broad Street has been purchased for $4 million dollars.

When asked, most regulars at CVS were surprised to learn of the sale price, commenting about how much cough medicine they could buy at that price. Apparently, most folks shopping at CVS suffer from severe sinus congestion.

To find out what the community thinks of the recent sale, Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe took to the street to find out what you think.

From the Street: What do you think about the CVS Lot selling for $4 Million?

from-the-street-20
“I finally drank enough $2 High Life tallboys at the Wagon Wheel for Shirley and the boys to expand?”
Axel “Gearhead” Grimes, Local Hell’s Angel

 

from-the-street-23
“$4 million? That’s cute. Call me on when they sell to Fred’s for $66 Million. I’ll be on my private island.”

Dick Sain, Former Pharmacist and Milkshake Salesman

from-the-street-21“That’s a good price. A lot over in the Clinton-voting section of town would never sell for that much.”
Fluffy Hiddleston-Wasp, Mirabella HOA President

from-the-street-22“Do pharmacies have those going-out-of-business sales like other stores? I need to get my hands on 1,000 Sudafed tabs for my shake-and-bake, uh, allergies.”
Tweaker Adams, Local Chef and Amateur Pharmacist

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

Shocking: Woman on Dating App Allergic to Asking Questions

MURFREESBORO, TN – Murfreesboro resident Dave Shelton engaged in a recent conversation on the dating app Hinge that alerted the 33 year-old to a host of puzzling medical conditions that he had no idea existed, most notably his match’s apparent allergy towards asking any form of question whatsoever.

Hinge is a dating app designed by Facebook that matches potential couples based off of mutual friends, who serve as the “Hinge” that anonymously allows the desperate, perennially-single suitors to cram an attempt at finding perfect marital bliss into anywhere from a one to thirty-six hour time frame.

“I started a conversation with Salome, this beautiful woman in Nashville, and I thought we’d hit it off,” said Shelton. “She’s a blogger, I’m an unemployed freelance writer, and we’re both holding beers in our main profile picture. I got really excited.”

Dave and Salome messaged back and forth a few times, but things didn’t seem to click between the two, which obviously makes no sense because Dave is a mildly handsome normcore myopic without gainful employment living in Murfreesboro.

“We matched, I sent her a message, she waited 24 hours to respond, I waited 48 hours to respond, she hit me back up, I caught her 5 seconds later, and it was on,” said Shelton.

Or so he thought.

Shelton consistently asked Salome a series of engaging questions curated from a list he found on Google, each of which she responded to in a strange manner he had never before encountered–asking her questions resulted in 1/2 to 1/4 of an actual answer.

“As an opener, I asked her what had been the best part of her week,” said Shelton. “She replied ‘Tacos lol’. On top of that, she could not end one sentence without a ‘haha or lol’ in place of any form of proper punctuation. She even mentioned that her grandmother had ‘Died recently lolz.'”

Things came to a head when Dave asked her how she liked living in Nashville, to which she replied by asking him how he liked living in Nashville, the only question Salome asked him the entire time.

“Now that I think about it, I think she was allergic to asking questions,” Shelton observed. “It couldn’t have been that she finally realized that I live in Murfreesboro, could it? It’s right there on my profile. I know EpiPens are expensive, but shit.”

At press time, a quick perusal of Salome’s profile on the Hinge app yielded one last paradox: a picture of an arm tattoo spelling out “Wanderlust” above a strict disclaimer for men on the app not to contact her under any circumstances if they do not live in Nashville city limits.

Murfreesboro Tribune Beat Reporter Eddie Poe can be reached with comments, complaints, and sexual propositions at eddiepoetribune@gmail.com.

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